Return to sender

I am accumulating guilt like my shelves are gathering dust: rapidly.

It's confession time, people.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I've been using those hokey little return address labels that come in the mail from various charities without donating to their cause.

Now I realize from studying Criminal Law in college that ignorance is not a defense, but I'll be honest with you, I'm not exactly sure what the proper etiquette is with those damned things.

Father, am I allowed to say "damned" while in confession?

I mean, if I don't use the labels, am I still obligated to donate because they have already gone to the trouble of printing them for me? If I shred them, am I being rude? Is there some sort of tracking device on those muthas so that when you use one, they check it against their database to see if you donated or not?

Father, am I allowed to say "mutha" while in confession?

I've got to say, I feel like I being backed into a corner here... I mean, I never asked these charities to print the labels for me... I didn't want them to print them for me... It's like a guilt-trap. I feel like I'm being coerced into donating to a cause I don't really believe in. Doesn't that fall under the "worshiping false idols" contract we're all supposed to have with The Man, The Myth, The Legend?

And no, I'm talking about Ric Flair here, Father. You should know that.

Now that I think about it, if I only donate because I feel guilted into doing so, then is that even a good-intentioned, selfless donation? Or has it now become selfish because I only donated in order to feel less guilty?

And Father, I don't want to start pointing fingers here, but frankly, I feel like if I don't donate and then don't use the labels either, then they're forcing me to risk identity theft by throwing them away. Yes, of course I've tried to shred them, but you see, they're purposely designed so that they jam the fucking shredder every time you try to feed them through. IT'S A CONSPIRACY. Could even be the work of the devil, ya know...

Father, I probably shouldn't have said "fucking," right? But why? It really has nothing to do with the big guy...

Anyway. So I started using the labels, without donating, but only on stuff like bills. Somehow it feels less dirty than say, using them on my Christmas cards. I wrote to Miss Manners asking for her opinion on the subject, but I have to say, she's a real bitch and I never heard back...

I know, I know, Father. I shouldn't have said "Christmas," I should have called it "Jesus' Birthday." God, it's hard to talk to you people.

The more I think about it though (and clearly, I've been thinking about it), this really isn't my fault at all. I'm not the one who should be worried about my eternal soul because some thoughtless charity was cutting down trees for their mailers to selfishly try and fund their life-changing cause for people in need. If anything, I should be pissed off and feeling pissed on because I was given free address labels that save me the hassle of writing our return address when really, the charities should have been using that money doing whatever the fuck they are trying to get money from me to do. Christ!

Father...?

Comments

[Maria]

Identity theft is a really good fucking reason. And you know in some perverted way that makes me feel like a heartless monster - I totally agree with your last paragraph.

If there's a hell I'm so going to be burning my big ass off right beside you.

[Marinka]

My free legal advice is that anything that is sent to you in the mail, unsolicited, is a gift. Now, say three hail Marinkas.

[Tamara in GA]

Your going to hell either way, so use 'em up!

[kristin]

And for your penance, say three Hail Marys and an Act of Contrition.

Can you tell I was raised Catholic? God, I hated Confession.

[Donna in VA]

I've always had the same problem/guilt trip. I've got a drawer FULL of those things and I don't know what to do with them. My mistake was that I actually GAVE to one of them once. Then, it was like I was attacked by the Godzilla of label makers. I've now got more labels than I will EVER USE in my lifetime. . . even if I didn't feel guilty.
So my advice - don't ever donate.

By the way, I think like you do. Spend the money they spend MAKING the stupid labels on what they want us to donate money TO. Problem solved.

Geez - does it take us geniuses out here to solve everything?

[Sprite's Keeper]

Is it a sin to hope for some new ones since they changed my zip code and I've been forced to change the one to a six instead of just writing my return label?

[Claudia W]

I have like a gazillion of those damned labels and I send out maybe two things a month through the mail! I'm with you...we may all go to hell, but at least we'll all be in good company.

