The Ghost of Mother's Day Past

Mom, sisters, aunts, family members and those of you wishing to not know certain things about me that fall under "too much information" category, you may stop reading now.

No really. Stop reading. You don't want know. Trust me.

I have to tell you, that my husband Candy Ass, well, he's given me some wacky gifts in the past. One Valentine's Day, he gave me rubber mud boots. Not to sound ungrateful, but what in eff am I going to do with mud boots? As a graduation gift, he gave me camouflage clothing. Because...? On my 21st birthday, he left that morning to "run a quick errand," came back with a grocery bag and said "Here. Happy Birthday." It was filled with alcohol. And there was that one time he made his mom go into Victoria's Secret to buy my gift because he felt like a pervert in that store. TO BUY LOTION, not even lingerie.

[sigh]

For a while though, Candy Ass was truly making progress in the gift giving arena. He started buying me gifts before the actual holiday and tried hard to come up with things I might actually have a use for... Although he always felt the need to drop far too obvious hints in the days leading up to giving me the gift. (I don't want to know!!! Please. Surprise me! For the fun of it!) But honestly, these gifts were far better than mud boots and camouflage and I'm (slowly) learning the value of knowing when to just shut-up and appreciate that it's the thought that counts. When there's thought.

But last year, on Mother's Day, I'd say he took a giant step backward in the gift giving department. It's not so much that he didn't put thought into it - because he definitely did. {shutter} And it's true that he thought it was something I could actually use. {shutter} But... well, it just wasn't what I would deem an appropriate gift. At least not for Mother's Day.

For starters, whatever it was, it wasn't wrapped; it was still in the manila envelope it was mailed in. Um, OK. You know how you just get that feeling when something just isn't right? Unmarked, manila padded envelope... I was certain it was anthrax or something equally fatal. Was he mad at me? Had I done something wrong more wrong? Hmmm...

I opened the envelope as gently as possible, hoping not to detonate any explosive device, not particularly wanting to be obliterated into tiny little specks and ruin the carpet. (On second thought, oh hell. If I'm going to die some explosive death, might as well take the carpet with me, right?) I peeked into the envelope hesitantly, my stomach in a double knot and sweat on my brow.

And then my heart stopped beating.

For like 30 seconds, I SWEAR-TO-GOD I DIED. Only there was no light at the end of the tunnel, just a lot of flames and oh god, the heat! I had died and gone to hell. That part, not so surprising. But I was shocked when I came to and realized that yes, indeed, my Mother's Day gift, in its original mailing envelope, was none other than a hot pink vibrator.

Like a chameleon, my face turned the same shade of hot pink and my shaking hands dropped the envelope like a brown recluse spider had just crawled out and bit me. Maybe one had. Maybe I was just hallucinating...

Nope.

Now let me just tell you a little something about this... this... toy. It's not a colorful, cheerful, innocent, perfectly normal hoochiemagoo. It's damn near heavy machinery in the world of sex toys. It's bent and big and ginormous in girth and looks like someone's pearl necklace got caught in the middle of it, and there's a second doohicky protruding where I'm pretty sure no doohicky should protrude - at least not on a real live man (unless I'm missing something here) - and there are speeds and up and down arrows and levels of gyration and frankly, no device should require that many D batteries, and HOLY HELL WHERE AM I GOING TO HIDE THIS SHIT? was all I could think of.

"Do you like it?" Candy Dumb Ass asked excited, certain he had picked the perfect gift.

"Um. WHAT THE F*CK?"

I couldn't help it. I was... caught off guard? A little?

"It's your Mother's Day present! I picked it out for you!" he said, still far too enthusiastic about a device that could potentially replace him - or so I've heard.

"Well I certainly hope the kids didn't help you with that."

"You don't like it?" Candy Ass asks, offended.

"Um. Let me think. Yeah. NO!!!"

"But I thought --"

"And when my mother asks me what I got for Mother's Day? What the f*ck am I supposed to say?"

"I don't know."

Let me just tell you, I can't even call that pink machine by its intended name because the blushing almost hurts. So, like every normal couple, we gave it a nickname. Bruce.

Let me tell you, Bruce, yeah. He still sits where he was sat originally. Untouched, unscathed, unused. Because, frankly, it scares the living bejesus out of me. I've never handled a power tool before...

I'd throw him away but the trash men would surely discover it, take pictures of themselves making rude gestures with it and then post them around my neighborhood with a sign that says "THIS BELONGS TO THAT FREAKY BITCH AT THE HOUSE RIGHT THERE!!"

At least, that was the thought that ran through my head when I had originally thought of wrapping the son-of-a-bitch in a set of Cal-King sheets four hundred times over, then dousing it with oil and dog crap - just so no one would be tempted to unravel the sheets - and then stuffing it in the bottom of the garbage bin. But I chickened out, so instead, it still sits in that same damn drawer, mocking me and intimidating me like a middle school bully, whispering what a wuss I must be every time I walk past it.

