Undomestic Diva

Cleaning 101

Apparently, I have a lot to learn about cleaning...

...Because here I was, totally worried that I needed to get my toilet a flu shot again this year...

7 Random Facts About Me

Disclaimer: Kelly in Colorado is making me do this. (See, I read my comments and feel like I know you all. Don't get scared.) So if you don't like it or don't give a flying F about me or my random facts, then... tell her. But if you think it's a great idea and funny and good-to-know, well then, it was all my idea.

1. I am not religious. [duh] But I am superstitious and believe in Karma.

2. I cannot be anywhere near frosted glass or terra cotta anything. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. SSSCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHH. My teeth hurt just thinking about it. [shiver]

3. The best Christmas gift I ever received as a child was a kitchen set, ironically.

4. I used to raise pigs for market but do not eat pork.

5. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, although neither of us are sweet or have a heart. We met when I was 15 and have been together since. [gag] We did not kiss until we had dated for 6 months. Not even a peck.

6. I absolutely hate wearing a bra. I'm not wearing one now. [jiggle-jiggle, wiggle-wiggle, sag]

7. I can't cook worth a damn, I'm the worst housekeeper ever and I seem to have no short-term memory. But I'm Room Mom at E's preschool.

UKC: Gourmet Breakfast for 4

In my now infamous FAQ post, it was suggested that I start an "Undomestic Kitchen Corner" that would feature what few recipes I have, along with no guarantees whatsoever that they actually equate to something tasty.

So..... get ready folks, here is the 1st installment for UKC. (Undomestic Kitchen Corner - geez you people are sllllooowwww.)

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GOURMET BREAKFAST FOR 4

Prep Time: None

Ingredients: Kellogg's Poptarts in your favorite flavor (I use Brown Sugar Cinnamon)

Directions:

1. Force your oldest child to run outside in the foggy biting cold, barefoot, to retrieve the newspaper for you before getting up to his seat at the kitchen table.

2. Calmly and slowly get your coffee going while yelling at the kids "Just a second.... I'll get your gourmet breakfast in JUST A SECCCCOND."

3. Look in your cupboards for the Poptart box. Scratch your head in bewilderment, while wondering where in the hell you put that box of Poptarts you just bought yesterday.

4. Try looking in your pantry as your youngest wails at the top of his lungs like there have been times when you've forgotten to feed him and this just might be another.

5. After finally finding the Poptart box in the Target bag you brought it home in, still on the kitchen floor, open as instructed on the box. (To open, slip thumb under tab, lift gently.)

6. When attempting to open the box as instructed and things don't goes as easily as they should, simply rip the top off the box and shove your hand in to retrieve two packages containing two Poptarts each.

7. Walk with Poptarts in hand to the table where your kids are, get within six inches, and walk back to the counter, realizing you forgot napkins.

8. Plug your ears and close your eyes as their angry screams and demands bring on the beginnings of a migraine.

9. Open packages of Poptarts, giving one to each kid, leaving one for you if your husband doesn't snag it off the counter first.

10. Listen. Carefully. Silence. Quickly pour a cup of coffee, grab your newspaper and find a hiding spot so that when your kids are finished in 1 minute, 42 seconds from now, you've at least had a chance to sip 1/3 of your scalding hot coffee and have read the front page headlines.

11. Make back-up plans to stop at Starbucks on your way back from school drop-offs.

This has been the first installment of UKC - Undomestic Kitchen Corner. All recipes are one-of-a-kind and good results cannot be guaranteed. Food poisoning and botulism are quite possible, if not certain. Oh, and perhaps it's best if you do not try this at home.

 

Peace, joy and AGGRAVATION

Christmas cards. I mean, WTF?

Sending cards each year should be simple, easy, friendly and good-willed. Unless, of course, you do like I did and buy those cards with the little window that tells you how you can easily insert your photo here.

While my husband stole my computer to do some computer geek computing, my ADHD/OCD/ABCDEFG self ran circles in our office trying to figure out what I could get done that didn't require a computer. Check my email? Hmm... no. Write my blog post? Nuh-uh. Shop online for Christmas gifts? Nope. Wait. Christmas. So I found my newly purchased Christmas cards and my stack of waaaay too many family photos and sat down to "insert standard 4x6 photo here."

Uh, easy? Then I must be retarded. I calmly attempted to insert what I, a photographer, thought to be a standard 4x6 photo into the card window only to have to gently fumble it a bit, rock it back and forth and plaster my fingerprints all over my husband's face to get in place just right. OK, so maybe I just needed to get the hang of it... surely it couldn't be this hard to stick an effing photo into the hole.

Speaking of holes, whoever the hell designed this card and it's dainty little window of frustration, should be squeezed into a window too small for his/her ass, rocked back and forth and have fingerprints smudged all over their face until they're in place just right.