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

You could mail them back to them and tell them, "THanks but No Thanks"

[RV]

I got some of those too. But mine were from People Magazine. They wanted me to renew my subscription so they sent me return labels that were a "free GIFT" So the way I look at it is they were a gift therefore I have the right to use them. And seriously I cannot renew my subscription because those magazines come out so damn fast. Im backed up til like the middle of June. I need a year to finish reading all those issues then maybe I will renew.

[Dodi]

I always want to use them but they always get my name wrong. I get Mr. in front of my name. My daughter gets them for her sticker box. Nothing like an address label on a potty chart.

[Amy]

I am so there!!! Omg my sides hurt I was laughing so hard!

* I know I shouldn't have said Omg, I'm gonna burn*

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

I must be the American Heart Association's little bitch, because I get a ton of labels from them every four months! I don't know enough people or bill collectors to use that many labels over the course of the year.

The way I see it, I'm set up until at least the Rapture, and after that, I'm going to be in a bit of a pickle, what with my change of address and all!

[muffintop]

We just moved and I've been wondering how I can get some for our new address... I love those labels! I've gotten really good at blocking out the guilt. Probably not a good or holy thing, the guilt-blocking and all, but I'm okay with it.

[Chag]

Wait... doesn't everyone use those address labels without giving to the charity that printed them?

[ali]

wait...how come no one sends me any address labels? i want the chance to use them without giving to the organization, damnit!

[Amanda Cowan]

I feel the same way.. but like another comment mentions.. it was sent to me unsolicited. I give to charity, but I choose the causes I want to give to. So I keep the damned labels. But I also think: I should give the money to some cause that works to save trees whenever they send me these damned labels.

I really love your blog btw

[Evelyn]

Amen, sistah!

[Tootsie Farklepants]

One thing that I learned (and retained, imagine that!) from my business law class was that if someone sends you something, unsolicited, you're free to keep it and not obligated to pay them. I would guess that applies to making charitable contributions as well.

[Timi]

Hey if you have a sign from God on this subject of it being right or wrong can you let me know. Me, myself and I have had this same conversation over those damn address labels.
Thanks for "addressing" this problem.

Damn I crack myself up!

[Tracey]

Dude, right around Christmas time I get the ones that have little Christmasy firgures on them. I use them on Christmas cards. That's right, I do. Hey, I'm somewhat of a "greenie" and I would hate to waste paper.

[Amy]

I must confess as well that I too have always used the labels and have never sent a penny in for a donation for the same reasons as you. This was a great post. You are funny!

[Swirl Girl]

I laughed so hard I used my tears to wet the labels from the Smile Train!

God will forgive you here - I am sure he wonders why those charities mail them out in the first place.

[Swirl Girl]

I laughed so hard I used my tears to wet the labels from the Smile Train!

God will forgive you here - I am sure he wonders why those charities mail them out in the first place.

[She who]

The post is too funny and we all seem to have too many labels.

LMAO about the post and then saw the comment for the potty chart and fell off the chair. OMG, why didn't I think of that years ago?

[Debbie]

Hey, I thought they WERE a gift. I thought that part that has donate here on it ... with space for your name and address was for other people because clearly they already have my name and address - so why wouldn't they just go ahead and fill the form in for me?

Oh ... and count me in the "they always misspell my name" boat ... you know, because DEBBIE is so hard to get right.

[Madness]

Youre fucking hilarious and yes..I should have said "fucking" because how else would one understand JUST HOW hilarious you ARE if I didnt say "fucking". Dont worry, The Holy Father understands, Jesus and God do too!

[La Petite Belle]

hahahaha that's too funny, I give them to my daughter to play with because I have a stamper I use for my return address, but I also don't pay them. I'm sorry but I never asked for it, so it is a gift. REGALO, people!

[Molly]

I mostly get the stickers from organizations that I donated to in the past, but if they're going to use my money to send stickers to people who never asked for them I figure they don't need any more money from me.