Things you should know about me

Lately, I've been fortunate to get to meet some of the people whose blogs I read or with who I twitter back and forth with at various local blogger meet-ups. Come July, if I am doped up enough to get on an airplane if someone drags me onto the airplane, I will get to meet hundreds of other bloggers and tweeters at Blogher in Chicago. This, of course, excites me where excite = terrifies the mother loving shit out of me. Because really? Yes, I'm super awesome and cool on my blog. DUH. But what if, in real life, all these people think I'm just a nerd?

So to lessen my anxiety, I'm just gonna put it all out there right here and now. I'm going to confess some of my darkest, deepest, most awkward secrets so that when it comes time for you or I to meet (either at Blogher or in some dark alley somewhere) you'll know what to expect. There won't be any weird expectations or let-downs because I will have already revealed myself to you. (Well, not revealed, revealed myself to you. THAT I'm saving for Blogher. WINK.) 

{Deep breath} Here it goes:

• I don't know how to ride a bike

• I'm not nearly as tough as I claim to be

• I don't find humor in bodily functions. This is why I was blessed with 3 boys.

• I'm naturally blonde

• I don't have two turntables or a microphone

• I often say too much and frequently don't say enough

• I can't remember anyone's name. As soon as you say it, I forget it.

• I can't touch a whole raw chicken without crying

• I'm very short but pack a mean punch. (Also? See bullet #2)

• My personal anthem is Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa"

• I do not like sweets

• I hate having my photograph taken

• I know I can't sing

• But I am convinced I can dance

• I can name every capital of any U.S. state

• I can fake-clean a bathroom counter by using Windex wipes

• I am stubborn as a mule but Patron makes me very negotiable

• I will not pee outdoors

• The Bloodhound Gang speaks to me on spiritual levels

• I find absolute joy in making people blush

• On my wish list: Word-of-the-day toilet paper

As long as we're putting it all out there... what should I know about you?

Comments

[Marinka]

I thought that I was the only one who didn't know how to ride a bike.

[EarnestGirl]

Word of the day toilet paper??? Brilliant!

Have a fabulous trip. & try not to worry: I'm sure they will have name tags. And no raw chicken.

[mariah]

I'm a pro at a bike, but I suck at cleaning bathrooms. Whole naked un-cooked chicked creeps me out too

[AMomTwoBoys]

WAIT. Using Clorox wipes is FAKE cleaning?!

Shit.

[Lynette]

Hmm..yeah. I have a freakish fear of tall (6'3+) people. Like, I don't want to stand in the same room and/or will often try to escape if they are anywhere in my immediate area.

Sigh...I cause endless amusement with that quirk. But lucky for me you're short ;)

[Adrienne]

What you need to know about me?

How about I am horribly shy but whence you get to know me, I can become horribly obnoxious.

[Tina@SendChocolate]

I am going to do this same thing. I will link to you and have it up sometime tomorrow.

T.

[Miss]

Since I have met you, I know some of this to be true. I ALSO know that you ARE as awesome in real life as you are here on your blog.

I promise I wont pull your hair... when I drag you on the plane anyways. :P

Oh and no bike riding in Chicago ok? ;-)

[Redneck Mommy]

I have Spock ears.

Poodles scare me.

I can't sing, dance or shake it.

But it won't stop me from trying.

And you are freakishly short.

But so pretty.

[Avitable]

I am actually very quiet in person.

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

I'm really a dude.

;)

[Al_Pal]

I like this post. Very much. ;)

I love dancing. ;)

[Duchess]

I think we could be friends, you had me at Bloodhound Gang.

[themagger]

So glad to know that I'm not the only who doesn't how to ride a bike! Like Adrienne said I'm very shy when I first meet people then once I get to know you can't get me to shut up! Bathroom books magazines any bathroom reading material freaks me out to know end. My ears are way to small for my head or maybe my head is to big for my ears....

[Linda]

Damn! I have been fake cleaning for years!

[Ginny]

I don't know that you actually need to know anything about me since I don't have a blog and live so far away from you it's highly unlikely we'll ever cross paths in real life. However, I'll give you a few of my quirks anyway:

1. I cannot stand water on my face. Swimming? Not fun. In the shower I'm reaching for a towel to wipe the water off my face before I've ever turned the faucet off.

2. I was raised in Louisiana and like my food HOT. It takes multiple spoons full of cayenne pepper on my individual serving before I can taste even a little heat, and my East Coast friends look on in horror when I start adding the spices.

3. I'm from a family full of alcoholics, and feel panicky when people get drunk around me. However, I do enjoy drinking--just not a lot and not at big parties where it's more likely to get out of hand.

4. I'm extremely introverted and suck at small talk, because ultimately I don't really care where Mr. or Ms. X grew up, went to school, or likes to vacation. I'm dorky enough to keep a book in my purse on the rare occasion I find myself at a party, just in case I need to hide in the bathroom to get away from the small talk.

5. I'm finishing a doctorate degree that I didn't particularly want when I started and I still don't care about here at the end.

6. I am super hyper about being on time to things, but don't mind when other people are a little late.

7. I LOVE scarves, which is really silly for a southerner. I have 64 winter scarves and not even that many days of cold per winter season.

8. I am TERRIFIED of cockroaches. They're big, they run fast and they won't die--3 very bad qualities in a bug. I won't even pick up their dead bodies because the little bastards have tricked me more than once by playing dead.

9. I cannot stand those obnoxious Hillshire Farm "GO MEAT!" commercials. They make me want to put a bullet in my television.

10. I've been to China twice and Europe once on tour with a musical group I played in.

[Meg]

Wait...there are people out there who don't want Word of the Day toilet paper?!? Why ever not?

