Undomestic Diva

Lockdown

When my 5 year old son came home for HCLJPLP today and I asked him what happened at school, he shrugged nonchalantly and replied, "Ate snack. Had a drill. Did mail."

In an attempt to engage in conversation with him, while he was trying to see through me to get a glimpse of the TV, I pressed him for more details. "So, you had a fire drill, huh? That's good..."

Not even looking at me, still hard pressed to see what cartoon might be on, he replied distractedly, "No. It wasn't a fire drill."

I kinda gave up. He didn't want to talk to me and I had to get lunch going anyway. I let him watch his show while I got lunch together, but when it was time to eat and we were together at the table, I tried again.

"So... fire drill? Is that why you didn't have singing time today?"

"No mom, it wasn't a fire drill, I told you," he retorts like I had been the one who wasn't listening. Then he continued, mouth full - of course - saying, "They locked the door to the classrooms and covered the window in case a madman who shouldn't be there was trying to get in and get us. They said police would be all around the building and would tell us on the radio when it was safe to open our doors. Then my teacher would go check. THAT'S the drill we had. Not a fire drill!"

WTF.

I had to ask, "What's a madman?" thinking hoping perhaps he mistook "friendly clown" for "madman." Instead, he quickly explains, "You know, a  m-a-d-m-a-n. A really bad guy. Somebody who steals cable."

Oh no he didn't. Steals cable? WHAT?

My mouth just sorta fell open and stayed open as I had no idea what to say. The stealing cable thing? Funny. The fact that the pre-school just freaked out my 5 year old? Frustrating.

Then I got pissed. At no point did the PRE-SCHOOL, mind you, inform me that they would be practicing for such a drill. And um, while I'm certainly glad there is a plan in place, I can't believe the school was leaving it to 5 year olds to inform their parents of such an event. I mean, it's a lot to process for someone who can't tie his shoes. Perhaps even a bit scary for most of the kids. And all I can imagine are all these young, impressionable kids with vivid imaginations and slightly slurred speech running home to explain to mom and dad some skewed version of what happened at school today.

So you know what I did? I was THAT parent. Oh yeah, don't mess with me, I called the director, pronto.

ME: "Director Lady, hi, um, did you happen to send home a notice about the drill you guys had today? 'Cause I didn't get one."

DIRECTOR: "No. We're not doing the drill until tomorrow."

ME: "So there was no drill today?"

DIRECTOR: "No. But there will be one tomorrow."

ME: "That's weird, because (E-man) came home and told me about the drill you had, about locking the doors and covering the window and the madman and the police..."

DIRECTOR: "Oh, well... We had a mock drill today, I guess you could say. So that kids would understand what was happening tomorrow. In case there is ever an intruder. Not a madman."

[I'm confused. A "mock drill?" Isn't that a little redundant? And does a 5 year old understand what an "intruder" is? And how did he then come up with "madman?" Insert silent middle finger angled toward telephone here.]

ME: "Did you send anything home about it?"

DIRECTOR: "To be honest, I didn't think about it. I guess I could send something home tomorrow after we do the drill."

ME: "I'm sorry, but this concerns me. I mean, I am all for you guys having a plan in place, but when you leave it to a 5 year old to explain the drill to their parents, you're asking for a lot of unhappy moms and dads. This is quite a bit to process for someone so young and I think that the parents deserve to know about such an event BEFORE it happens."

DIRECTOR: "Yeah, you're probably right. I'll get something ready to send home tomorrow after we do the drill. By the way, don't be late tomorrow because anyone who shows up late will not be allowed in the school as all the doors will be locked."

BY THE WAY, laaaady, MY SON WILL NOT BE RETURNING NEXT YEAR. Put that in your bible and smoke it.

OK, here's the deal. I realize this is a "sign of the times" and unfortunately, having a "lockdown" plan is not just inevitable, but smart. I get that. What I don't get is how the parents are somehow not a part of this plan. God forbid my son is at school and there is some need for a lockdown, then I want to know HOW THE EFF DO I GET MY KID? What communication plan is in place?

