Undomestic Diva

The Book List

For those who are interested in the Undomestic Readers (Not-A-Book-Club Book Club), I've posted the book list for this Summer's reading here... and oh yes, it's trashy. In a good way.

Unbelievable

I just re-read through all your comments (for like, the fourth time) regarding my sister's update... I am in awe. And I am grateful. I'm even reconsidering the idea that there aren't any decent people left in this world, because, goddamnit, you all are amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(Not to get all cumbaya on your ass or anything.)

Update

My sister, she's OK. I want to get that out first, because I read through all your kind well-wishing comments from yesterday's post and I am just in awe of your support... for my sister, for me, for my family who, let's face it, you wouldn't know if you walked past us on the street. That says a lot about you.

(I even mentioned to my mom in the waiting room today that "the whole internet is thinking good thoughts for her" and my mom said "WHO?" and I had to tell her - my virtual BFFs - the crazy people who actually read my blog and she was like "Oh my god, that's soooo sweet!!" Believe me, if she knew where you all lived she would bake you each some homemade cookies and deliver them herself. She's that kind of lady.)

And while I am truly grateful just to have my sister back, I am a little disappointed in the outcome of the surgery. We had hoped it would answer some questions and also "fix her" at the same time and basically, it did neither. This horrible, torturous procedure may have been for nothing. Which, in itself is torturous.

I realize everything I'm telling you must seem incredibly vague, but I just don't want to bore you with the details... and the truth is, I could never possibly give you the whole extended version of her health problems because I'd be typing for days.

So... if you don't want to know all the nasty details, stop reading here. (I wouldn't blame you.)

In brief, she was diagnosed with GERD/Reflux (only in hindsight, she may have never had GERD) and a hiatal hernia. Medicine didn't work so she had major surgery where the doctor did a nissan fundoplication and, unexpectedly, a pyloroplasty at the same time. That was two and a half years ago and she's been sicker ever since. The downside to having a nissan done is that you no longer have the ability to throw up. Sounds delightful, right? No. Actually, almost every single time my sister eats, she has the urge to throw up - an urge she cannot satisfy.

Six months after her original surgery, she had an emergency surgery where they removed her gallbladder (thought to be related to her woes at the time), her appendix and while they were rootin' around in her with a stick, removed a large ovarian cyst. It was my mom's birthday. Hooray!

But guess what? None of these things fixed my sister's problem and for the last two years, she has seen every imaginable doctor... several different gastroenterologists, endocrinologist, neurologist, urologists, etc. She's had every "oscopy" known to man: endoscopies, colonoscopies, etc. There have been numerous tests: esophageal manometries, upper GI barium tests, X-rays and CAT scans and MRIs to no end... And she's tried every medication having anything to do with the GI system, along with a few medications that were tried not for their purpose, but instead hoping she'd benefit from the side effects. My sister not only has doctors stumped, she's now a national case study.

Oh, and did I mention she's 19?

Now, the doctors have figured out she has Pancreatitis, which is not a disease, but an infection that is usually brought on by either a) decades of alcohol abuse or b) an auto-immune disease. She has been tested for every auto-immune disease (they were sure it was lupus, they were sure it was MS...) and she doesn't have an auto-immune disease. Which led doctors to today's procedure, a very unkind ERCP. Doctors were hoping to find perhaps a blockage in her bile ducts or to put a stint in her (are you ready for this?) Sphincter of Oddi to prevent further episodes of Pancreatitis... but no, they think everything is normal, with a slight chance that there could be a polyp in her bile duct, but of course, they could only biopsy it and, if it is, go back in A-FREAKING-GAIN and do something about it... not now, later of course.

If you're still reading (and I doubt you are) I am just so, so tired. Tired of the hospitals, the "procedures," the not-knowing, the doctors, watching my sister cry and shake in her hospital bed, moaning in pain and wondering why in hell she can't have a normal life. Why she can't be healthy. Why no one can "fix" her.

And you know what? I feel absolutely sick with guilt that I am here at my house, showered and sitting in front of my laptop getting to tell you all about my day when she's still there, still in pain, with no better answers than she had yesterday.

Day Off

I'm taking the day off to be with my sister who is having surgery this morning. Good vibes, thoughts, prayers, and "it's-gonna-be-ok's" welcome here. Hospital horror stories, tales of surgeries gone wrong and all the "I had this friend who..." warnings, please eff off.

Winner

Holy hell you people have stolen a crap load of stuff from restaurants. You should be simultaneously ashamed and proud of yourselves.

