I need my own cooking show

All these cooking shows on the various food channels bore the crap out of me. I mean, if you possess the skills to cook/bake/some-other-cooking-adjective-here then I'm sure these shows are super helpful with their fancy, gourmet recipes chock-full of ingredients I've never heard of, let alone own. But for the more... novice chef like myself, watching these chefs chop/dice/some-other-cutting-adjective-here is totally lost on me.

Besides, unless you're a budding chef or a 'foodie' or whatever the new hip term is for people who like to make food and eat it, watching that shit is BORING. You can't smell it, they don't even cook in real-time (ingredients into the pot to simmer and WHAM! they pull out an already simmered sauce to fit the 30 minutes time slot) and worst of all, you can't taste any of it. WHAT'S THE POINT?

I need to be entertained. Yelling BAM! at your salt doesn't do it for me. Cussing out your chefs-in-training doesn't make me belly laugh. And describing your ingredients as textures like they're wallpaper or something doesn't make me hungry.

I know, I know. Who am I to criticize world-renowned chefs when, no, I can't cook... BUT! I can start a mean kitchen fire, explode chocolate with such force it leaves holes in the ceiling and grind up a fork in the garbage disposal until it finally disintegrates.

I forgot what my point was. Oh yeah... that my meals might not always ever turn out, but at least there's some action! and drama! and often, comedy! happening in the kitchen.

Just last night I attempted to cook my husband his dream dinner... filet mignon, brocolli and the only side dish I've ever invented that didn't go horrendously wrong: ranch potatoes and I still managed to fuck that up. AND IT'S MY INVENTION FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. (Turns out I can't even mix some ranch dressing without redecorating the kitchen walls and window with half of it. Note to self: Check that lid is securely fastened before shaking vigorously.)

That's when I realized I could totally host my own cooking show... OK, more like a bloopers show... that has *some* cooking in it... Perhaps I'd call it - and just roll with me here, I'm just thinking aloud - something like "Bitch Can't Cook, Boil or Bake: How to deploy a fire extinguisher" or the more simpler, marketable "Burn, baby, burn" (patent pending). No matter what it's called, I'm CERTAIN you would all be totally entertained. If not by me, then by the firemen of course.

Comments

[jeff(taylor900)]

uh being on my third can of 'mini ravioli' this week (counting sunday) by the famous chef boyardee... and about to puke if i have to eat another can of it ... i would watch your cooking show to find out handy tips on how to cook .. no wait id make my girl watch it .. wait no she couldnt care less... she thinks a kitchen is for plugging in her hair dryer if ppl are using the bathrooms... why am i posting this .. must be chef boyardee tomato sauce overload... sorry

[Kel]

Sign me up, I'll watch, be a guest, extinguish fires. ;)

[jeff(taylor900)]

oh yeah im back again to tell you i do have a copy of the best cookbook ever written ... my mom had it .. and now its mine .. its called: The I Hate To Cook CookBook by Peg Bracken ... it was written in the 60's i think and i am telling you it's hilarious and worth trying to find a copy of... excerpt: 'put the potatoes to boil, light a cigarette, stare sullenly at the sink..' her recipes are actually good and simple ..

ps: i like 'burn baby burn' for your show .. just has the right amount of sophistication ... yeah thats it...

[Deidra23]

W00t! Firemen!

[Sarcastic Mom / Lotus]

I would definitely watch just to see you burn things.

[MinivanSoapbox]

Ok, so my husband is addicted to the Food Network - which is weird because he refuses to make anything if it takes more than 10 minutes. Specifically that creepy Good Eats and any competition show. So, he's constantly telling me that Cantaloupe ISN'T Cantaloupe - but in fact a Musk Melon...and that my FLAVOR PROFILES are wrong. WTF?

[chasity]

I think you might appreciate my long standing joke about how I don't cook unless it's a matter of life and death- "I don't have to clean my stove top, I have to DUST it."

Oh, and when my smoke alarm goes off, my oldest son can be heard yelling, "Pizza's Done!" And yes, sadly, that is 100% true.

[Meg]

You come up with a show like that and I will be all over it. I love watching Top Chef, but sometimes I have NO IDEA what they're cooking 'cause things like comfit and shit just make me go, huh?

Now a show of someone maybe cooking and then burning the shit works for me. There's a show kinda like that, something like What Would Martha Do or something like that where Martha's Stewart's daughter and her friend watch Martha's show and try to actually do the crafts and shit. It looks funny!

[Courtney]

I have to agree those shows are boring! If I hear about a good recipe I usually just head to the website to get the ingredients, so much easier! I think we would all be entertained by you cooking and with a health dose of shirtless firemen!

[David]

I would TOTALLY watch this show! I hate cooking shows for the same reason you do. They're boring as fuck. Actually, fucking isn't boring at all, but that's not really my point. Anyway, let me know the channel, day and time, and I will be there.

[humpsNbump]

Now this is a show that I can watch. Just make sure that there is a fireman appearance at the end of each show.

~ humps

[CT Mom]

I finally had to shell out $200 for an All-Clad pan to put out a decent meal.

Let me know when you hold auditions for your cooking show sidekick and I'll be there!

[DCUrbanDad]

I would totally watch this and I am sure you could find some kick ass sponsors. Like Johnsons and Johnsons bandaids.

[X]

LOL. Messing up your own invention. That's awesome! ... Oh, and I would totally watch your cooking show, are you kidding me? Way better than Paula Dean or Giada, fo' sho'!

[lynn @ human, being]

I know this guy who is a producer for a couple of Food Network Shows. You should pitch this to him.

[twitter.com/bornfamous]

Definitely pitch this show. I am ALWAYS entertained by firemen.

[Al_Pal]

Ah hahah, I LOLed for reals. AWESOME.