Letting go

Of the many things I'm not good at, letting go is one the foremost difficult for me. Whether it's something as trivial as getting rid of baby clothes I no longer have a use for or experiencing the passing of a child I was lucky to have barely known, I cannot let go. These things haunt me and follow me and torment me to the point of teetering between sadness, sympathy and grief and obsession, total mind consumption and devastation.

As I see my first born suddenly mature and become not a little boy but a little man, it's an unwelcome reminder that slowly, there are pieces of his childhood that I am already having to let go of. Pieces of his babyhood that I don't want to let go of.

In January, E-man turned six. Six! He was absolutely ecstatic about this to the point you would think it would earn him a provisional license and rights to sips of beer. I reasoned with him that sure, he could turn six but that was it. He is absolutely not allowed to turn seven. Because seven? Oh my god! I cannot own a seven year old! He laughed at me, like gee mom, you're so dumb, and said to me in a very matter-of-fact tone usually reserved for adults warning children of grown-up things:  "Of course I'm going to turn seven, mom. That's what comes after six. Duh."

"But I don't want you to grow up." I told him whined. Sure, laying a guilt trip on a six year old is probably not the best or most practical anti-aging technique, but it was worth a shot. "I want you to stay my little boy forever."

He looked at me, rolled his eyes and walked away. This is when I knew for certain, he was most definitely growing up.

Two weeks later we were driving in the car and he called to me from the back seat, his voice upset. He had been quiet for most of the car ride, clearly lost in thought like he usually is and I was curious what was bothering him. 

"What's up, dude? What's wrong?"

"Mom, I've been trying reeeeally hard to not grow up, but I think I am anyway. I don't think I can help it." He was upset.

Sigh. Had he really, for the past two weeks, been stressing over my request to stay a little boy? My heart melted.

This past weekend, my now six-and-a-half year old told my husband and I we needed to take the training wheels off his bike. Usually, he's the kid who is a little more anxious about trying new things, not so certain about taking new risks and doesn't like to get hurt. But here he was, telling us it was time to take off the training wheels.

Before I knew it, he and his dad were taking off the training wheels and discussing how to ride his big boy bike. Then suddenly they were steadying him on his bike. I watched nervously as my first born wobbled and fell, stood back up, swerved and steadied himself, mostly with the help of his dad.

And as I watched I realized that this was the single greatest metaphor for parenting - at some point we are going to have to let go. Like it or not.

Comments

[PrincessJenn]

That's it. I'm never letting V ride a bike. Maybe then I can keep her a baby forever. This growing up thing sucks.

[pamela]

I dont know what it's like 'owning' a six and a half year old but I do have a two year old free spirited (and very independent) two year old who refuses to be fed. She wants to do everything from putting her sandals on to putting her dress on. Sometimes I sit and look at her in awe because of what she's accomplished (with my help of course) and I cry not only because it makes me sad that shes growing but also because she has learned many things from me and people around her making her more independent. Sounds like you did a great job with your 'not so little anymore' 6 year old!

[badassdadblog]

That is quite a milestone. For metaphors, though, I prefer curling. You know, the one with the big smooth stone and dudes with brooms on ice? You set the thing going and then sweep madly in front of it trying to guide it along a safe path. But you never get to touch it, and ultimately that rock's gonna go where it's gonna go.

[Miss]

No matter what happens, all 3 of those little dudes will ALWAYS be your little boys. I cried when my son learned how to ride a two wheeler so I feel you here.

[ali (adil320)]

I don't want to think about it but my older son turns 2 a few weeks, and I'm really seeing him become a little boy.

I'm SO looking forward to watching him grow into a man, but I'm dreading not having my small handed, soft cheeked little man by my side.

This is a beautiful post.

[AMomTwoBoys]

Le sigh. Gah.

[la petite belle]

you made me cry. at work.

[Momo Fali]

For real, it sucks. I can't say it's not wonderful to watch them grow and mature, but it is so damn hard too.

[Theresa]

I lament this fact every day. In a year, my eldest will be off to college. Not sure how I'll do.

[Crystal]

Luckily, my 5 year old is still afraid of his bike. I'm sure that won't last for much longer.

[Courtney]

What a milestone! It must be hard!

[Suzy Voices]

Mine will be seven in one month. This can't be happening!

[mechelle]

my oldest will be 11 in july and all i can say is Thank godd the baby factory is shut down . cuase i am driven my some crazy caveman hormones to have a baby.and i have 3!!

[Jolene]

Beautiful. Thank you.

[Evelyn]

I think letting go is the most difficult lesson a parent has to learn, but the most important one for our kids to grow up strong and independent. Good luck with that ... I still struggle, and it's only been 26 YEARS! lol

[MG @ MommyGeekology.com]

This made me cry, but in a good way.

[Lex ~ @laprimera]

I'm so sorry to tell you that my 6 year old did in fact turn 7 this past February. And she talks as though she is 17. *sniff*

Also? Candy Ass is a hottie! :D

[Kate]

My oldest will be 7 in August and I am *SO* not ready for it.

Bittersweet. That's what this parenting gig is.

[Jaime]

I love the picture and comment! It brings a tear to my eye and I don't even have kids! Nice job UD!

[Chantel]

waaaah!! I feel your pain. My son will be 11 next month. I remember when the moment he was born. Now he's almost as tall as me! Don't even get me started on my daughter. She's 6 too. Confession: I haven't taught her how to tie her shoes. I don't want her to learn. Then she'll still need me for something. *le sigh* is right on.

[Ginger]

I've been having a hard time that my three year old is going on field trips with ehr day care. On the bus! Without seat belts! Carrying a lunchbox!!!

Arrrgggghhhh.

[R]

I feel ya: I may or may not of told my (much) younger sister on her 4th birthday: "Don't grow anymore or you won't be cute". She still remembers this. 20 years later.