All these cooking shows on the various food channels bore the crap out of me. I mean, if you possess the skills to cook/bake/some-other-cooking-adjective-here then I'm sure these shows are super helpful with their fancy, gourmet recipes chock-full of ingredients I've never heard of, let alone own. But for the more... novice chef like myself, watching these chefs chop/dice/some-other-cutting-adjective-here is totally lost on me.
Besides, unless you're a budding chef or a 'foodie' or whatever the new hip term is for people who like to make food and eat it, watching that shit is BORING. You can't smell it, they don't even cook in real-time (ingredients into the pot to simmer and WHAM! they pull out an already simmered sauce to fit the 30 minutes time slot) and worst of all, you can't taste any of it. WHAT'S THE POINT?
I need to be entertained. Yelling BAM! at your salt doesn't do it for me. Cussing out your chefs-in-training doesn't make me belly laugh. And describing your ingredients as textures like they're wallpaper or something doesn't make me hungry.
I know, I know. Who am I to criticize world-renowned chefs when, no, I can't cook... BUT! I can start a mean kitchen fire, explode chocolate with such force it leaves holes in the ceiling and grind up a fork in the garbage disposal until it finally disintegrates.
I forgot what my point was. Oh yeah... that my meals might not always ever turn out, but at least there's some action! and drama! and often, comedy! happening in the kitchen.
Just last night I attempted to cook my husband his dream dinner... filet mignon, brocolli and the only side dish I've ever invented that didn't go horrendously wrong: ranch potatoes and I still managed to fuck that up. AND IT'S MY INVENTION FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. (Turns out I can't even mix some ranch dressing without redecorating the kitchen walls and window with half of it. Note to self: Check that lid is securely fastened before shaking vigorously.)
That's when I realized I could totally host my own cooking show... OK, more like a bloopers show... that has *some* cooking in it... Perhaps I'd call it - and just roll with me here, I'm just thinking aloud - something like "Bitch Can't Cook, Boil or Bake: How to deploy a fire extinguisher" or the more simpler, marketable "Burn, baby, burn" (patent pending). No matter what it's called, I'm CERTAIN you would all be totally entertained. If not by me, then by the firemen of course.