[Courtney]

Well according to your list I fake clean with clorox wipes too often! DAMN I was hoping I was being domestic!!
One thing about me is I can't stand to hear people scratch at dry skin...drives me nuts!

[Maya]

I forget everyone's names too!!!

BTW you are a super cool chick- and I can say this bec you supplied me with drugs (xanex, that is.. ahem)

[Heather]

Well, I'm not going to BlogHer so I guess I can keep my secrets for a while.

Oh fine...I can't remember people's names either. In fact, who are you again?

[Talon]

* When I love, it is unconditional. Completely and utterly.

* I hold grudges. I am quick to forgive, with intentions in mind, but thoughtlessness is unforgivable. Thus, I still hold a grudge with my dead grandparents. I love them dearly, but I'm still pissed about that joint Nintendo gift years and years ago, since I never wanted a fucking nintendo to begin with!!!

* I am polyamorus. I have two spouses, and two lovers. In May one of my lovers came to visit and slept in the bed with me and my husband. (Who is not poly, but has an open invitation with this particular lover, when he's comfortable with it.)

* I'm not modest when I know I'm really good at something. I can't fake modesty.

* I am autistic. I have high functioning Aspergers Syndrome, diagnosed only four years ago. It made my life make a whole lot of sense.

* I have to be told things directly. I often miss subtle nuances or social cues when interacting with people, and online as well. Therefore, I have a policy in my journal and circle of friends that if you need me to know or acknowledge or something I've done has hurt you, you have to TELL ME DIRECTLY. Preferably before I say or do something that hurts you, out of my own ignorance.

* My first child died when he was four days old. He had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and no one caught it. Not during my pregnancy, not after his birth, not until his autopsy. He went home, but died in the PICU as we ended up bringing him back to the ER.

* I believe in my ability to see, hear and experience things other people cannot.

* Other people believe it too, and have deemed me "spooky," after seeing me in action.

* I am a butch, bi-sexual, gender neutral, polyamorus, kinky, sexually fluid androgynous birl. Enough labels for you?

* I live daily with an incurable auto-immune disease (I have two actually, but the polycystic ovaries don't bug me much) which causes me a great deal of pain, fatigue and general discomfort. I have not had an extended remission from it since I had surgery to correct a complication from it in 2006.

* I believe basketball is a full contact sport.

* I once scarred a freshman for life when we were playing a pick-up game of basketball after an indoor track practice. No. Seriously. He has a scar on his chin. That I gave him.

* Despite being fat, I actually AM "big boned" according to my orthopedist who informed me of this while I was in High School. He didn't actually say "big." He said, exceptionally large, huge, and that yes, according to my frame and his exam, my weight then that fluctuated between 190 and 200 was my ideal weight.

* I believe fat politics are important.

* I do my best not to judge people.

* I am highly intimidating, intelligent, out-spoken, well educated and informed, steadfast in my opinions, but able to see the other side, and at the same time, I am incredibly shy. Yeah. Figure THAT out. I'm still trying.

* I play a jillion different instruments, and none of them cool ones.

* Once I start talking, you're hard pressed to shut me up.

[Amo]

When people talk with a lisp, I suck all the spit out of my mouth until I can barely speak.

I don't ever want to have a real job and have my kids convinced that I'm retired.

I have practically no inhibitions and will tell you anything and everything about me if asked.

I am trying to loose a little weight before blogher but am secretly terrified that my boobs will become completely obnoxious if I do.

If you stare at my chest when we meet, I'll know you read this. ;)

[DCUrbanDad]

If I am ever out on the West Side I will need to meet you cuz you are a badass. That is the 2nd person I know who can't ride a bike.

- I love cheasy chick flix, cuz I really am a girl

- I am obsessed with my Dyson.

- I used to work in retail. I still wish I had a tshirt folding board. Those rocked.

- I am the slowest reader on the face of the planet.

- I am obsessed with Roger Federer and want to play tennis with him. He does not want to play with me.

- I love the smell of mulch.

- I stare at people on the Metro. I probably should stop.

- I hate to fly too (I get air sick, I have thrown up twice)

[Anonymous]

* You know how when your kid goes to school and all the moms are supposed to make nice? That shit makes me want to die. Because I am absolutely convinced that they are way more "mommish" than me. Which is both a good and bad thing and, either way, nothing I want to have anything to do with.

* I like the smell of skunks.

* I like to drink with my friends (many times too much), and I'm afraid that they won't like me if I stop drinking with them.

* Because drinking makes me feel more like the person I think I'm supposed to be. Plus when I drink until I feel pretty I don't have to worry about all of my insecurities. At least until the next day.

* I can't stand to sleep with colored socks on.

* I have no willpower. None.

* I'm a teacher and everyone thinks I'm great at it. I think I suck.

* I hate breakfast foods. Pancakes, french toast, waffles, cereal...HATE.

* But I love eating leftovers for breakfast. My favorite? Anything like au gratin potatoes.

* My town recently made smoking indoors anywhere illegal. I don't smoke, but I really miss the smell of cigarettes in a bar.

[Issa]

You don't like sweets? FOr some reason that always freaks me out about people. I may do this type of a post myself, because I love it. The comments are just as great as yours.

Here's a few of mine though, cause I'll be there too.

1. I an be much more social that I really am, because I am good at pretending.

2. I rarely drink anything but wine and normally only a glass, despite what I say on Twitter.

3. I despise shoes and will likely walk around the hotel barefoot. Including the public bathrooms, cause I just don't care.

4. My phone is my security blankie.

5. I can sing any song if I've heard it once, and I have a decent voice, but I'd have to be falling down drunk to sing kareoke.