By card number 3, I'm about ready to tear the card open, just for the feel-goodness of it. My calm inching-the-photo-in attempts are now becoming forceful, angry jamming motions and my family photo is looking a bit wrinkled and creased, like it had been assaulted. Which it had. Meanwhile, the card is taunting me with it's "insert standard 4x6 photo here" instructions written four times, in four directions, IN CASE I COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT THE FIRST TIME.

Which I couldn't. I mean, what do they mean STANDARD 4x6? It's a 4x6 print. Swear. To. God. So why doesn't it fit damnit?? Does it mean standard in Europe? In China? Zimbabwe? Are there different 4x6s? Is it a cruel joke? I'm beginning to hate myself for not just going with the design-online holiday cards from Shutterfly which would have been soooooo much easier. Nope. I had to try and be different. I had to go old school on everyone and do the manual, sign-each-one method. Which has proved only one thing: that I am a complete DUMBASS sometimes.

Now I'm about to the point of just folding each photo in half and sticking it half-assedly into the window, tossing all rules and instructions out the door. Being a RULE BREAKER and my own Wind Keeper. (Not sure about that last one myself. Just a Friends reference I felt like throwing in there.) Or maybe I should just roll the photo into a ball of bah-humbugedness... Of course, it would definitely fall out of the window then and probably make mailing it difficult and costly.

So I keep jamming my precious family photo into the three-sizes-too-small window of aggravation, trying to resist all the creative temptations that keep creeping into my thousand-mile-per-minute brain, which is now seriously considering tearing the photo into two pieces and pretending it's a new trend... Christmas cards with photo puzzles. (You heard it hear first folks.)

In the end, I only end up tearing two of the cards and one of the photos. (Just to see how it felt. It felt like $0.19 plus shipping.) But I got the blasted photo in the card window! And now I'm so exhausted from the struggle, the battle, the WAR, that I think it's best that I just step away from the pile of cards wishing all my family and friends peace and joy and happiness, saving the signing part for another night.

A mouse in the house

We got a new mouse. You know, the computer kind of mouse. Woo-hoo. Not "Yeah! Woo-hoo!! Alright baby!!!" No, just woo-frickin-hoo. But when you're my husband, a software architect, a computer geek, a nerd of sorts and a complete CANDY ASS, well, then - a new mouse is EXCITING. Pee your pants exciting. Let's go streaking exciting. Can I try it? Can I try it? Is it my turn yet? exciting. And I have to act all excited 'cause otherwise he just looks kinda pathetic grinning and drooling as he pulls it out of the bag, unwrapping it carefully and strategically, while going to great depths to explain to me how "it was such a great deal" and it can do this and it can do that. And I'm like, does it come in a size 7? Does it sparkle or shimmer? Does it smell good? How many mega-pixels does it have? Is it a grande or a venti? And he, clearly disappointed with my sarcastic reaction, says to me "It's ergonomic, you know."

OH, I GET IT!!! Then by all means, WOO-HOO, BABY!!! AWESOME!!! I mean, what had I been thinking?

No really, what was I thinking...?

(Don't tell him I said so, but damn, it is kinda nice...)

Poinsettias!

FINALLY, the poinsettia photos...

My mom works at a local nursery/grower that literally grows and ships millions of poinsettias during the holidays. Her company asked me to come take photographs they could frame and use for promotional items. I thought, yeah, sure, whatever. No big deal. Buncha flowers. But when I stepped into the very first greenhouse, the color took my breath away...

And let me just say this, not a single one of these photos has been Photoshop'd or saturated with color or anything of that sort. Straight out of my camera, as shot, in all its own glory. And I mean GLORY, people.

Let's have a peek!

Rows and rows and rows of red.

And more, rows and rows and rows of red.

A heartfelt good-bye amongst ready-to-be-shipped poinsettias and the others who have not yet been picked.

This...

becomes this. Gorgeous.

But let's not forget about all the other varieties and colors...

The pink...

...the pink and white...

...the white (Yeah, I know... more yellowish, green. But they call it white. So I'm callin' it white.)

And my all-time favorite, the speckled. I'm not sure if I love this variety so much because of its unique look, or because it reminds me of what happens when you let me do laundry and use bleach. (BTW, I no longer own a single drop of bleach.) Either way, I love it! Wanna marry it. Would marry it. If I could. If it wouldn't wilt up and die on me like every other plant I've even glanced at...

I just couldn't leave out a few photos of the mums. The color was electric.

Pick me! Pick me!

Almost want to lick it...

And my very favorite variety of flower, the gerbera daisy. Ahhh.

Beautiful.

Alright, that's enough oooohing and aaawwwwwing for me. Can you even believe I oooh and aawww? Me neither. (Let's not tell anyone about this. K?)