More importantly, I want to know how the hell I'm supposed to explain this scenario to a very anxious little boy who is (easily) prone to nightmares.

And to be honest, I'm quite pissed (if you couldn't tell) by the director's nonchalant attitude with me. Does she have kids? No. So... Perhaps this is why she doesn't understand a parent's need-to-know. But this, THIS, A PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW.

So what do I do? Do I keep him home from school to avoid the trauma that, while being "pretend," is still very scary in his mind? Or do I send him, because what if? what if? I would want him to know what to do, right?

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Whoever let me have kids, did not disclose that shit like this is part of being a parent. And frankly, "I DON'T WANNA" is all that comes to mind when having to face decisions like these. I'm not qualified to handle this kind of crap. I tend to over-think it all (who me? no!) and not because I want to worry about it, but because I just want to do the right thing for my kid. And goddamnit, WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR MY KID?

At the same time, I'm also feeling like... SHIT. This is what life has come to? Lockdown plans for gunmen on a pre-school campus? EFFING FANTASTIC. It almost makes me feel somewhat irresponsible for bringing kids into a world that's... just so goddamn cruel, ya know?

I mean, why can't we go back to a time when stealing cable was the worst thing a person could do?

The Un-Book Club has a name

It's official - The Undomestic Diva's Not-A-Book-Club Book Club has its name (via your votes):

[Imagine drum roll]

Undomestic Readers

[Imagine a loud TA-DAA!!! and Price is Right hand movements showcasing the new name]

So I will get crack-a-lackin' on getting that site up and running. While I do that, please give me your most highly recommended books in the comments section of this post for consideration. That is, besides Janet Evanovich who I plan on including anyway. Remember that these books should be fun, easy, summer-y reads. Not something a gal would need the cliff notes for. The funnier, kookier, clever-er, hotter (oh yeah, I said HOTTER) and intense-er, the better. With the book's title and author, please also tell me in FOUR WORDS or less why you love this book. (Doesn't have to be a sentence, could just be key words. I'm easy.)

Congrats to She Who who came up with "Undomestic Readers." I will be mailing her a $20 gift card to (where else?) Starbucks.

They say coffee and chocolate are kissing cousins. If that's true, then I can't help but believe that coffee, chocolate and a good book must be the world's most perfect threesome. I'm just sayin'.

Can't wait to hear about your book ideas. 

PSA: In case of emergency

The more I thought about it, (and I thought about it - for three hours last night, precisely) I think it's my duty as your fellow citizen (and internet BFF, we've established) to teach you how to make a proper iced carmel macchiato in case of an emergency, as it was last night when Starbucks closed its doors for three whole hours for some training.

Whatever.

Next time, with this knowledge I am presenting to you, things will be better. Smoother. Calmer. And tastier.

Obviously, this requires an espresso machine which I realize is not a common household appliance. But if you're in the market for one, I highly suggest the Via Venezia from Starbucks which, from time-to-time, goes on sale.

(I also recommend becoming BFFs with your local Starbucks barista so that he/she can get you a great deal, via an employee discount, on one of these bad boys. It damn near makes it affordable.)

Aside from the espresso machine, you will need all of the above. Plus some fat free milk and ice. My local Starbucks kindly gave me an extra cup, lid and straw so I could make this authentic for you. Now if only I could buy them... You know I would. I'm not ashamed.

 

You can, however, buy any and all of the syrups they use. And they are surprisingly inexpensive. For a carmel macchiato, you'll need the Vanilla syrup. Be sure to ask about their sugar-free syrups as well.

Of course, Starbucks sells espresso beans for your espresso machine and the BOLD here is my favorite. (Like I would go anyway but BOLD.) Ask them to grind it for you (for free) at the store if you're too damn lazy to do it yourself. Lazy.