And, can I just say, that I had no idea this many people so desperately wanted to win a set of 4 disposable coasters. Or is that you just wanted a chance to brag about your stolen goods? Either way, we have a winna!!!

I know the suspense is killing you, so... without further ado...

LORI, you lucky gal you! I bet you were lying awake last night, just hoping and fantasizing about winning this fantabulous prize.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Date Night

Candy Ass and I rarely go out for "date nights" so when we planned to do so on Friday night, I'll be honest, I was a little excited. Well, excited to go out to dinner, not so much excited to go see Indiana Jones. Blech.

I won't mention names, but let's just say we went to a restaurant where they're known to throw some shrimp on the barbie and aussie chips are just a fancy term for french fries. IT WAS GOOD. I elected to indulge my fat ass in the crown-cut fillet with bleu cheese atop, green beans and garlic mashed potatoes, all while honoring the recently past Robert Mondavi with a glass of his merlot. Candy Ass licked his chops with some baby back ribs, garlic mashed potatoes and a side salad.

I'm still rolling my eyes back in my head, in all its orgasmic goodness, just at the thought of our dinner. One word for ya: DANG!

Now I'm not completely certain what that says about my cooking, but damn, I haven't had a dinner that good in ages. And Candy Ass more than willingly agreed. Idiot.

All in all, it was downright fancy for us - right up until Candy Ass embarrassed me by ordering a dessert called "Thunder From Down Under" which only made me think of that nude gay male strip show in Vegas. Some of you may argue that those men aren't gay, but come on, they make Ryan Seacrest look manly. They're waxed and mani-pedi'd, chiseled and spray-tanned and have more product in their hair than backstage on the set of Dancing with the Stars. Besides, no straight man honestly a) wears one of those banana hammocks and b) can swing one of those banana hammocks in that kind of fashion; there is some skill - and practice - involved. Clearly. 

Anyhoo, that crazy concoction that Candy Ass ordered had me blushing. I felt like I gained 6 pounds just by looking at it. So I busied myself doing other things, like sipping my Mondavi and stealing the clever little coasters on the table. In turn, this greatly embarrassed Candy Ass who had suddenly found his moral compass that's been stuck in his ass a great many years and started preachin', "Tell me you are not taking those." Hey, it's better than stealing the drink menu, which let me tell you, would have totally fit in my purse.

After our dinner, we headed to the movie theater where I was disappointed to see that Indiana wasn't sold out. Not to pout, but hmpf! So I made Candy Ass buy me some Red Vine licorice. (As necessary as the tickets themselves.) I had wanted to bring a book and a reading light with me but he acted like that would be rude. As though Indiana himself might see me reading and therefore feel like I was disrespecting his movie, somehow resulting in having us banned from the next 14 sequels.

Hmm...

Once we found our seats next to a threesome of gray hairs who were giddy to see what's-his-butt crack his whip, I decided that despite being stuffed from our amazing dinner, mate, I needed popcorn. It always smells so damn good and tastes so damn bad, but what's going to the movies without buying popcorn? So I sent Candy Ass back to the concession stand to get me popcorn, and oh yeah, a drink too, before the adventure began. (I was shaking in my chucks, I was so goddamn excited.)

I'd like to insert my review of Indiana Jones here, however, I do believe I slept through a good portion of the middle of the movie, right up until Candy Ass told me to get off his arm, it was falling asleep. (I know, he can be so inconsiderate sometimes.) But basically, the movie sucked, and even if it didn't, I'd never admit that now. But, honestly, I couldn't have liked it because I don't like movies like that... movies that make me feel like I'm watching a video game. Like Star Wars. And The Scorpion King(?).

I mean, WTF anyway? When do I get to go to the movies to see something I want to see? No wonder I fall asleep every time. I had wanted to see Baby Mama. Now that looks like a classic in the making. I mean, it could very well possibly compete against my all-time fav Old School for my affection if it turns out to be as funny as it looks.

But it's not like I'll ever find out. [sigh] [loudly]

Anyway, in an ode to date nights and bad movies, I thought I'd do a little giveaway... In the comments section of this post, tell me what you may or may not have stolen from a restaurant. (And no, I am not currently collaborating with any police jurisdictions.) All entries posted by 8:00 PM Pacific will be put into a bowl, with Candy Ass drawing the winner. (Please, only one entry per person this time.)

Oh but what will you win? ARE YOU SITTING DOWN FOR THIS? I have, the set of 4 coasters allegedly stolen from our date night restaurant and (YES! THERE'S MORE!!) the actual coasters used by myself and Candy Ass - SIGNED. You can't afford to miss out on this one. Martha Stewarts gonna be kickin' herself for not thinking of this, I just know it.