Needless to say, Mother's Day... yeah. I'm totally OK with skipping the whole gift giving part this year. No. Really. In my head, I'm constantly hearing a low hum, almost a buzzing sound, like something... vibrating? I swear, it's like the Ghost of Mother's Day Past, in all its hot pink glory, is haunting me.

 

Comments

[TheMama]

O. M. G.

That has to be the funniest Mother's Day gift I have ever heard of. Bizzare for you, but thanks for taking one for the team and sharing the laugh with the rest of us.

Happy Mother's Day, and here's hoping your gift takes less than 4 D-cells!

[Kristin]

Holy shit. For MOTHER'S DAY?! Was he HIGH? That goes beyond any male-cluelessness story ever. EVER. I wish I'd known about this in time for the "Ask the Candy Ass" invitation, because I got some questions for him on this one. Like WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WERE YOU THINKING?

[Sara]

Happy Mother's Day! I don't want us to have any more kids!

[Jen]

Maybe it was one of those gag maze gifts where the "pearl necklace" was inside and you just needed to get it open to get your gift....Or maybe it should be used to beat Candy Ass over the head..

[mechelle]

C'mon!! (oily drug dealer voice)"give it a try ... the first times free!!" JK sorry we had a pure romance party last month and I was scared too!!

[TwentyFourAtHeart]

Briefcase has been working on the gift giving thing for 23 years now - mostly unsuccessfully which is why I now pretty much tell him out-right what "might" be a good idea. I also got an insanely large vibrator one year, although not for mother's day. Not quite as many special features as yours but it looked like it should be attached to a dinosaur. Scary. It was too big to even hide - what was I going to do, display it in the china cabinet for the kids and visitors to see? I did throw it in the trash as soon as Briefcase left on a business trip, but not before disguising it several times over by wrapping it, putting it in a box, etc. The trashmen have never looked at me quite the same.

[Bekah]

OMG he got you a Rabbit!, or was it the dolphin! thats more of a valentines day present. last year I got a frying pan. meh

[TwentyFourAtHeart]

Oops I just re-read your opening paragraph. No aunts allowed. Sorry. I won't tell.

[Lennie Locken]

You made my day. Really.

[nicole rogers]

Hey, you got a waskilly Wabbit! lol You should just sell it on ebay and get somthing you really want or need. Like a Starbucks gift card! lol

[Suzanne]

Sounds like the perfect prize for your next "Guess That Photo" contest!!! (and I'll be sitting THAT one out, thank you very much!)

[Kate]

That's hysterical. Hopefully he'll make up for it this year. :)

[Shay]

Um, I have the said toy and I think you should reconsider ;) yes, its intimidating, but don't let that deter you. you won't be sorry. lol

[Becky]

Oh dear - Oh no - I'm blushing just reading this.

Nice! Really Nice!

Just don't let him hide it in your carry on bag next time you travel. Do NOT ask!

[J]

Confession Time....
I just entered your website at
http://thepioneerwoman.com/confessions/
in an attempt to win a camera and printer.
You had to post a favourite website and yours is one of mine!
If I win....I'll send you a picture!
J

[Daniel]

I have used that particular toy with my woman-friend and she has been quite pleased with the results.

It would seem that candy ass is trying to lure you into being more experimental in the boudoir...I'm just saying.

[Kelly]

Seriously, I had to go change because I peed a little when I read that. What'd you get him for father's day? LMFAO!

[MichelleR]

I just listed your website on PW too!

Ridiculously hilarious story! Has he ever given you any kitchen items? I'm just like you in the cooking department, and one year my husband bought me a George Foreman grill and a rice cooker for Christmas. The hell?

[Meg]

Valentine's Day...maybe...as a joke...followed by a pretty box with a diamond necklace in it.

But, MOTHER'S DAY?!? My god, man, he's lucky you didn't bury him in the backyard along with the vibrator.

[Tamara in GA]

I am dying that you went public with that story. Eeek!

[Chrissa]

Just found you via Becky's post on Pioneer Woman and think this post is hilarious. My first Valentine's Day as a married person my husband gave me a chainsaw. Tell Candy Ass about this lovely new-fangled service called the amazon.com wishlist. Use it, love it- instead of your new unmentionable. :)

[SherE1]

OH...MY...GAWD... The least he could have done was wrap a REAL pearl necklace around it.. or better yet, diamond necklace.

The first time I ever saw one of those was at a bachelorette party that my friend threw for her daughter. My friend actually BOUGHT it for her daughter. Yes, you heard me right. AND everyone RAVED about it. I just about fell over! Yeah, I'll just take their word for it. Ack! I'm all uncomfortable just recalling the memory!

HAVE A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

[sally]

.....honey, if that's what he got you, not being his mother and all, what did he get for her?......i'm just askin'.....

[di]

i got a fishing pole (I don't fish)!!!
i listed your website on PW in attempts of winning her current contest. di :)

[Ms Picket To You]

My friend (and by "my friend" i do NOT mean me) had her Mothers Day Gift (and by that i mean "vibrator") go off in the overhead compartment on a plane. They wouldn't take off until the culprit was found. I am pretty sure she still doesn't speak to her husband.