The first thing to go in your cup are the 3-5 pumps of Vanilla syrup. I say 3-5 because it totally depends on your taste. I like my iced carmel macchiatos stronger, so I put less vanilla and milk and more ice and espresso.

Next, add the milk. In a GRANDE cup, I add fat free milk to just-below the first green line. Again, if you do not like it as strong, then add more milk. But just a little.

Add your ice. I like a ton of ice because I actually cannot stand the taste of milk and so whatever milk I do consume (via an iced carmel macchiato, of course) must be extremely cold.

If you've got an espresso machine, you already know how to use it and since each one is different, I'm going to skip the step-by-step and get right to the good stuff... the heart of the matter, the shots themselves. My machine does two at a time and thank god, because we're making a GRANDE size which requires two shots.

 

Add your two shots on top of the ice.

[God, doesn't that almost seem sexually explicit in nature? It's... it's... spectacular.]

Lastly, you're going to add the carmel. Sometimes, around the holidays usually, Starbucks sells their carmel in small sizes. STOCK UP. Because the rest of the year, you're stuck using whatever you can find, even if it means Smuckers sundae toppings... I re-used this handy-dandy ketchup? mayo? dispenser from a Subway sandwich order we made a while back and it's just like the real thing. But different.

Put on your lid, add your straw and WA-LAA!!! A GRANDE iced carmel macchiato IN YOUR OWN HOME. Another trick that I soooo love: Freeze your iced carmel macchiato for about 30 - 45 minutes for a slushier, ice cold, refreshing drink. It's like a dessert. With caffeine.

This, I think I can safely say, has been a Public Service Announcement. Because apparently, Starbucks has to close at some point. (I know, I don't understand it either.) And I don't want us all to be stuck in that What Do I Do? What Do I Do? hell again. So write this down, print it out and have it tattooed on your forehead (backwards of course) so that you never, ever lose it.

Or, I guess, you could always refer back here to my blog. Whatever.

WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY

If you don't know, now you know and consider yourself warned.

7,100 Starbucks are CLOSING THEIR DOORS (yes, as in closed - YOU NO ORDER COFFEE, people) tonight for THREE HOURS.

What will we do?

This folks, is why you should always be prepared for a disaster, meaning storing three months worth of water, espresso and milk. I'm not sure if they make adapters that allow espresso machines to work on batteries, but it's worth checking into.

I just want you to know, that as your internet BFF, I've always thought you were swell. Amazing. Terrific, in fact. I mean, we probably shouldn't mince words since the gravity of this situation has the feeling of Armageddon, or some other similar devastating circumstance staged by Warner Bros or the like. We can only hope Will Smith will save us all. (I no longer look to Tom Cruise for that.)

Tonight, as you sit in the dark corners of your living room, headphones serenading you with some calming, zen-like music as you rock back and forth in a manic nature, know that you are not alone. I will be doing the same, albeit also letting out involuntary outbursts, crying, "Say it ain't so!"

If there are any survivors - and I know the idea seems just too optimistic - let's hope they know how to pull a shot and steam milk to the optimal 160 degrees. I think that's all one can ask for on a day like today.

Stay strong, people. Strong like a shot of espresso and calm like the froth on your cappuccino. Think only of happiness, like a swirl of carmel and keep specks of hope alive like the cinnamon sprinkled on top.

And, if you happen to see a green mermaid, SWIM TOWARD HER. She is the light at the end of our very dark tunnel.

Good luck.

And I thought my day was bad.

All I have to say is, damn!

If it ain't broken, then it ain't mine

In a nutshell, this was my weekend.

Son of a biatch. You could actually hear the air whistling out of the tire. I don't like tires. Because they pop. I don't like balloons because they pop. I don't like corn because it pops. I don't like when people call soda "pop." I don't like when Dr. Seuss tells you to "Hop on Pop."

Yes, I am prejudice against anything pop.

[Except maybe pop culture.]