Good luck mates!

Reflect

To my brother-in-law Jeff, who, at the age of 22, "has seen everything," earning a purple heart in combat and to my cousin Ashley who is still in the midst of war, I love you.

 

They are not men and women, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, fiancees and significant others, parents, sons or daughters, cousins, nephews and nieces, friends or co-workers, neighbors or acquaintances; they are heroes.

Today, Memorial Day, is not a three-day weekend, a day off from work or school, and it's not the beginning of Summer. It's a day to reflect and to be grateful to soldiers, living and passed, that "all gave some and some gave all." (Billy Ray Cyrus)

GASp!

Not to get all political on your ass, but seriously, if the government is soooo worried about a recession, about the economy, about housing, about inflation, etc... then why aren't they regulating gas prices?

Little ol' me might not have a degree in economics or a history of working in a government agency, but it seems to me that gas is the one thing we all have in common, the one thing that affects us ALL - both as people and as companies.

Wouldn't lowering gas prices leave people like you and me more money to spend on other things? Which, in my mind, would do a lot more to stimulate the economy than a one time check. (That, ironically enough, is being used by many to afford groceries and other necessities because of the higher fuel costs.)

Just venting.

Idol Breakdown

I'll admit it. I watched the American Idol finale. WITH, LIKE, A GAZILLION OTHER PEOPLE. So if you tell me you didn't watch, I am choosing to not believe you. Because it makes me feel better about watching it.

Can I just say that I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome? And that I may or may not have jumped up and down on my couch in excitement ala Tom Cruise when the winner was announced? I know. I'm sorry. I just got carried away in the moment.

I kept waiting for Daughtry to come out and sing and then I was like, oh yeah, he didn't win American Idol. He came in like 6th or something absurd like that. I don't even remember who won that year? All I know is that he definitely should have won. (I know there are some of you "Achin' Breakin' Bacon Clay Aiken Lovers" - or whatever you call yourselves - that are going to try and tell me Clay Aiken should have won his year instead of RUUUUUU-ben, which means I'm going to have to break up with you right now. RIGHT NOW.)

The real highlight of the evening for me was the ZZ Top/David Cook performance. It was just, just, ROCKIN'. I still have no clue who those dweeby pre-teen boys were with their skinny jeans and high, squeaky voices. I believe Ryan Seacrest was like, "This band needs no introduction..." and I was like YES THEY DO SEACREST, I've never seen them before. And I have to tell you it was a little uncomfortable watching them... it's like those Girls Gone Wild videos when you know the girls aren't 18. It stunk of creepy. Also, did their high voices have to do with those unbearably unflattering tight jeans?

TANGENT: No man, EVER, should wear skinny jeans. It makes them look like they have no junk. Or at least, very very small junk. And what's up with the chunky guys wearing these jeans? Um, hello, muffin top... I don't know how you wedged yourself into those bad boys [whisper] but it doesn't look good.

And George Michael. WTF? I probably don't have to say this, but I bet the producers are kicking themselves in the balls after that BIG! BANG! BOOM! finale at the end of the show which, well, fell flat. True, the song was incredibly uplifting and optimistic... something about god not coming back because none of his children are left... and there's no hope... I was thinking, since the world is in such good shape and all, I should just cancel my life insurance policy. Or collect on it.

So now that we all know you watched, what did you think?

Steals & Deals - Edition 3

Removing the link... a number of people have said this company... yeah, not so great... in their experience. Well this surely blew up in my face.

If you like make-up, wear make-up or know of someone who might have heard of make-up before then pay close attention: I know of a website where you can get high quality (and I'm talking featured-in-major-magazines-quality) mineral-based make-up for $1.

Oh yes, you heard read me correctly. ONE DOLLAH.

The challenge is to shop while simultaneously showing restraint. I don't think it's humanly possible.

For those of you who do submit to the evils of this little internet shopping gone wild adventure, I want to know. So I don't feel so... alone. That's right, I'm talking to YOU - who not only has her credit card number memorized, but the 3-digit security number on the back also.

[UPDATE: While I'm at it, I'm going to wire $50 to a Nigerian bank and wait for my $5,000 return. ALLEGEDLY, this ONE DOLLAH special isn't a special, the make-up is always this price. Someone emailed me and was like, HEY DUMBASS, IT'S ALWAYS ONE DOLLAR. Ohhhhhhh. Well, whatever. As long as it doesn't make my skin burn or fall off, $1 is still a steal and a deal.]