I left my fagina at the Married with Children fountain in Chicago. But it was worth it.

Not that long ago I confided in you (and the rest of the internet) ('cause we're close and exclusive like that) a few of the items on my Bucket List. Of course while most people's Bucket Lists consist of important things like seeing the 7 wonders of the world (how Starbucks isn't one of them, I will never know) my list was a bit more... me. 

With Blogher being in Chicago, it was practically fate that I would have the opportunity to check-off one of my most important Bucket List items: jumping in the Married with Children fountain.*

But as we drove past the fountain on our way to the hotel, my mouth dropped open in complete disbelief. That fountain? The one in the opening credits of "Married with Children?" is HUGE. Way bigger than I ever imagined.

Pfft. Whatever. I was determined.

Saturday rolled around and I found myself faced with a now or never state of mind. Did I risk death via aeroplane and come ALL THIS WAY to be half a mile from the fountain and not cross it off my list? Hell-to-the-no I did not. So I roped two of the best partners-in-crime a gal could ever coerce and off we went.

Here's the thing. Turns out, the city of Chicago doesn't actually want you to get in the fountain. Which is why they put a small (but totally fiesty) fence around the motherfucker. Also, it may also be the reason there are ample Chicago police officers on bikes circling the thing. Two of whom must have seen the sparkle in my eye and immediately stopped me to ask if I might have a question for them.

"Um, yes actually!" I started.

(Foot in mouth. I'm a victim of it.)

Then I realized me asking them whether I was about to be arrested or *only* ticketed was essentially telling them to PLEASE STICK AROUND, I'm about to help you meet your monthly crime stopping quotas.

So I quickly said, "Actually, you know what? No. No question. But thanks!"

And off they rode. 

The Plan was perfectly strategized on our walk from the hotel to the fountain. I'd hand off the cameras (one for still photos, one for video and a cell phone to TwitPic - because we're fucking courteous like that) before I made a go of it. I'd also hand over my shoes and purse and then make like Nike and just do it.

I can't say I wasn't nervous. Who knew there'd be so many got-damn tourists there to admire the fountain? And the fence? Sure, it was only 3 feet high, but that's like 3/5 of me and it was all bendy and rod-irony and made to look pretty but also to keep people out. And then there were those two police officers who I was certain went to hide behind a tree because they were onto me.

And then the adrenaline kicked in like, you know what? I'M GOING TO DO THIS because this is what I came to do and I've got like three people offering to bail me out of jail (none of which was my husband, by the way) and an attorney on stand-by.

Cameras were handed off, purse was dropped and shoes abandoned and I went for it. As I made it over the bendy rod-irony fence like a fucking Olympian doing hurdles (I know, I surprised myself too) and ran through the soft grass toward the curb to the water - TO THE FOUNTAIN! - I heard the gasps of tourists who must have thought This crazy bitch is going to baptize or drown herself and Oh honey, get the camera! We might become viral stars on that thing called the internet or at least win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home videos if she fucks up.

(And yes, I was really thinking this on my two second jaunt from the fence to the fountain.)

I made it.

I stayed only long enough to ensure some photographic evidence and quickly jogged back to the bendy rod-irony fence which was apparently designed not-so-much to keep people out of the fountain area but to not let them escape back out. I kinda got stuck. Like halfway over it. And I swear to god, if you ever visit the Married with Children fountain in Chicago, please look closely and see if you can find the other half of my fagina because I'm pretty certain I left it on that fence. Maybe you could even mail it back to me? I'd be forever grateful.

But you know what? There were no arrests, no tickets, plenty of photos and just the sweet smell of victory and recycled fountain water soaking my jeans and I've officially crossed that shit off my Bucket List. 

*bows*
(Actually, if I'm being honest this photo may look like a victory dance but really, it's just me tripping over the fence trying to regain my footing. But let's pretend it's the former, OK? You won't tell anyone, right?)

Love and Marriage from Undomestic Diva on Vimeo.