Really, it's an effing phenomenon how quickly my kids can break something. I should pimp them out to toy companies as toy testers to see just how durable any one toy can be. If it's breakable, my boys will break it. If it's not breakable, my kids will still break it. Especially if it's not theirs.

[Insert pity for Big T here.]

And this my friends is my 'puter. And it's not on. And my 'puter is always on. EXCEPT WHEN IT WON'T TURN ON. Seems my friend here heard about the Writer's Strike in Hollywood and thought Hey, what a great idea! I think I'll go on strike until Angry Typing Lady buys me some more memory. I mean, how many times do I have to tell her "Low Disk Space" before she gets the clue?

What 'puter here doesn't realize is that if it doesn't get it's schizophrenic ass together, I'm going to get a new 'puter. A more reliable one that doesn't restart itself spontaneous in the middle of the night. I'm gonna make like a man in a mid-life crisis and opt for a newer, younger model. HA!

[But 'puter - Please work until then though, OK? In particular, please do not let the hard drive crap out until I've actually backed a few things up, OK? Please?]

So. How was your weekend?

30 Day Sex Challenge (God wants you to)

God wants you to have a great sex life.

That's what Relevant Church wants you to know. And not only do they want you to know this, but they are actually challenging married couples to have sex EVERY DAY for 30 days.

Is it redundant to mention that a man heads up this church?

According to RelevantChurch.com, married couples are not having enough sex. I'm not sure how they know this, but they seem pretty sure of it. And because they feel so strongly that a lack of sex is causing divorce rates to soar, they are issuing a challenge for married couples to "purposely engage in sexual activity for 30 days."

As opposed to accidentally engaging in sexual activity? Because sometimes it just happens without you knowing it?

I won't even get all logistical on Relevant Church's ass by mentioning the fact that 30 days isn't really feasible for most women. I think 23 - 25 days is the most they're gonna get from any wife. And let me tell you, that's a long shot in itself. It's hard to like your husband that many days in a row.

But if you're "up for the challenge" (ha. ha.) like the husband in the interview on CNN.com and you're in the Tampa, Florida area, then you can join them now through March 16 as they discuss pertinent topics like (and I could not make this sh*t up):

- - Business Time: Let the challenge begin

- - Your Way Right Away: Sometimes it's not all about you

- - Premature Consummation: Maybe there's another way

- - Taboos: Can you say that in church?

- - Building Stamina: From challenge to lifetime

They even have a blog dedicated to those who are interested (uh, hello men!) with a few different guides you can download. I had to check it out for myself, and let me tell you the "Married Guide" was more like a fill-in-the-blanks diary that would be far more embarrassing if found than your run-of-the-mill sex tape. On various days of the challenge the guide actually asks you to read certain parts of the bible and then... ya know. So is all this bible reading meant to be used as foreplay? I don't know...about...that....

Hmm. Brings a whole new meaning to yelling out "Oh god!" Or using god's name in vein vain.

(Come on, you knew I had to go there.)

Anyway, I digress. And blush.

After my whole encounter with Mrs.-Hallelujah-I'm-Horny in a Moo-Moo, I have to admit I'm struggling with the seriousness of this whole concept. I had to pull out my Christmas gift from AA, (Tamara in GA's husband) who, in a tongue-and-cheek way, bought me a book titled "Bible Answers for Every Need." I thought I'd give it a glance, looking under "Sex" or "Purposely engage in sex" to see what I could find.

[And yes, I kinda felt slimy looking it up - like when you're in grade school and you check the school library's dictionary for words like "penis" or "vagina" just to see what it will say. What? You never did that?? Me neither.]

Turns out, there are no such categories in the book. But right where "Sex" should fall is "Servanthood" and right after that is "Sin." Amazing. Because really, it could be either, and, or both. A coincidence? I think not.

