Fake tanning is bad for your health

One of my biggest plausible fears is getting trapped inside a tanning bed. By plausible, I mean it is entirely possible, especially given my recent streak [<---- HAR HAR HAR] of bad luck with fake tanning. In the last three weeks, I've managed two severely botched mystic spray tans, four unsuccesful regular ol' make your dermatologist-cringe lightbulb style tans (and some unsightly peeling/flaking/shedding of those spray tans I first mentioned) as well as a mysterious neck injury which is pretty hard to explain when all you do is lie there on the bed and have your flesh burned by florescent lighting. Yet here I am, three weeks into June, looking like a faded version of my husband's Mossy Oak Break-Up camoflauge, still unable to attempt a pair of capris, nevermind a tanktop.

But I am not a quitter.

So I switched tanning salons today. Clearly this is one of those it's not me, it's you situations and I'll be damned if I don't remedy the uneven pigment and transform my streaky orangishness into a real-but-fake looking glamourous but believable glow before my Victoria's Secret bathing suit arrives in the mail.

[This Victoria's Secret bathing suit, by the way, contains the word 'miracle' in its name and if it does not perform as promised, so help me and every other back-fat sportin', saggy-boobed baby havin' woman in the 48 continuous United States who ordered one of these muthafuckas, there will be hell to pay and it will not be pretty. Which Victoria's Secret should know given that we were shopping for 'miracles' to begin with.]

I walked into the new tanning salon this morning with high hopes and cash, thinking high hopes rarely get me anything more than disappointment but cash always gets me what I want, so I forked over NOTHING for the special offer of trying the Super! Fabulous! Orbit! (?) (!) (*) (?) Bed! that is so fantabulous that while those other beds require 15 minutes and leave me... like I came, THIS BED! only requires 6 minutes of my precious time and I will immediately! notice a difference.

Sold! says the girl who, based on her history of failed spray tans clearly falls prey to the idea of instant gratification. BUT. But. How about I go in for 8 minutes? Because I'm pretty sure my last three weeks of tanning qualifies me as having some sort of invisible-but-there-somewhere base tan so I'm pretty certain I can go for a whole 8 minutes and do just fine.

Well, I certainly saw immediate results. The guy was right about that. Unfortunately, he was also right about me only needing 6 minutes in the Super! Fabulous! Orbit! Bed! because the results were: magenta. It's like that bright, raw fleshy pink color that instantly appears when you have your eyebrows waxed. TENDER. It hurts to wear a bra, people. I think I even burned my palms. HOW DO YOU BURN YOUR PALMS?

Worse, why did I buy a package of 8 more tans after? After all, '8' does not appear to be a good number for me. And clearly, this fake tanning business is not good for my health since it is obviously not one of the *many* things I'm good at. Like... Like... (I'll have to list those things later when I think of them. I'm sure there are waaaay too many things to list here anyway. Yeah.) But for now, I'm just going to try really hard to not get stuck in one of those tanning beds. They're pretty tricky.

Comments

[Redneck Mommy]

You have just reaffirmed my decision to remain lily white.

I like white.

I like being able to glow in the dark.

I call it alabaster.

So thanks Sweets, for the public service announcement. And um, ouch.

[Account Deleted]

Artificial tanning certainly does seem to be hazardous to your health!

You know in Chinese Numberology, 4 is the number of death. Four times two is eight... Just sayin'

If you're going back for the eight... FOR GOD SAKE DON'T THE LOTION!!

[La Petite Belle]

what level tanning bed was it? I tan 2x week in a level 2.

[rachel-asouthernfairytale]

OUCH.

I am rather satisfied with my white be-freckled skin ;-) Thanks for the PSA on tanning beds.

Bless you heart!!! OWIE

[MG @ MommyGeekology]

Oh geez. That is just tragic. Sorry! Hope your skin heals soon :)

Maybe you should switch to one of those lotions with self tanner in it? I hear the one by Vaseline is awesome.

[Kerrie]

My mother tried to convince me once that tanning beds cooks your ovaries....I don't think that's true. But still not good for you...But it's got me thinking I don't have to time to tan - maybe I'll hit one this weekend. I don't need my ovaries anymore.

[NibbletsMommy]

I'm going to have to go with Tanis on this one. I'm even happier, after reading this post, to remain so pale that you can almost see through me.

[Mrs. Priss]

I am not even kidding you, this same EXACT thing happened to me 2 weeks ago! I thought, "6 minutes? Pshh, I'm already tan... throw me in for 8" and I was WRONG. Good God, was I wrong. I stayed on 6 for a good week before I was brave enough to move up, haha.

Ahhh, summer.

[Meg]

I'm perfectly ok with my sorta tan, SPF 30 wearing body. And even if I wasn't, that's for the Public Service Announcement 'cause I'm not attempting this fake tanning EVER.

[chasity]

I have been pasty for years. This year for the first time ever, I bought season pool passes for myself & my boys. I was soooooo excited about having my first good tan since I was fifteen, but low and behold, it has rained every. Day. Since my purchase. I am beginning to believe my destiny is to remain pasty. I was thinking tanning bed, but after reading your adventures, I'm really not thinking so. Ouch.

[DCUrbanDad]

My favorite episode of Friends is when Ross does the Mystic tan and ends up and 8. I will admit that I have spray tanned before.

[Andrea's Sweet Life]

Are you telling me I'm not supposed to be flashing my casper legs around all summer?

[Vixen]

Don't you wish you could have those two minutes back? Do over?

Seriously, how do you burn your palms? Inquiring minds need to know.

[Karen]

Yes, a professional up to date tanning salon is the way to go. Make sure they are smart tan trained (the employees), and clean thoroughly...look behind the beds to see how well they clean. There will be some dirt or dust because fans blow hard and constantly all day from the tanning beds, but there should not be a lot.
http://www.tanning-advisor.com/tanning-beds.html

[Claire in CA, USA]

This post is simply not complete without a picture. Just sayin'...

[Jason]

OMG, this just happened to Sponge Bob the other day. He got stuck in a tanning bed and got sooo overtanned that he actually became totally sunbleached, which apparently, is the ultimate tan, according to tan enthusiasts.

And as for you? Magenta is a nice color.

[Dawn in Austin]

I have learned, the hard way, when they suggest 6 minutes...I go for 6 minutes. I like to think they're a little more knowledgeable about the beds than I am. Even if they are all like 13 years old.

[Maternal Mirth]

I am a tanning professional. Seriously... for a long time I was tanorexic. I have TRIED to give tanning advice to people who have complained they "can't tan", but everyone is different and while some people can tan, some people are meant to remain a shade lighter than Elmer's glue.

Also, my legs fall into that catagory. Upper body, arms, chest stomach = a gorgeous golden tan. Legs = elmer's glue.

[Grey]

Thank you for reminding me why I won't be trying for a tan again this summer. I don't understand, I have the whitest damn legs in eastern NC, but no matter how much time I spend in the sun, they remain bedsheet white...and every fake tanner I've used leaves me...well, like I smeared fake blood all over.

I'm gonna have to go with being white.

[Julie D.]

Yea, I think I finally perfected the light bulb tan after several years...

I went yesterday and got the perfect 10 minutes. I go every couple of days..

My membership expires on July 1st though..

Don't be jealous of my So. Cal June Gloom Light Bulb Tan at BlogHer, mmmkay...

[ali]

yes
yes
THIS is why I am pasty.
pasty pasty pasty.