My highly technical review of the iPad

If you're looking for a highly technical, riveting review of Apple's latest cocaine fix for gadget geeks everywhere, I'm here to help. My expertise stems from the few minutes my husband "let me" graze his 34GB iPad when he left it unattended while going to the restroom and my ability to relate technological advances to how it effects me personally in life.

You're welcome.

Without further ado, as a Windows user, here is my totally unbiased review of a product I knew I would never buy even before I saw it:

It's a bloated iTouch.

It's sleek and thin and all Calvin Klein-ish waif the way all Apple products are and yet oversized enough to be considered inconvenient to carry.

It's nothing more than an entertainment device at this point; a gadget you can load up with apps and spend countless hours wasting while using until the long lasting battery dies. (See: my husband all fucking weekend.) Note: You can do the same damn thing on your iphone and itouch right now already.

It took me ten minutes to get bored with it and twenty minutes to figure out how to turn it off.

Despite it's geriatric-sized keyboard for allegedly easier typing, I managed to shoot blanks several times while attempting to tweet about the iPad.

The bitch racks up fingerprints quicker than an FBI database. I have no doubt Apple is in cahoots with the agency already, swiping gadget geeks paw prints in Apple stores everywhere for their database as we speak. SUCKERS!

It's an overpriced kid's toy. My boys think it's cool. Because of a Toy Story app, not because they understand the more technical in's and out's of the device like I clearly do.

And by overpriced kid's toy I include grown men in this demographic. Like my husband. Hang on, there's a call coming through from my divorce attorney...

Still there?

Great. Under my attorney's advice I think I'll be filing "irreconcilable technological differences."

This monsterous iTouch doesn't even have a camera but there's a bajillion photo apps. I'm just as confused as you.

But the iPad is not a total waste. I should also point out its finer points:

Um...

It's easier to read blogs/websites/ebooks on it because it's ginormous?

It has really good sound. Like, it's loud. Especially when you're trying to go to sleep and your husband's face is all a-glow playing some shoot-em-up-blow-em-up-kill-em-dead game he downloaded and the sound of simulated machine gun just isn't lulling you to sleep.

It's not so pretty that it takes away from you.

The screen is so bright it can illuminate your entire house. Do worry about paying the electric bill this month, dear. WE HAVE AN IPAD!

This version is so inept, we won't have to hear about it for too long before there's something else that's newer, better, more functional and hopefully smaller. Oh wait. That's the iTouch.
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Full disclosure: Apple did not pay me to provide this highly technical review of the iPad nor did they provide with an iPad or the money to buy one. Frankly, the owe me a refund and whatever debt I'm about to incur over divorce expenses.

Comments

[Shnerfle]

But can you access your blog and post from there? I'm thinking it's like a mini-laptop, since all I really need, in addition to my iPhone, is Word, or an equivalent. And I'd love the Kindle app on there. BIG SCREEN, BABY! OOH! And GIANT WordsWithFriends! :-)

[Jess]

I haven't used an iPad since I think the 9th grade...

Steve Jobs loves feminine products as used monthly by post-pubescent women everywhere...

He's simply expanding the absorbency to men...

Husfriend, step away from the Apple store...

[Nicole]

Heh. We've been calling our iPod Touches "iPad Nanos" :)

And my understanding is that the iPhone/iPod Touch apps don't work on the iPad.

I don't get it. Apple used to be really innovative, and they had an opportunity to make something really good with this - a true tablet, and all they made was an embiggened Touch.

[UD {Megan}]

@Shnerfle - This version of the iPad is far from a laptop. So far from those expectations that they've already released dates for a new version... just a week after releasing this one.

@Nicole - I completely agree. This should have been a tablet COMPUTER. This is a total step backward... almost reverse engineering. Let's hope they do something substantial with newer versions otherwise... what a waste.

[I have heard rumors that they're already going to make a smaller version of the ipad. Go figure.]

[cindy w]

My husband bought one last week. Without mentioning to me that he was going to drop $500 on a new toy. To say that I was pissed would be an understatement.

On the up side, though, my three year-old LOVES it. Sigh.

[The Mother]

I love the disclaimer. I would NEVER have predicted that Apple did not pay you to write that excellent, highly technical review. Thank you for clarifying for those of us who need excellent, highly technical, totally unbiased reviews.

[Cherry]

oooh that toy your kids were playing with was the i-pad? I must say, the only things that should come that huge and re-chargeable should be dildos. Just sayin...

[Marty Mankins]

As the owner of both an iPad and an iPod touch (actually, the touch is my wife's), this was a funny, well thought out review. Loved it.

Still keeping the iPad cause it's working for me. Hope your husband gets tired of his, though, as it sounds like he's not able to multitask with the iPad around.

Meanwhile, my wife has discovered there is Mahjong for the iPad. I must hide my new toy when I'm not around.

[pamela]

LOLOLOLOL

my favorite line?

"The screen is so bright it can illuminate your entire house. Do worry about paying the electric bill this month, dear. WE HAVE AN IPAD!"

[Kirsten]

@Shnerfle If you want a mini-laptop, get a mini-laptop, aka a netbook. It's an actual computer, with an actual keyboard, that runs real software, and you can use multiple programs at once. Battery life is great, they weigh about 2.5 lbs so they're easy to take anywhere, and you can get a decent one for around $300.

[Apryl's Antics]

Remember those GINORMOUS calculators and tv remote controls? That's what the iPad seemed like to me. Thanks for the comfirmation!

[Whit]

I'm an apple guy and I'm not even remotely interested in an iPad. If it doesn't fit in my pocket, there's no way I'm gonna rock it. Truth.

[amy ebel]

As i dont have or want an iphone or itouch its not repetitive for me. its lighter than my acer tiny lap computer and now ive saved the price of a kindle or nook. I read 3 or 4 books a week so its important. I like it for what i use it for.

[Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]]

But can I still want one?

[Dan]

I love my iPad. Does this make me a Candy Ass?