Still, none of the bible verses under those areas really spoke to me on this matter either. I went back to RelevantChurch.com and read "In this series married couples will review the obvious needs of him and uncover the forgotten needs of her..." This is all fine and great and maybe even a decent theory, but I need someone other than a pastor or priest or bishop to re-define "missionary" for me. Isn't this more like Cosmo magazine's area of expertise? Please?

To me, it would be kind of like walking into Trashy Lingerie looking for something a little crazy and barely-there and getting a complimentary bible with my $50 purchase. IT AIN'T RIGHT. There are some things in life that you can mix and match, pair up or combine. But this, my friends, isn't one of them. At least not in my world.

For those of you who are eying this challenge as a good excuse to get some (and there has to be at least a couple of you), then I wish you all the best. And by "all the best" I mean, all 30 days of The Best.

And then I wish you bed rest, quick healing and a bounty of Tuck's Medicated Pads.

I might have trust issues.

In a recent phone call, my friend Tamara in GA brought to my attention that I might have some trust issues.

I have no idea where she came up with that one.

In my world, I find it perfectly normal to carry Candy Ass' three-and-a-half inch knife in my pocket when I am expecting strange men at my home from the cable or gas companies, or something similar. I feel like a girl's gotta protect herself and if some idiot thinks he's going to attack me at my house, dude's got another (three-and-a-half inch) thing coming to him.

In the past, I've mentioned this to Tamara in GA and she, I think, has thought I was being funny or theoretical. Today, when I was awaiting the delivery men with my kitchen appliances, I said to her, "I gotta get off the phone so I can find CA's knife before they get here."

Tamara in GA: "You're kidding, right?"

ME: "Um, no. I don't know these guys."

Tamara in GA: "Megan, you're scaring me a little bit."

ME: "THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA, Tami!"

For the record, let's be clear - I've never had to actually use the old Wayne Goddard stainless steel lifesaver. But don't get me wrong, I am most definitely prepared to.

And see, I don't think Tamara in GA is questioning my desire to protect myself. I think she's more worried that I might mistake the guy handing me a clipboard, reaching for his.....pen and BAM! I've already defended myself, having been certain that he was reaching for something much more lethal.

Hey, we all make mistakes. His was reaching too suddenly for a concealed... pen.

See, I don't like to view this as potential proof that I could possibly, maybe, theoretically have trust issues or be consumed with paranoia or just plain being whacked-out-of-my-friggin'-mind. I just believe in being... cautious.

And armed.

It's About YOU

You get these in emails and on Myspace and Facebook. Those lists of questions and answers from a friend that you're supposed to copy-and-paste with your answers and pass on. Normally, I ignore these lists of questions because I-don't-know-why? Perhaps I like to pretend that whatever I'm doing is waaaay more important or maybe it's because I should be doing more important things, but honestly, um hello! it's kinda fun and always interesting to read other people's answers.

So the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would be a swell idea to post the questions and my answers in this here post and let you copy-and-paste your answers in the comments section. It'd be a fun way to get to know you better (god knows you know waaaaay too much about me already) and for readers to get to know each other as well.

Yes, there are a lot of questions. No, I did not come up with any of them. And, honestly, I won't tell anyone you caved and finally indulged yourself in one of these lists. IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET. So let loose and try it. Get down with your bad self. BE CRAZY. Or, just answer the questions. Whatever, I'm easy.

[Copy and paste both the questions and answers below into the comments section, re-writing the answers to be yours.]

1. Where were you THREE hours ago? Starbucks - where else?

2. What do you think of your LAST kiss? With my husband or the pool boy?

3. Are you wearing SOCKS right now? Yep.

4. When was the last time you went out of STATE? September

5. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? No

7. What was the last thing you had to drink? A Carmel Macchiato

8. What are you wearing right now? I can tell you what I'm not wearing, a bra. Too conforming.

9. What was your last purchase? That Carmel Macchiato

11. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Tamara GeriaTRICK (that's her stage name)

12. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Not for me, damn it

13. Do you have a pet? A Saint Bernard Morty, three kids and a husband. They're all animals and Morty's the best behaved.

