(Roller)Blades of Glory

In my day, which for the sake of this post was the early 90s, I was a damned good rollerblader.

Well.

I had rollerblades and I wore them on occasion. And one time, I actually worked up the nerve to use them as a transportation device to get me from my house to my friend's. As it turns out, I was not so much "a damned good rollerblader" as maybe I looked damned good wearing them and even that might be a subjective argument.

I don't recall whether rollerblades used to come with brakes (they do now - but only one... which?), but if you ask me, I will swear on all that is roll-y that they most certainly did not back when I used-to-could 'blade it up because I never noticed a brake and that's how I was forced to impale myself on a palm tree when a very steep ass hill (fine - a mere downgrade in the cement) had me gaining more momentum than my little legs felt courageous enough to handle.

PSA: Palm trees have thorns. Fuckers.

I never did make it to my friend's house. The injury cut so deep my pride was hurt and I hung up my rollerblades, swearing off all contact sports forever. Fin.

That was until a month ago when I spied a pair of shiny (fine - more of a matte, god you're so demanding on the accuracy of my details) blue rollerblades in the sporting goods aisle of Target while shopping with my mom. I ran my finger across the word SCHWINN emblazoned on the box and thought OH YES. I SHALL RIDE AGAIN. I'm pretty sure "I'm So Into You" by SWV was playing in my head as I mindlessly went to adjust my scrunchie.

"You're kidding? Or.. are you serious?" My mom asked, dumbfounded.

I snapped back to 2010.

"I'm thinking about it," I tell her matter-of-factly, using my best grown-up decision making voice like I've weighed the pros and cons and thought it through thoroughly and come to the conclusion via pie charts and precise calculations that yes, these rollerblades will in fact CHANGE MY LIFE.

"Well. I'll get them for you for Mother's Day then."

"Mom. No. Really. You don't have to do that. What if I don't actually use them? I would feel bad."

"Then use them."

*neck snap*

So I put them on. Right then, right there. Ten minutes later, after having attempted a suicide mission down a few aisles with the 'blades still attached to each other, being pulled by my pretend sister while my sister The Brat squeaks a bicycle horn in my ear and Target management makes a move to kick us out, those bad boys are put in the cart for purchase. (And I'm pretty sure my mom will never go to Target with us again.) (But rollerblades! Score!)

*

Last night Candy Ass and I sat down to finally watch Whip It. Fucking Netflix never sends us anything we actually want in our queue; everything is "very long wait" or "long wait" or "you will die before we send you this fucking movie so just give up already, asshole" so I'm certain we are the last two people on Earth to see it.

Oh. My. God. Let me repeat. OH MY GOD! I went from laying lazily on the couch, to sitting up, to being up on my knees SO INSPIRED! AND INTO! THIS RAD! BAD! ASS! ROLLER DERBY! MOVIE! By the time the credits rolled, I turned to Candy Ass, my brow furrowed, a gleam in my eyes and a curl in my lip and said, "I am fucking ROLLERBLADING tomorrow."

And that's what I did.

(Roller)Blades of Glory from Undomestic Diva on Vimeo.

{Click on link to watch full-screen. Recommended!}

Now I might not be ready for Roller Derby. Yet. BUT, with a *little* bit of practice and a catchy bad ass name? Pfft. I'll be knocking bitches over in my fishnets while whippin' it in no time at all.

P.S. I asked Candy Ass for Roller Derby nickname ideas for me. They were not kind. Like "Mega Butt." That's not a Roller Derby worthy name; that's my signature finishing wrestling move. (I've got a forehead like steel, bitches.)  

Comments

[Miss]

w.o.w.

I used to be a KICK ASS rollerblader and yes, have broken my wrist while doing so. That proves my bad assery kinda right?

Dude I'm so signing your cast.

[Silver]

Holy cats! That you were brave enough to post that video?! Hero. all I'm sayin.

[Apryl's Antics]

One year I asked for roller *skates* for Christmas (I'm an 80's kid). Now called "quads". I've used them four times in the last decade. During one of those four times I learned about the actual incline of my street. That bitch is slanted! I had to take a full nose dive into the neighbor's yard to stop myself. I slid six feet and was covered in leaves and mud. The cool part: My daughter watched the whole thing.

