If you're looking for a highly technical, riveting review of Apple's latest cocaine fix for gadget geeks everywhere, I'm here to help. My expertise stems from the few minutes my husband "let me" graze his 34GB iPad when he left it unattended while going to the restroom and my ability to relate technological advances to how it effects me personally in life.
Without further ado, as a Windows user, here is my totally unbiased review of a product I knew I would never buy even before I saw it:
It's a bloated iTouch.
It's sleek and thin and all Calvin Klein-ish waif the way all Apple products are and yet oversized enough to be considered inconvenient to carry.
It's nothing more than an entertainment device at this point; a gadget you can load up with apps and spend countless hours wasting while using until the long lasting battery dies. (See: my husband all fucking weekend.) Note: You can do the same damn thing on your iphone and itouch right now already.
It took me ten minutes to get bored with it and twenty minutes to figure out how to turn it off.
Despite it's geriatric-sized keyboard for allegedly easier typing, I managed to shoot blanks several times while attempting to tweet about the iPad.
The bitch racks up fingerprints quicker than an FBI database. I have no doubt Apple is in cahoots with the agency already, swiping gadget geeks paw prints in Apple stores everywhere for their database as we speak. SUCKERS!
It's an overpriced kid's toy. My boys think it's cool. Because of a Toy Story app, not because they understand the more technical in's and out's of the device like I clearly do.
And by overpriced kid's toy I include grown men in this demographic. Like my husband. Hang on, there's a call coming through from my divorce attorney...
Great. Under my attorney's advice I think I'll be filing "irreconcilable technological differences."
This monsterous iTouch doesn't even have a camera but there's a bajillion photo apps. I'm just as confused as you.
But the iPad is not a total waste. I should also point out its finer points:
It's easier to read blogs/websites/ebooks on it because it's ginormous?
It has really good sound. Like, it's loud. Especially when you're trying to go to sleep and your husband's face is all a-glow playing some shoot-em-up-blow-em-up-kill-em-dead game he downloaded and the sound of simulated machine gun just isn't lulling you to sleep.
It's not so pretty that it takes away from you.
The screen is so bright it can illuminate your entire house. Do worry about paying the electric bill this month, dear. WE HAVE AN IPAD!
This version is so inept, we won't have to hear about it for too long before there's something else that's newer, better, more functional and hopefully smaller. Oh wait. That's the iTouch.
Full disclosure: Apple did not pay me to provide this highly technical review of the iPad nor did they provide with an iPad or the money to buy one. Frankly, the owe me a refund and whatever debt I'm about to incur over divorce expenses.