14. What did you do last night? Blogged, watched a PPV movie

16. If you could be anywhere you want where would it be? Hunched over a laptop in a dark corner of my local Starbucks, sans kids.

17. What is the last thing you purchased online? A Dogeared necklace for my BFF the GeriaTRICK.

18. One thing you hate about yourself? That there's a LOT I hate about myself.

19. What's your favorite soup? Tortilla Soup at Cheesecake Factory

20. Do you miss anyone? My sister RV.

21. Last movie you saw? Good Luck Chuck on PPV. Holy hell that's a lot of T&A!

22. What are your plans for the day? You're lookin' at it. Oh, and obedience school. For the dog, not me.

23. Did you have fun today? Um, no. I did not get to bathe in a carmel macchiato bath (with foam) to my heart's content.

24. Who is your last text message from? What did it say? My sister Jamie. I don't know because it takes me like 45 minutes to figure out all the abbreviations. I guess I'm kinda old. OLD SCHOOL THAT IS.

25. Were you an honor roll student in school? I was. If you don't count math and science. I owned journalism.

26. What do you know about the future? Oh crap.

27. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My E-man.

29. Do you have a tan? I make Casper look sun-kissed.

30. How old do you want to be when you have kids? You're a day late. I've got three. THREE.

31. Did you meet anyone new today? A nice Armenian grandmother at Starbucks who told me her 5 year old grandson still will not poop on the toilet. She said she felt like crying for him... or pushing on his stomach. Then I felt like crying for him.

32. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Not anymore.

33. How do you like your soda? On crushed ice with a neon flex straw.

34. Do you like hot sauces? Yes, Candy Ass is made of hot sauce. SPICY!

35. What are you doing tomorrow? Same sh*t, different day.

36. What day is tomorrow? Thurs.

37. What is your current mood? A little loopy and rude and sassy and all while being completely sober. Maybe that's my problem.

38. Why? Because that's how I roll.

39. Do you remember the first person you ever kissed? Jaime Reyes, where are you?

40. Do you have a crush on anyone right now? Why? Is my husband reading this? OK, fine. ROB AND BIG. At the same time. They are on my hump island. As one person.

41. If you could be on a TV show, which one would it be? Rob and Big

42. Why? 'Cause I want to use that handy-dandy net gun he bought after someone pooped in his pool. DO WORK.

43. Have you ever watched a movie and just "had" to do what they did? Remember "Cutting Edge" with all the ice skating? TOE-PICK!

44. Do you have a "face" you make in the mirror? I try to not look in the mirror.

45. Ever use someone else's toothbrush? NO.

46. Do you like/love the person you got this survey from? She's alright. I guess.

47. Can you whistle? Uh, yeah.

48. Can you wiggle your ears? Do ears wiggle? I can flare my nostrils like nobody's business though.

49. You have a song that comes on that you just "have" to turn up and sing to? Currently, Alicia Keys "No One"

50. Why is your number #1.. your number one? Because he knows just how crazy I am and still puts up with me anyway.

Can't wait to see all your answers. 'Cause I'm nosy like that.

Undomestic Diva Updates

Thought I would update ya'll [Trying "ya'll" on for size. Doesn't fit apparently.] on some past posts. Because you're dying to know what ever happened to the "C" word(s), my dabbling in the land of Myspace and so on.

Or, because I have nothing else to blog about.

But first, business is business: I am going to close the handy-dandy poll on choosing the name of the Not-A-Book-Club Book Club on Sunday, Feb. 24 at 8:00 PM PST. Whoever's name is chosen via the votes will win a lovely Starbuckish prize. So you have until then to vote - remember it's as important as choosing tomorrow's underwear so vote often and vote intelligently. It has to be the right fit. [I could go on with the puns, but you'd log off, wouldn't you?]