[Jenn]

Is now when I point out that roller derby is played on quad skates? :) Which, incidentally, I find FAR easier to skate on!

Roller derby is awesome... we're just getting a league off the ground locally, so we're not doing much more than skating around in circles at the moment, but it's FUN!

[Donna in VA]

You are too funny! "Cast signing party"

[UD {Megan}]

Jenn - I did notice that Roller Derby is actually on "quad" skates but Target only sells Rollerblades so I'm improvising. WORK WITH ME HERE! lol

[Kellee]

I feel you with the whole palm tree thing. I was actually fairly decent at roller blading, but I did go down a bona fide hill and had something similar happen. I was going so fast I didn't think I could stop myself properly or make it to the bottom of the hill without wiping out. My dad's truck was parked along the side of the road on the hill, and I made an attempt to roll along the side of it and use it to slow me down. I miscalculated and flew right into the front of it. Literally, knees into bumper, upper body over the hood, force was so great that it threw my legs up over my head. NOT FUN! No more roller blading for me. hehe Good luck to you, and watch out for those crazy parked vehicles :)

[Peggy S Brister]

That is grade A prime funny as shit right there. Especially considering how fucking good a skater you use to be. It's amazing what age and a few kids can do to you. I love how you called your kid a little shit only we didn't hear the shit part!! Priceless!
(P.S- this is my second attempt to post a comment, so we'll see how this try goes)

[kdiddy]

Ha! Good for you! And funnily enough, I just posted yesterday about the roller skates (yes, skates) that I just bought and how I'm getting into roller skating.

[Theresa]

Love the way you keep pulling up your jeans. Girl--you need a smaller size!

[EmmieJ]

Your palm tree was my ski lift pole. Rollerblades I can do...skis? Not so much. Once you get to the point where you won't grab on me to pull me down with you as you fall, I'm totally taking you out rollerblading. I. Can't. Wait.

[MrsT]

UD- You are so fucking hilarious! Your story has taken me back to the early 90's and my rollerblades. I am heading to target right this minute to buy me some new ones!

[Jenna BHJ]

The nurse in me was screaming you need a helmet!, knees pads, elbow pads!
But....It sure would be fun to be on a roller derby team wouldn't it?

[Jenny Georgio-who]

It usually helps if your move your feet instead of just letting the blades take you where they want to...just saying. I know EXACTLY how you feel and dude you are brave. When I get on skates I scream like a little bitch.

Be glad you are doing that on cement and NOT ice. Ice skating is scary. I'm always afraid I'm going to fall (I do) and that while I'm trying to get up someone will skate right over my hand cutting off my fingers (never happened but I swear it will)...

[Trish]

I bought blades in the early 90's after having grown out of my childhood quads (and mind you, nearly killed myself on those). I rolled around my underground apartment garage with full pads, helmet etc on, grabbed a few concrete poles and pretty much put 'em back in the box.

A few years later a guy we were renting a room from stole my blades while he was moving out--I'd kicked him out. Ticked he'd stolen something, but saw his a$$ go down hard on the ground once blading around town a year later...whatever he thot he stole, he HAD to have spent in ER room fees! heh-heh-heh! payback IS a bitch!

good luck with those things...I wanna see the video of you trying again!

[Chibi Jeebs]

OMG! If I didn't love you before, I sure would now! LOL

(And I'm sorry, but Mega-Butt had me laughing 'til I coughed. ;) )

[Jen the Trephinist]

I am the head coach of a roller-derby league and I'm telling you: I COULD WORK WITH THAT.

[MollyMcB]

LOVE IT! I, too, came to know skates in the 90s and my first attempts at stopping included me spinning in three circles (clockwise if it matters) til I slowed a bit than landing on my but cross legged trying hard to look like that it EXACTLY what I had been meaning to do! Now, I am still an avid skater (with a large fish shaped scar on my left calf to prove it) and I know how to stop ... at least, I did, until I started pushing my kids around in front of me in a stroller while I skated. Now we're back to some ugly moments.