Or, I'm in a heap of trouble!
It's a real bitch when you venture out to go Black Friday shopping only to come home and be met at the door by your husband who says the credit card company called to verify "unusual charges and activity."
Especially when you were told to spend cash.
I woke up at the ass crack of dawn for a morning of bat shit crazy Black Friday shopping. Normally, I'm all for sleeping in and ordering gifts online from the safety of my home and the comfort of my pj's, but this year, I felt like I needed a little bit of adventure. Who knew the adventure would start in the Target parking lot and come to a screeching halt at my front door.
To tell you I took off in mad dash run when I got through those Target doors would be to paint a picture you could laugh at FOR DAYS. The sweet Target employee at the door was handing out maps of the store and while others grabbed a cart and oh, I don't know, walked (albeit briskly) to their destination, I cut through the purses, right through the bras and underwear, cut over to the toddler clothes and straight through the diapers section. EAT YOUR HEART OUT BITCHES.
Now here's the thing. I came for a few items that were most definitely not the Must Have Items, but when the diaper aisle ended abruptly and I was confronted by THE MOST AMAZING DEAL EVER on flat screen TVs and there were still some left (idiots walked... I RAN, baby), I had to grab two. Because I was allowed two. Two per customer. No, I didn't need or come for flat screen TVs, but dude! I got two! I sooo win!
Forget the fact that I had never grabbed a cart, but little ol' me grabbed two big boxes-o-TV and ran. Why I decided to take off in a sprint (OK fine - a pathetic jog) I don't know, since really, I had already gotten the TVs and had no idea where I was going next...
Oh. And did I mention I videotaped it?
[I attempted to shoot some video of my adventures in Black Friday shopping with a little point-and-shoot camera that does mpegs, so the quality sucks but you'll get the idea.]
When I took my mom back to her house, Wild Bill begged to come along with me home, just to see Candy Ass' face when I told him what I had bought. (He had thought I was going to get a couple DVD players and nothing else, so ya know, there was going to be
a bit of a two surprises in my trunk.)
I should have brought Wild Bill with me. To run defense.
Before my key turned in the lock of my front door, Candy Ass opened it for me and didn't mince words. "Did you use your credit card this morning? Because the credit card company called to report 'unusual charges and activity' on your account."
"I thought I gave you cash to use. What did you buy?"
"Um. Do you want to go outside? Where there are people?"
"No. I want you to answer the question. WHAT DID YOU BUY?"
"See, babe, here's the thing..."
"I bought YOU something honey. I sure hope you like it... 'cause if you didn't, well, that would just make you ungrateful, wouldn't it?"
"But honey, it was a FANTASTIC deal. And it's a gift to you. I thought you'd like it. And the doors opened and I just started running and the adrenaline! and oh my god! they were still there! and did I mention what a GREAT DEAL the TVs were??"
"I appreciate the thought, but you're taking them back."
I called my mom. She answered the phone with, "I'll leave a key out for you." Wild Bill, who just 10 minutes earlier wanted to pop some popcorn and come along for the show, only said, "Fucking credit card company!"
So yeah. Now? I'm pretty much banned from Black Friday shopping. At least until I can learn to control my excitement and make wise "adult" decisions when making purchases. This apparently also includes auctions where in the past, I've become a bidder (and won!) totally ridiculous items (such as an apron... I know. Like I'd ever use one of those.) just because I play to win.
Aw well. At least I learned a few things from my Adventures in Black Friday Shopping:
1. Adrenaline and caffeine make for a very costly experience
2. I am way out of shape.
3. It pays to know your Target's floorplan.
4. I have a little issue with practicing self control.
5. Just because I'm allowed to buy two of something doesn't mean I need two of something. Or, see #4.
6. I need to choose a credit card company that doesn't rat me out before I make it home. BITCHES.
7. There is no good way to tell my husband I just bought two TVs.
8. Even if he's in a compromising position. JUST JOKING MOM!!
9. Returning the BEST! DEAL! EVER! the day after Black Friday shopping can make you feel like an idiot. After all, did you see me run for that bad boy? All that energy and... my excitement was flat lined by Candy Ass.
10. Politeness never makes you a winner on Black Friday. Just sayin'.