Now, for the updates:

** It is imperative that you all know that I am still not doing a proper job of holding up my husband's ego, and frankly, I'm still OK with that. My husband frequently tries to encourage that train of thought and I continually laugh at him.

** I am up to a whoppin' 17 friends on Myspace now, which means I am P-O-P-U-L-A-R. Yes, my glory days have finally arrived. And don't even try and tell me that having my sisters as part of those 17 friends doesn't count. UH-HUH! If I didn't have so much pride and dignity, I'd probably tell you that each time (all 17 times) I've gotten a "friend request" or someone accepted my pitiful plea to be my friend, I was so damn excited I had to immediately log in to see who it was. But like I said, I'm too proud to reveal such vulnerability.

** I am still 100 percent convinced that my youngest, Big T, has two tongues. Yes, the pediatrician said there was only one in there, but come on! I think I know my child better than some doctor. One of these days I'm going to have to pin him down and have someone help me take a photograph of it them. It's a phenomenon, I tell you.

** I do believe I took you along on the adventure of getting my boys a Wii for Christmas. And boy was it ever an adrenaline rush to fight the old ladies for that video game console. All so that my kids could have a good Christmas. And while they may not have known what-in-the-hell it was when they opened it, I think they appreciate it now. A little. Although, truthfully, perhaps my husband and I appreciates it just a little bit more. You did see him in all his rock star glory, right?

** The remodeled John Deere tractor my stepdad, Wild Bill [I had to change his blog name because he needs a goddamn haircut right now like nobody's business and I just could not lie to you and call him Short-Haired Bill any longer.] worked so hard on for my boys for Christmas. THEY LOVE IT. Someday, they'll probably love it even more when they're old enough to understand nostalgia.

** I think I greatly disturbed you with my Reindeer Games and bar scene via candy canes, some googly eyes and a couple pipe cleaners. Most of you have forgiven me by now, I hope. Which is perfect timing really, since I'm about to tell you that those bad boys are sitting in a coffee mug on my desk with a bunch of pens and highlighters STARING AT ME while I blog. Even the one-eyed guy is giving me a funny look, which I guess is not all that big of an accomplishment since he only has one eye. I had saved them thinking I'd give them as prizes to some contest but man, they're like family now. How could I give them up?

** Some of you responded unkindly to my friend Tamara in GA's dinner intervention when she bludgeoned me to death for feeding my kids Lunchables on a regular basis and felt a patriotic duty to start some laundry for me after witnessing the pile heap MOUNTAIN on my garage floor. But honestly folks, I needed help. I needed a good rationing and who better to give it than a friend? I want you all to know that my name is MEGAN and as of January 1, 2008, my children have not had a single Lunchable. In fact, my middle guy, L-Dub, occasionally asks if I can buy him some "poison" for lunch and I have to be strong and say, "Sorry buddy, Lunchables aren't good for you." I have also been doing really good on my laundry. I even bought bleach and Downey (fancy!) and have managed to not ruin everything. I tinkered with the water temperatures a few times and my husband even complimented me by saying, "It's amazing, honey, how you managed to shrink this shirt even though it's been washed and worn several times already." Isn't he great?

** Now this is not an easy subject for me, but it needs to be mentioned. The infamous "C" words. Let's just say that there are still no new "C" words, no plans for "C" words and we have now moved on to other household projects that are sure to never be completed, completely. I know that sounds redundant, but believe me, the point needs to be made OVER and OVER and OVER again. In case he's reading.

** And who could forget the Starbucksoholic thong-th-thong-thong? In what Evil Chef Mom and I are now dubbing the Traveling Thong, we're proud to announce that it has since made it's way to Canada and is the prize of a contest on Lexophile's blog. Check it out! Win it! Pass it on! (Because it's wrong and that's how I roll.)

Well, that's a lot of damn updating. If there are other posts you want updates on, let me know. This was probably more information than you ever wanted to know, but there you go. You know by now how I do it -- over the top. Always.