I went to Hotlanta and all I got was a broken ass. (I would have been happy with a t-shirt.)

There's a song by Fergie that sings "If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home." Well I ain't got no money and I have a broken ass, so I dutifully left Hotlanta where I had surprised my sister for her engagement party this past weekend for home-sweet-home, only there was nothing G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S about it if you know what I'm sayin'. And I think you do.

I don't know if a broken ass (literally - it was x-ray'd) is the sign of a great bachelorette party or a very bad one, but put me in 4" heels (albeit awesome ones), on a moving bus lined in fur (except the floor, APPARENTLY) with spilled club soda (WHO THE FUCK SPILLED THAT?) on the floor and, well, let's just say that there are now two cracks in my ass. One that's been there since birth and the other just since Friday night.

I've told you all I'm a good time. You probably thought I meant I was the life of the party... No, no. I just provide the entertainment. At my own expense. Says the girl writing this post from the false comfort of a donut pillow under her fanny.

I called my sister RV and told her the official diagnosis today and I'm pretty certain she fell out of her desk chair laughing out loud at work. To the point where she had to explain to her co-workers (Hi Mary!) and boss why she was all shits-and-giggles and unfortunately for me, that included referring to my ass hitting the flo' not in the way Flo' Rida suggests.

Picking up my younger two boys from school, I gave them a G-rated explanation of why "mommy hurts" by explaining that my butt hurt because there are bones in there (SHUT-UP) and one of them broke. My 5 year old smirks, SMIRKS, "So you broke your ass bone?" Kinda like, "just give it to me straight." Then they giggled. My 5 and 3 year old laughed at me.

FMITA. Only, don't. *winces* 

Of course Candy Ass is just having a field day with this. He has an uncanny knack for coming up with ass jokes and quips constantly about my 'broke ass' and being a 'pain in the ass' and so on and so forth. I'm trying desperately to remember his other great qualities right now so his ass can remain intact. I'm not gonna lie; it's hard. He's being kind of an ass. (Heh.)

The truth is, other than The Great Fall which everyone has made a 'crack' about, both the bachelorette (video coming soon!) and engagement parties were great successes and I was sooooo excited to get to go to Atlanta and be there for it all.

Comments

[Tamara in GA]

Hee hee! I thought it was serious when you wouldn't even sit to eat! It is a "crack up" though...get it!!!???!!!

[pamela]

awwww that sucks! but you got to see your sister!

[laura]

after our twitter conversation you know i feel your pain. rock that donut girl!

[Tina@SendChocolate]

ok, so how much did you drink? Don't be bringin' 4" heels to party anymore, right?

T.

[Miss]

Oh the jokes. I figured CA was having a good time with this.

[heather...]

This made my day. Does that make you feel a LITTLE better? Sorry you're hurting though. xo

[jeff(taylor900)]

are you kidding? one second youre talking to me @ 4:30 am about fighting w my gf and making :( faces and next thing youre busting your butt? im telling you.... theres just no knowing whats next with you girl ... before long i'll be hearing about a salsa making beaver in the backyard or something...

[Dad Gone Mad]

I presume there will be photos of said broken ass.

[Maura]

Ouch. Just ouch. But I'm glad a good time was had by all. Except your ass, of course.

[krysta]

i guess it gives new meaning to being butt hurt?

[VDog]

Poor honey boo.

XOXOXOXO

[humpsNbump]

Hoping I have enough cushion for the pushing that this doesn't happen to me. I don't do well with those donut pillows.

You're taking it like a champ!

~ humps

[Mandi Bone]

I hope you share all the google hits you get with this post. Now that is a great bachelorette party when you come home with a busted ass.

[Unplanned Cooking]

You just gave me the best laugh. I hope you feel better soon!

[RV]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaahhhaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhhaaaaaahahahahhaaaaaaaa

[cali]

omg! girl, we so need to swap stories sometime!!

[Ren]

I'm curious what the point of the X-rays was -- it's not like they treat it differently because it's actually broken, is it? Unless you're going to post them, of course.

I can't imagine that plane ride home was very comfortable....

[Courtney]

Wow X-Rays and all this is too funny! Sorry but this made me laugh! Hope you feel better soon!

[Erin (Roger's sister)]

Oh no!! I am so sorry to hear about your doctor visit! While the night was so much fun, I was so worried about you! Take care of yourself...and all of your parts:)

[Avitable]

The reason he's not being nicer to you is that he doesn't want to be a kiss-ass.

I hope your ass feels better soon. Those types of injuries aren't all they're cracked up to be.

[mel]

That sucks, but it is pretty damn funny.

[tracey]

Oh man. Your husband's a real ass.

Oops! Sorry. Hope your tushy feels better soon.

[Apryl's Antics]

You came to Atlanta and returned to California with a crack problem. Damn this city. I'm glad I live in the suburbs.

[Drew G]

So what exactly is the treatment for "broken butt" -- besides wise cracks and pain meds?

[x]

I have a feeling you had a good time writing this post. C'mon the ass crack thing didn't give you a chuckle? Love the rap references, too.

Sorry about yo' broke ass!

[Diane Anderson]

I broke mine right after my last child- you'll always be able to tell when the rain is coming! It seriously takes almost 6 months to heal! Hope you're feeling better soon!

[lynn @ human, being]

dude, I broke my ass bone twice in 2 months in college, once hiking (oops, was that a boulder I just slid into) and then fake-WWF-wrestling with my boyfriend. So if you think your 3- and 5-yo boys are mean, imagine carrying a fucking donut cushion into your 300-student freshman Psych class that is filled with the football team and a bunch of frat boys.

Good thing: you'll always know when a weather front is coming in from the weird ass-bone ache. It's almost a party trick.

[Al_Pal]

zomg. I saw something about you breaking your ass on twitter but just now saw this! Owwie!!!

I broke my femur years ago. Fun times. Hope you've got good meds! *HUGS*