Ladies, hold onto your post-partum bladders as I tell you that this here post may just contain a recipe.
Whether it's edible or not... now that's your problem.
Last night for dinner - and yes I actually made dinner - I made Old School Tacos. They are an old favorite for Candy Ass and I, especially when we're looking to up our cholesterol and pack on a few LB's. THEY ARE GREASY GOOD.
Here's what you need to make the best goddamn Old School Tacos ever:
1lb Ground Beef
1 packet Lawry's Taco Seasoning
1 small can El Pato Tomato Sauce
***Added a photo of El Pato since many of you weren't sure what it is. I forgive you. This time. But this, my friends, is a food STAPLE.***
Either corn tortillas to fry as taco shells OR flour tortillas for soft taco shells
Plus whatever else you like on your tacos (pronounced tay-coes, btw) like refried beans, rice [boil one cup El Pato, add one cup rice, turn off and let stand for ten minutes for super spicy rice] and I also recommend some sort of salsa or pico de gallo... the one thing I can make from scratch. Sorta.
HERE'S HOW YOU DO'S IT:
Brown the ground beef. As you're doing this, start your refried beans, take a swig of a newly opened beer and make your pico de gallo.
Let me tell you a little story. Two weeks ago I visited my not-so-local Ikea and was feelin' fancy and very Iron-Chef-America-ish and bought myself a GARLIC PRESS. It was like $2 and I thought, aw hell, I can totally do this, so I bought it and whooped it out last night while making my pico.
NOTE: Garlic press accepts only one clove of garlic at a time and requires that you remove the skin first.
I was sooo impressed by the way it mashed the garlic right through those tiny little holes, that I immediately eyed my serrano and jalapeno suspiciously... Sure enough, I was able to get a serrano and a jalapeno through my garlic press, small chunks at a time. I also tried a coffee bean, just to see if it would go through, but it didn't. And then it smelled like jalapeno afterward and tasted rather spicy. (FYI, should you get the urge to try a coffee bean like I did.)
In my pico de gallo, I use: Two small tomatoes, two cloves of garlic, one serrano, one small jalapeno, cilantro if I have it, and a little kosher salt. (Truth be known, I have no fucking clue why I use Kosher salt, but all the big time chefs always use it, so I thought I should too.)
GODDAMN IT! You forgot about the meat!! I said brown it not do it cajun-style. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, you people are hard to teach. Drain the now blackened meat and pretend it's cooked perfectly. Add the packet of Lawry's Taco Seasoning, can of El Pato, plus two more El Pato cans worth of water and let it cook on high until the meat has absorbed all the sauce.
While the meat is simmering or cooking or whatever other synonym you want to use here, if you are going to fry corn tortillas for taco shells, you had better be pre-heating your oil already. Maybe I should have told you that at the beginning. Sorry.
But I must warn you before we move on about the dangers of cooking with oil.
Let me tell you another little story. The year was 2004 and L-Dub was one week old. Candy Ass had
deserted me for returned to work after having stayed home to help me manage E-man and the new baby the first few days and I was desperate to prove that I could handle TWO WHOLE KIDS and put a decent dinner on the table when he got home. There were two problems with this ill-fated attempt: 1) I've never been able to put a decent dinner on the table, kids or no kids and 2) I was wrong, I could not handle TWO WHOLE KIDS by myself.
Anyway, I went all out, making some sort of chicken concoction and like four side dishes, every burner on the stove aglow. Well, long story short, the one burner we normally used to fry taco shells on apparently had some leftover oil residue and basically... WAIT. No. Most definitely caught fire. While it didn't occur to me to call 9-1-1, I did remember something about a fire extinguisher below the sink so I went for it and instantly regretted not having read the directions on how to use it beforehand. Because if there's one thing that makes putting out an emergent fire sorta fucking impossible, it's having to stop and calmly read directions on how to use the extinguisher. And honest to god, I couldn't get the fucker to go.
So now here's where I call 9-1-1, right? WRONG. I called my stepdad who lives around the corner and one street over and screamed into the phone: OH MY GOD MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE I CAN'T PUT IT OUT WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO??? And just as I hear the scrrreeeeeeeccching of tires in record, unfathomable time in my driveway, I FINALLY! manage to pull the damn tab from the extinguisher and WHHOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHH, white dust is EVERYWHERE as Wild Bill is simultaneously damn near busting down the goddamn front door, fire extinguisher in hand, ready to... well... extinguish. I hang up the phone, 'cause clearly he's no longer on the other end of it, and blink my dry, smokey eyes at him. "Did you call 9-1-1?" Wild Bills asks, out of breath. Um, oh yeah. I guess I should have tried them. But no. He just looks at me like JESUS CHRIST WOMAN and tells me to get the one-week-old -oh yeah, remember him?- off the living room floor and take him outside where it's not so smokey.
So where were we? Oh yeah. Oil. Starts fires. WATCH OUT.
Last night, as I went to fry up some taco shells, I couldn't - for the life of me - find where our only pair of kitchen tongs were. I needed them to get the shells in and out of that dangerous! hot! oil! I looked everywhere and called Candy Ass and asked him. He was really helpful with his "How should I know?" So I hung up and got real inventive on his ass by searching the kitchen for something - anything else I could use to somehow grip and hold taco shells.
I found the perfect solution: Chopsticks. OH YES. Now I'm not even going to play games and tell you it was easy; it wasn't. But I found my chi and fried those taco shells right up with my leftover Panda Express chopsticks. Talk about being resourceful! Send THAT hint to Heloise, bitch.
Now when the shells and the meat and the pico de gallo and your beans and maybe your super spicy rice are ready, it's time to shell up, eat and enjoy.
Now that was easy, wasn't it?
(Hey, compared to two nights ago when Candy Ass came home to find our newest fire extinguisher sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor just in case... last night was a complete success!) (Two nights ago it got a little hairy when a small big flame appeared in our gas oven coming from a yet to be determined source. I opened the oven door, stuck my head in and stared it down until it eventually went out and called it good.) (It didn't occur to me until just now that perhaps an open flame + a gas oven might not be a good idea. Huh. Learn something new every day, don't we?)