Infidelity
You would not believe the rage searing through my bones right now. The absolute hate, not even I thought I was capable of. But sure enough, here I am teetering on the edge of sanity, toying with the idea of first degree murder. (Which makes it first degree murder.)
The other day, Candy Ass and I accepted a neighbor's invitation to come over and swim. So we went on over, but neither of us really wanted to get in the pool just yet, so he and I sat on their couch talking about the normal things like boob jobs and how much they cost. When I noticed a girl we both knew was there - a girl who also happened to have had a boob job - I called her over and explained to Candy Ass that she had hers done and look how nice and real they look. He just looked at me, thoroughly crimson in color, a little shocked that I had so openly discussed someone else's breastes in front of her, in front of him.
I decided to go ahead and go swimming in the pool and left Candy Ass to sulk on the couch about his inappropriate wife. When I went out back, I noticed no one was in the pool yet so I just made small talk with an old friend for fifteen minutes or so before going back inside to find Candy Ass.
And boy, did I ever find Candy ASS.
There, on the couch where I left him, he laid, pants undone, with the Boob Job Girl naked and on top of him, doing her best impression of riding a bull, while giving him a personal tour of her plastic surgeon's work, among other things.
That muther f u c k i n g bastard was cheating on me, right there, in the same house as me! Like I wouldn't see it? Like someone else wouldn't stumble upon them ON THE LIVING ROOM COUCH?!?! It felt like years before Candy Ass finally turned his cheating bitch ass head my way and caught my knowing stare, and then all he did was sort of shrug (!!!) like Aw well, what's a man to do?
Can you even f u c k i n g believe the nerve? I was am so hurt and pissed and shocked. I wanted to cry and yell and kill and just annihilate. Of all the things, of all the ways he could hurt me... I mean, christ... is there anything more insulting?
And you better believe that as soon as I woke up, I punched that asshole straight in the chest, at which point he sat straight up, adjusted his eyes to the light of day and said, "What the f u c k did you hit me for? I was sleeping!"
Oh no he didn't. That cheating bastard did not just question me. "You're a no good, cheating bastard and you're lucky I didn't kick you squaw in the nuts for your little act of infidelity. I HATE YOU!" I told him.
He just plopped his head back down on his pillow, rubbed his sore chest (that's right bitch!)and muttered, "Christ."
I'm telling you, that dream was so real and vivid, chock full of people we knew and nudity and so graphic in detail that I still hate him and it's been four days since my dream nightmare. Asshole.
I don't even have the words to express how much I hate it when my wife has a dream about me cheating on her, or a dream that I'm leaving her, or that I'm mad at her.
I feel like I have to go around apologizing to her for her psychic-psuedo-me.
Posted by: Backpacking Dad | 08 July 2008 at 12:43 AM
Ah hahahahahahahahahahaha!! I'm so m'f'in glad I'm not the only one who does this shit. Did you then punch him *again for bellyaching about being kidney punched instead of comforting you after your nightmare? Because if you didn't do that, I will feel all alone again.
And really, even though it was a dream, you were totally justified for busting him a good one because, hello, he's done SOMETHING to make your subconscious get all whacko about him cheating. Or at least that's how I justify the late-night, double kidney punching that happens at our house.
Posted by: Steph | 08 July 2008 at 12:51 AM
I used to have dreams like that when I was with my ex-husband.
It would usually happen when I was napping during the day and he would call me and the phone would wake me up right in the middle of the dream.
I had him afraid to come home a few times lol
Posted by: Cammie | 08 July 2008 at 12:51 AM
Creepy dream!!! It must have been like watching a bad movie - starring Candy Ass and any bimbo from NipTuk (just pick one).
Posted by: Donna | 08 July 2008 at 05:46 AM
Who needs a dream? Sucker punch him in the gut anyway. Keeps em on their toes. :-)
Posted by: Sprite's Keeper | 08 July 2008 at 05:51 AM
Candy Ass is a straight up pimp. Give it to that plastic dream girl, Candy Ass!
Posted by: Black Hockey Jesus | 08 July 2008 at 06:08 AM
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA
Oh I have done this. MANY times.
The worst was the night I woke him up sobbing, "I can't believe you would sleep with my MOTHER!"
He was not amused. Not even a little.
Posted by: Miss Britt | 08 July 2008 at 06:09 AM
Oh, Lord...haven't we all been pissed because dream boyfriend/husband is cheating on us? Ha...and you KNOW it's not rational but dammit, you were heartbroken!
But I swear, if I punched my current boyfriend in his sleep for any reason, I would probably be dead before he even fully woke up (he's in the Army Infantry and was in Iraq for 18 months and you just don't WAKE a guy after that - not violently, anyway). Ha ha...poor Candy Ass. And poor you, for that bastard cheating!
Posted by: Jenn in IL | 08 July 2008 at 07:07 AM
OMG! You had me going there for a minute! My heart was beating, my mouth was open in disbelief, and yet in the end I wanted to punch him for you! I HATE dreams like that!
Posted by: Claudia W. | 08 July 2008 at 07:24 AM
i hate those dreams... i've punched my husband while i was sleeping!
Posted by: evil chef mom | 08 July 2008 at 08:04 AM
LOL! I hate dreams like that, cuz then I'm mad all day.
Posted by: Kate | 08 July 2008 at 08:05 AM
I had an incredibly vivid dream when we'd been married around 5 years. I woke up drenched in sweat and told him about it. He had cheated on me and in my distress I started hitting him... and clawing at him. I couldn't stop and in my head I was screaming at myself to stop... to my horror his skin was clawed away and his muscles and tendons were all showing... like a diagram in a science book... and then I got down to his bones and his innards were showing... with his heart beating and lungs heaving.. and I started clawing at his face until he was a skull with pleading eyes looking at me. I was so distressed by this dream that I've never fully shaken it. My husband? Him neither. And he has never cheated on me. I think it scared him but good.
Crum. Now I am going to go around feeling sick today just for thinking about it. Ick.
Posted by: Coffee Bean | 08 July 2008 at 08:17 AM
HAHAHA!
Whew. My heart was racing, jaw slack with shock until you let us know it was a dream.
And yes, I've had dreams of the same ilk.
I guess fake boobies are not in your immediate future? :)
Posted by: blue bamboo | 08 July 2008 at 08:27 AM
eww dats scandalous~!
Posted by: tano | 08 July 2008 at 08:35 AM
Oh good LORD... I TOTALLY had one of those VERY DREAMS LAST NIGHT!!! It didn't go QUITE that far, but might as well have! It was with his ex, no less, who is the only person on this earth that makes my f-ing blood BOIL!!!!! And if he had still been in the bed and not have gone to work already I would have totally kicked his ass!!!!!
Posted by: Shelley Moore | 08 July 2008 at 08:49 AM
Must be something in the water. Just last night I dreamed that The Man of the House had some trampy bridesmaid in his lap. I actually got out of bed and went to sleep for the rest of the night in another room.
Posted by: KathyR | 08 July 2008 at 09:07 AM
I've had that same similar dream too. I got revenge, though...I smashed my car right into that hussy's car while she was still in it and drove off smiling. Then woke up and kicked hubby in the knee. Men!
Posted by: Lennie | 08 July 2008 at 09:43 AM
You totally had me going! I thought... there is NO WAY, Candy Ass cant get girls like that. (except you of course minus the fake stuff). (Tell him that this comment is for the time he made fun of my NKOTB night out in March)
Posted by: RV | 08 July 2008 at 09:48 AM
*snort* that was good...lol
Posted by: Lisa T. | 08 July 2008 at 10:26 AM
When my hubs is on tour, I have a recurring dream that I call him in the middle of the night and some girl answers his cell phone. He's been frozen out many a time after that one.:)
Posted by: Rock and Roll Mama | 08 July 2008 at 11:22 AM
I'm with RV. As someone who has sat in the car with C.A. while our drunken spouses stumbled into a store to get more "good stuff", I feel confident that he would never a. Put forth the energy. b. Have the alone time. & c. Take that risk. Doesn't he know about the blade when a poor man just wants to deliver a stove?
Posted by: Tamara in GA | 08 July 2008 at 11:27 AM
I woulda punched the boob job chick, too. Right in the DD ta-tahs.
who the #@&* does she think she is?
fargin' up a perfectly good dream.
Posted by: swirl girl | 08 July 2008 at 12:16 PM
Hmmm... I'm married, and I don't think I had any dream like that so far, but if I did, I would never hit my husband because of it!
Why? If my husband hit me because of my being unfaithful on a dream, I'd make sure I would accept an invitation from the hot guy in my office, and do whatever I had been already punished for!
:-)
Posted by: blog reader | 08 July 2008 at 06:46 PM
LMAO! Oh that was a nice laugh to end my night :) Thank you!
And I have SO done this before!
Posted by: Kat | 08 July 2008 at 08:29 PM
I have vivid cheating dreams all the time. Sometimes it takes me days to shake 'em!! Great story though...glad it was just a dream...for Candy Ass's sake!
Posted by: jlo | 08 July 2008 at 08:37 PM