There is a new "C" word in our household, and, given the circumstances, I dislike it even more than the original "C" word which in itself never sat well with me to being with.
The new "C" word can only be mentioned once in this post, or ever, because of it's profanity and meaning. I try my best to keep my posts as "SFW" (Safe For Work) as possible, but... here it goes: CABINET, or CABINETS in its plural form.
To the ordinary Joe, this may seem like a harmless word. But when you live with Candy Ass, this word is forbidden.
You see, we've had a bit of bad luck lately. Our water heater broke in the beginning of December and not only did we have to replace it, we had to replace a few fixtures and shower heads as well. FUN! Not a week later, our oven broke. And I mean, BROKE. YEAH! I thought our bad luck was over when I saw an ad in the mail for THREE STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES FOR $897. ACT FAST! So we acted fast, going that night to get our great deal. We needed a better microwave and the water heater issues had left the dishwasher performing poorly (i.e., it could not clean milk out of a cup).
One hour later, we left almost $4,000 poorer, realizing once we got in there that the THREE STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES FOR $897 ACT FAST! were worth about $8.97 put together. Somehow, we rationed that we'd live in this house FOREVER and we should just put the money into it anyway. This didn't just include appliances, but apparently, all new kitchen "C" words to accommodate our new appliances.
Fine. Whatever. Maybe this new kitchen could inspire me to... I don't know... cook or something. Not realistic, I know. Even when the sales lady at the appliance store tried to sell me on convection versus... convention?? I had to stop her and say, "Um, uh-huh, yeah, well I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO COOK SO YOU'RE KINDA WASTING YOUR TIME ON ME, LAAA-DY." But I said it nicer. Sort of.
Our appliances wouldn't be arriving for 4 weeks, which was fine because it was going to take that long to order and receive the "C" words. But first we had to buy the "C" words. And before that, we needed to measure and plan and pick out each "C" word. So we measured. And we re-measured. And then we drew layouts and grids and more layouts and grids. I sat with a pencil and eraser and grid paper for AN ENTIRE SATURDAY, on my death bed with the nasty sinus virus going around, planning our new kitchen. I'd finish the layout and Candy Ass would look it over saying something like, "Looks good, but what if we..." Or, "What do you think if we..."
After the ER doctor removed the pencil from his right eye, we went home and re-worked the kitchen layout until I finally said, "Hey, here's an idea! Why don't you plan the whole goddamn thing and I'll just sit here and smile."
At Home Depot, planning our much thought out kitchen, it struck me as ironic that the lovely girl helping us had a better method for measuring, better ideas for "C" word placement and had to re-do our crappy little drawings anyway. A good hour and a half later, she showed us our new kitchen in 3-D and I almost got excited about it (almost) and then she gave us the total price. "Wow! $1,450? That's really cheap!" I replied enthusiastically. "I thought it was going to be waaaay more." The girl looks at me, unsure as to what she do and then quietly says, "Um, no-no. Add one more 0 to that. $14,500."
After the Paramedics revived me, my husband took over the talking. "Could you save this for us, giving us time to think about it?" The girl obliged but... I mean, come on! as soon as we were out of ear shot, you know she was getting a good belly laugh out of how floored we were on the pricing and "Oh man, did you see how the wife choked on a Starbucks ice cube when I told her to add a zero?? HA!!"
In my opinion, we were on our way home to figure out how to pay for our new, simple, but expensive kitchen. In Candy Ass' mind, we were figuring out a different way to come about the "C" words. And then he said it. What I was dreading to hear and already knew was coming.
"What if I just made them?"
Now let me just tell you that my husband is actually quite capable of making these cabinets. He's made us furniture before that has turned out amazingly. But here's the deal. Sometimes, I don't want to always do-it-ourselves, just sometimes, I'd like it to be done soon and by someone else. Because frankly, WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS PEOPLE!
I could go on and on about how we've argued over the plan of action for our kitchen, how I'd like to just make a decision - either way at this point - just so I can have a functioning kitchen again. (Well, I said it. I actually want a kitchen that works... Automatically.) But I'll just skip right to our current state of affairs and tell you that our appliances should be here this Friday and WE HAVE NO "C" WORDS, NO PLAN FOR "C" WORDS and NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT "C" WORDS and really, neither of us would like to ever, ever mention the "C" word again.
Although, I have seen a few books arrive from Amazon.com on how to make the "C" word and, just today, some peculiar looking tool arrived, I assume, to assist in making the "C" words.
The way I see it, if Candy Ass wants to make the "C" words himself, FINE. DO IT - in all his spare time (which equals NONE). SEE IF I CARE. But seeing how Home Depot only required 3-4 weeks for "C" words, I told my husband that when 3-4 weeks time passes and his "C" words aren't ready yet, don't think I won't be inquiring DAILY about my order.
Then I called him the "C" word. (Our "C" word... The better of the two "C" words... NEVERMIND!)