NEWS FLASH! Update

If you read my post last night about my copycat friend who, word-for-word, copied my FAQ post and put it on her blog, you may have seen the (ahem) little comment I put on her site. But if you're just now going over to check it out, don't bother, it's been revised. And my (ahem) little comment has been "removed by administrator."

Now let's move on, shall we?

Poinsettia photos in a bit...

Answers to your BURNING questions

Thought I'd (finally) answer some of the questions you asked... They were hilarious and wrong and totally inappropriate and yet soooo appropriate. Thanks!!

Do you use Photoshop? A: Yes, I use CS3 for my photography business, but I do not photoshop every photo. While I believe Photoshop is an amazing tool, I hate that it seems like almost EVERY PHOTO you see has been obviously photoshop'd. The poinsettia photos, BTW, have NOT been Photoshop'd - not even saturated with color. The color was amazing by itself!

What's your favorite Photoshop trick? A: My current favorite is to do a black-and-white conversion layer and then add back in just a tiny bit of color by lowering the opacity. (Snore.) So the photo becomes a black-and-white with subtle skin tones.

If you won the lotto, what would you buy me? A: Truthfully, nothing. But if we're playing what-if's here, then for sure a Lamborghini. If I really had cash to blow (sorry), I'd be holding contests like The Pioneer Woman with fancy, cool prizes like $500 to Starbucks or something totally necessary like that.

Did you have your first born when you were 11? A: No, come on! I had to be at least 12 and a half. At least. That would make me... 17 now. I could live with being 17 all over again... Ok, maybe not.

What is your skin regime?  A: I don't spend a lot of money on me but I do buy expensive skin care products. Not because I like to spend the money, but because I-swear-to-god it's the only stuff that has worked for me. I use Sonya Dakar skin products. My recommendations? I use the Acne Fighter every night before bed, along with some Drying Potion if I've got some zit rearing its ugly head. (Ha. Ha. Ha.) They also have a FANTASTIC sunscreen called 365 that I wear everyday under my make-up. I also plaster my kids with it. It has lavender and doesn't smell all coconutty and it doesn't make you break out. People swear by their anti-aging stuff too, but it's a bit pricey.

What do you want for Christmas? A: A Canon Mark III which is waaaaay more money than I can even fathom spending on a camera... but a girl can dream, right? Otherwise, I'd like a book on CSS so I can make this here website look a bit more cool.

Tell us about the sweetest thing one of your little guys has done. You know, that totally melted all sarcasm and wit away and left you with nothing but pure joy. A: First off, this is no easy task. I can maintain sarcasm through tears and grief. I can't help it. But my boys have all melted my heart at one point or another. L-dub is the lovey-dovey one and just recently, debilitated from a nasty migraine, I laid on the couch, eyes clamped shut, shivering, waiting for my husband to come home. L-dub was right there, covering me with blankets and rubbing my back. He could teach my husband a thing or two.

Have you thought of doing an "undomestic kitchen corner?" A: Um, you mean a show that spotlights my local firemen hard at work? (Hmm... I kinda like the sound of that!!) I can't cook much, but I do have a few specialties. I can make a mean red hot salsa, a bitter green tomatillo salsa and a salsa verde soup that can triple as soup, dip or burrito guts. Basically, if you want to know spicy, I can help you out. Tums, anyone? Perhaps one of these days I'll do a post with a salsa recipe. I just don't want to step on anyone's turf. (Ahem! The Pioneer Woman Cooks, anyone?)

NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!

I interrupt my regularly scheduled post to bring you this breaking news, another blogger in the blogosphere has PLAGIARIZED my "FAQ" post I put up first thing this morning. I mean, word-for-word, this person totally copied me. WTF???

If you would like to give her some traffic on her site, feel free to look her up at Blog Me Til Midnight COPYCAT and ask her the questions you've been dying to ask her, like "Are all your posts copied from other websites?"

FAQ

I'm going to borrow a fabulous idea from Dad Gone Mad and give you an opportunity to ask questions of me and/or about me that I will answer later in the day... After the "wholesome" ordeal, I feel like perhaps you just don't know me as well as you should. And don't get your panties in a bunch if I don't divulge personal information like my address or my kids full names, 'cause I'm already telling you it ain't gonna happen. But if you are wondering what brand of toilet paper I use (Quilted Northern) or what my favorite shoe designer is (Jimmy Choo) and how many pairs I own (none), then ask away in the comments section of this here post. I'll pick a few to answer and leave the rest of you feeling pissed off and cheated. But hey, that's just the kinda gal I am.   

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Check back for my answers later on... And coming tomorrow, AMAZING photos of more poinsettias than you've probably ever seen in your entire life, collectively. Here's just a peek: