Dear Annoying Movie Goers Behind Me

Dear Annoying Movie Goers Behind Me,

Hey assholes - yeah you! The rude mutha fuckas sitting behind me at the movies last night? YOU SUCK. Try swapping slurpy sounding spit in some other dark place or at least have the courtesy to sit a few rows behind everyone else. I mean, shit, there were only six of us - total - in the whole goddamn theater and you had to sit directly behind me? Of course you did! Because you suck!

At first I tried to ignore you, 'cause I remember being all young and hot and bothered in a movie theater... waaaaay back when... once upon a time... but then I saw that neither of you were really that young (at all) and that you had actually lifted up the arm rests on the seats to create a makeshift bed ? of some sorts and I have to say, it was a little... distracting. The giggling and the rubbing? I COULD HEAR YOU ASSHOLES OVER THE MOVIE which, um, hello! says something. 

But when you answered your ringing cell phone mid-movie? I thought I was going to lose!my!shit! Because, seriously? Who the fuck does that? (Apparently you numbnuts are the reason for that idiotic "turn off your cell phone please" chant the theater does before the show begins.) And it's not like you were like "Hello? I'm at the movies, can't talk, gottagobyebyenow." No. Not you. You carried on a goddamn five minute conversation, and then, when you finally hung up, you felt the need to repeat and discuss the entire conversation with your other horny half.

I'd have rather had some pre-teen's M&Ms thrown at my head for an hour and a half.

And by the way, in case I haven't told you already, YOU SUCK.

Hugs & Kisses (wet, sloppy ones with lots of tongue & spit),

UD

:::

Candy Ass and I went to the movies last night to see my new ad (for my photography business... it plays over & over before the movie - like a trailer) which debuted last night. So we had free tickets and went and saw Burn After Reading. It's a dark comedy with quirky plot lines and if it weren't for the fact that Brad Pitt is in it, I'd say I loved it. But he is in it so I can only tell you it was decent.

[The New York Times should really hire me to do movie reviews.]

Anyway, I wanted to rip out my earrings (wasn't wearing any) and go toes (throwdown) with this annoying couple behind us. Instead, I behaved like an adult (goddamn it) and just chewed angrily on my $8 worth of Skittles. (I think I tasted too much of the rainbow, though... my stomach hurt afterward from all that sugar. See what stupid people do to me?!) 

Comments

[tina L]

This is my second attempt I forgot to do the whole security thing.So anyway congrats on your ad for the new business I hope it does well. I have been wanting to see that movie it looks funny.I don't like to go to the movies though cause well what happened to you might happen.I am not a nice person and would wind up getting hubby into a fight.Because I don't know how to keep my yap shut.

With the whole Jen versus Angie I am on the fence with that one I like them both.

[Sprite's Keeper]

Trust me, I am so in Camp Aniston, but I love this movie! And come on! Half way through, you know what happens! That's a score for Aniston!

[Avitable]

When I'm in the movies, if someone were to answer a cellphone and talk on it, I'd either rip it out of their hands or tell them to hang up the phone. And they would listen.

[Jenn in IL]

Holy crap...the rubbing part just made me cringe. I would totally have walked out and informed movie people. Because I don't like confrontation but I sure as hell will rat people out!! :) That's so gross.

But I see on your Twitter that you filmed your ad (yay!! Congrats!!) so you should upload it so all of us can see!!

[autumn dahlia]

Holy crap.... I ALWAYS get THOSE people behind me. I wanna spit in their jujubes.

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

This pair's relative sat behind me at the movie on Saturday! He was disgusting with the loud chewing and drinking, but then he belched several times, and the last time, it was clear to me from the smell that he'd heartil enjoyed his jumbo cup of Coke, and that he had the ability to burp so strongly it caused my hair to flutter.

He capped that off with farting. Several times. I was ready to throwdown! I pay my money and turn into a virtual prisoner in a movie theater - no talking, no moving, no nothing. I expect the same from the other inmates!

[The Guy That Sat Behind You]

A) I'm not that old
B) I was on the phone for two minutes
C) We were only rubbing loudly during the Pitt scenes

[Heather @ Cool Zebras]

Where is the ad? I want to see it too!

I have that kind of luck with rude people too. And I just sit at seethe.

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

Congrats on the AD!!

Okay so we hada similar thing, but IN FRONT of us when the WHOLE FREAKING THEATER was empty and these amazon-tall teens sat in front of us then started texting and OMG!! I am not short and I totally couldn't see. I gave death glares to their MOTHER who should have told them to move and SHUT OFF THIER PHONES.

[Claudia W]

People like that are one of the reasons I don't do theater movies. I wait til they come out on DVD or HBO and watch them at home. At least at home if someone is doing all that stuff (or even some of it) I can deck them!
Other reasons I don't go are cost and crowds...I HATE crowds.

[Kate]

That's why I don't go see anything other that kids' movies. Yah. That's the reason.

[Lo]

bring on the ad! i want to see it!

and this? is why i am a hermit. seriously. fo sho no joke i will only go to matinees of movies that have been playing for over a month. that way? i can pretty much insure it's just me and a few mommies who need some peace and quiet and need to get the hell away from playdates and mcdonalds.

[swirl girl]

If there was indeed only 6 people in the theater - why not confront them?

unless it was Brad Pitt himself, I say - tell them to shut the hell up and get a room.

[Trish]

I hate people like that. But aside from getting an employee to threaten them, there's not a lot you can do. I once tried to deal with a guy who kept answering his cell phone during a movie; the resulting scene was actually more disruptive than just having him keep talking on the damn phone. Ridiculous!

Horny couple macking behind you must have been really annoying. The one I really hate is tone deaf chick who insists on loudly singing along with all the background music!!

Glad you showed restraint and avoided making a scene in the theatre. Next time, though, consider going into the lobby and getting an usher to talk to them. Oddly, the 16-year old pimple faced kid who's working there usually seems to have some clout, and people will toe-the-line after he's spoken with them. I don't know why.

[Backpacking Dad]

Hyper-critical-sounding-note-to-follow: sitting quietly and biting your tongue wasn't the grown up reaction. Adults take responsibility for enforcing the rules they agree to abide by, and that sometimes means standing up and delivering a rebuke to someone who has earned it.

Also, adults switch rows to sit directly behind those fuckers to toss popcorn in their hair and make comments about how "nipply" it seems to be down there.

[DC Urban Dad]

Or you could just come down to their level and compete with them.

[Petra]

ARGH--I effing HATE that! We went to see the same movie a few weeks ago, which I agree was just OK, and there was an effing CHILD behind us (at a 9:20 p.m. showing) playing an effing VIDEO GAME that beeped through the whole effing movie!!

These people should just go die.

[Petunia A.]

I was left wondering why, if there were so many empty seats, you didn't move away from this annoying couple?

Sure, they were rude, but in this case it should be easy to move far away so you could enjoy the movie!

[Jeanette]

I'm very surprised you were an adult about it, I would have said something!