Even funnier? Upon returning to the hotel, my pants still soaking wet with Love and Marriage water, someone told me they announced that Blogher10 will be in New York. I do believe one of the other items on my Bucket List included getting lost in Times Square with a camera.

GAME ON, BITCHES.   

 ***

*Yes. I realize it's not actually called the Married with Children fountain. It's the Buckingham Fountain. Which, if you ask me (and you didn't) that's sorta... eh as far as names go for a fountain so spectacular. So, bite me. 

Also, I did not get further into the fountain because, surprisingly, the fucker is DEEP. I wanted to get in, not go swimming. So. There you have it.

Comments

[Maria]

Ahhh, I miss you so. I'm glad you made it into the fountain. :)

[Mandi @AWelbaum]

Oh my god this post has my cracking up. I freaking love you and this is the only post I've read. And now the theme song is stuck in my head.

[Jessi]

I said it on twitter but you are my hero! :)

[perksofbeingme]

I want to get lost in New York with a camera. Let's go together. Ohhh, we should go up a day early to just get lost and take pictures.

[Overflowing Brain (Katie)]

Bring it on New York. Bring. It.

Could it be like, get lost in Times Square, naked, with a camera? Because getting lost is just so dull. It's almost legal even. And how is that going to be exciting?

Of course, you'd have to be the naked one. I will be fully clothed. And Heather has requested to be present. Maybe she'll be naked with you.

[Undomestic Diva]

@Overflowing Brain (Katie):

We've got a year to come up with something jail-worthy. I'm game. (But trust me, no one wants to see me nekkid.)

[Heather]

I think I love you.

[Lex ~ @laprimera]

you are by far the coolest person I know! loves you so much!

[Jenn]

Awesome.... though I just have to point out, the original bucket list does indeed say that you intended to swim in the fountain.

But who am I to talk? I'd have never made it over the fence... probably still would have been dangling there when those nice police officers came back.

[Dawn in Austin]

Hurray for you! You're way more daring than me, that's for sure. I'll just live vicariously through you, k?

[Donna in VA]

I have to admit that I didn't know where the title of this post was going to take us. . . cuz there's no shocking us anymore. But this was really funny.
So glad you took the chance and crossed it off your list. And I say. . . that DOES look like a victory dance. Ssshhh. We'd have never known the difference.

[becky]

LOL you are awesome.

[Momo Fali]

I love that last picture of you. That's how I felt like I was walking all weekend.

[DCUrbanDad]

You are a bad ass. Except now that song is stuck in my head.

[Jenn in IL]

That last picture is awesome and definitely looks like a victory dance. Don't tell us otherwise!

[Meg]

that's awesome. You kick ass! And getting lost in Times Square with a camera is suprisingly easy. Good luck with that next year.

[Grey]

Let me join the chorus of "Awesome!" I admire your dedication and willingness to skirt the law (or at least a three foot fence).

[Miss]

OH WOW. The video is just hysterical. You're insane but its why I love you! I'm in for the bucket list next year, I'm not missing it again!

[Courtney]

Thats too funny! Congrats on crossing that one off the list!

[rachel-asouthernfairytale]

ha ha ha ha ha

Just adding this to the loooooong list of why I love you.

[Claudia W]

All I can say is ... WAY. TO. GO.

[Avitable]

Damn - I would have loved to have seen that!

[kandis]

awesome and fucking hilarious

[Creepy Mommy]

Congrats, girl. That's awesome!

[Suzy Voices]

I love it! Congrats on crossing one off! That last pic of you is priceless!

[Lynette]

Okay, now I'm really going to have to go to BlogHer '10. I'm an excellent get loster AND I'm going to have to make me up a bucket list that includes things to do in NYC.

I don't even HAVE a bucket list. WTF is that about?!

[Kat]

Just don't lose the other half of your fagina in Times Square. It would be sad to be fagina-less.

