As it turns out, you can cause an explosion via a coffee pot.
1. Wake up way too goddamn early to begin the school schedule process after having been up at 4 am to handle a bloody nose you do not know how to handle because you are not a goddamn medic and all of twitter is fast asleep while your husband either a) never heard a peep or, b) pretended to never hear a peep. I'M GOING WITH OPTION B.
2. Stumble to the kitchen to make coffee because - you know - PRIORITIES while your 7 year old, fully awake and chipper as can be at this ungodly hour talks to you about ? What? Sure. Uh-huh. OK. Donkey. Right. $35. Certainly.
3. Empty yesterday's coffee filter and replace with a new one after cussing to help separate those thin papery suckers from each other AND GOD WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG.
4. Grab the Peet's coffee bag only to discover it's empty and cry a little. "Mommy what's wrong?" "WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S STILL DARK OUT!" "Geez, I just wanted a PopTart." "Oh. OK."
5. Find reserve bag of Peet's coffee and wonder who thought it was a good idea to super glue the opening together in the name of sealing in the freshness. IDIOTS.
6. Pour in extra grounds because this is looking like an extra bold French Roast kinda day, hit brew.
7. Make three lunches, check three homework folders, pack three backpacks, feed three kids, set out three sets of school clothes.
8. Come back to the holy goodness sweet relief that is your first cup of coffee in the morning only to discover... the pot is empty. What? WHAT? Where did the coffee goooooo?
9. *head ---> counter* You realize you never actually put water in the fucking coffee pot. ROOKIE MISTAKE and you are, of all things, no rookie. *shrivel*
10. Open lid on coffee maker, pour in water and POOOOF! *explode* *steam* *spout* *hissssss* *facial* *not that kind of facial* *steam burn*
This is when you contemplate how taking a science class in high school might have been helpful. But no, you took agriculture instead - which technically counted for science credits - and never forced you to dissect a frog (nevermind that whole slaughtering a market animal thing) so here's to getting around the system! Didn't that work out! So now you know nothing about steam (clearly) or fire (clearly) or a whole barrage of other scientific matters but you still remember a hog's gestation period (3 months, 3 weeks, 3 days) by golly. So, you know. There's that.
So here I sit, in the seductively lit back corner of my local Starbucks, sucking up their free wifi and leaving my caffeine intake in the capable, professional hands of trained baristas. I'm pretty certain that's how the coffee gods intended it. And that's not something you'd ever learn in a science class. WINK.