[BusyDad]

Ballsiest thing ever. You can always use the stress ball swag we gave out at the panel to replace your missing parts.

[EmmieJ]

ROFLMAO. Glad to have been there to see it first hand. The pics and video are awesome (if I do say so myself). ;)

[mommymae]

i don't take gud pikturs of things, so maybe you can help me out there in times square.

glad you checked this one off.

[nic @mybottlesup]

should you spontaneously grow a new fagina, i plan on losing mine somewhere with your's next year in nyc beeeotch!!!!

[Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas]

I nearly peed my pants watching this unfold on Twitter. You're a bucketful of awesome.

[Andrea's Sweet Life]

It's ok, you didn't really need that fagina, anyway, did you? I mean, hubs wasn't even willing to bail you out of jail, so I'd say that's HIS punishment.

xoxo

[Evelyn]

WAY TO GO! I think you are officially my NEW HERO!

[Red Lotus Mama]

I so wish I had been there instead of driving by in a taxi. You are the kewlest! Miss you!

[Tina]

You. have. balls. of. steel, all right!

Amazing. So glad to know you, woman!

[Maura]

I'm so glad you went out there and did it! I still love the last picture the best of all of them, tripping or not. You rock, my friend.

[Karl]

Holy shit, that is freaking amazing. You rock. And I had no idea what a great writer you are since this is kinda like the first time I've looked at your blog. BlogHer is messing with ALL my fucking habits! #guiltyconfessions

[Al_Pal]

SO awesome! Love the victory dance! :P

[Maria]

OMFG I love this post. And you.

[Kate]

Right ON. I totally would have done it with you and it's not even on my List! Way to go, you crazy broad! LOL

[Apryl's Antics]

Seriously, you may have lost your fagina, but you still have your balls. Booyah!

[charlotte]

AMAZING!

New Year's Eve on New York's Times Square was on my bucket list. Crossed off due to TBIK's googly-eyed love-blindness on December 31, 2007. YAY!

Seriously, New York ROCKS. If BlogHer's there next year, I'll be there, too.

[Karly]

This is my first time to your blog and yeah, I think I love you.

[corrin]

That's awesome. I'm too much of a good citizen to jump in Buckingham fountain, but I can see the appeal. Nice meeting you at Blogher!

[Issa]

OMG I luff you. Truly.

I kept saying to people, did you see the married with children fountain and they all looked at me like I was crazy. I saw it, didn't go back to it, but I'm glad I at least saw it.

[melissa]

that video right there, is some funny shit.

Here Here to big balls. You got em!

[Elisa]

I spoke to you for 5 minutes total, but somehow I wasn't surprised at all when I saw you all dripping wet in the lobby and you said you jumped in the fountain. Which just makes me feel like I should have made an effort to hang out with you because you are clearly really fun :-)

Maybe I should fly to wherever you live next year so I can join you and the others on the party plane to NYC for BlogHer'10!

[Elisa]

and now I sounds creepy. I guess my works here is done.

[Ronda]

Awesome story! And the pictures are all great! So glad you didn't get caught, I was nervous for you just reading it!

[habanerogal]

that is the best way to get the bucket list in control

[Kellyology]

You are fabulous!

[Lynda]

This is hilarious! Congratulations!

[Nikki]

Loving you! This shit is making my day a little brighter! You rock! Thanks! Still trying to find time in my life to blog a little mo-better, maybe someday I can join the ranks, go to a blogher and meet you! Ok, that's on my list now!

[Scattered Mom]

Omg-TOO funny! :P

[califmom]

Sorely disappointed to see you left your fucking clothes on. What the hell? Whatever.

I am so signing up as a sidekick for your NYC bucket list item. If nothing else, I can give you a leg up over any 3 ft. fence you might need to get over. What kind of midgets did you take with you? Sheesh.

[Laurie]

OMG. Hilarious. I too have had an illegal romp in a fountain (also documented with photos and video), so I feel like we could be soul sisters. Carry on...