I am not what you would call a patient driver. No. When it comes to the road, it seems the assholes just magically appear out of nowhere just to piss me off. I'm certain it's not because they are simply idiots but that they actually have a vendetta against me and want to do me physical and emotional and middle finger harm. So I might take it a little personally when dumbasses break the rules of the road.
If you happen to break one of these rules, don't expect me to shrug my shoulders all sunshine and OH NO BIG DEAL like because god made car horns loud and middle fingers longer than the other digits FOR A REASON.
Offense #1: If I have to speed up to take a freeway exit, I have every right to help you off the road. My insurance deductible is low for a reason and the satisfaction just may be worth it.
Offense #2: You cut me off only to slow down once you've gotten in front of me? OH HAIL TO THE NO. I will lay on the horn until it's convenient for you to find another lane.
Offense #3: Douche parking. Really? Your slammed Toyota Corolla is so valuable that you need to park it sideways across two parking spots AT TARGET FOR GOD SAKES so no one gets near it? Well I just might. I might just park my huge ass mommy SUV as close as freakin' possible, testing how honest its back-up sensors really are.
Offense #4: You're too cool for your blinker? I DON'T LIKE YOU. It's a courtesy. Have some.
Offense #5: After you're done laying on the effing horn behind me at a green light I hope you feel like total moron when I finally get going after the pedestrian has made it across the street. Oh. Right. You didn't see her pushing a stroller? GET OFF MY ASS THEN.
Offense #6: I don't personally take issue with drivers on cell phones if they can multitask. Whatever. I think the bluetooth ear pieces are kinda douchy looking, so all the power to you if you can drive, talk AND concentrate. But if you're the school principal speeding through the school parking lot during morning drop-off in your Jaguar while talk on your cell phone YOU SUCK. I may or may not dislike you already for a whole list of other reasons, but this was worth mentioning.
Offense #7: You see a cop and automatically slow to 5 mph below the speed limit. Really? I mean, c'mon. Like the cop doesn't know what you were just doing before you slammmmed on the brakes. If I were a cop I'd pull you over for being a kiss ass.
Offense #8: Your kids aren't properly seat belted into their car seats - or worse - aren't in a car seat at all. There is no joke here: You suck. There is no excuse.
Offense #9: You won't let anyone over. Red Rover, Red Rover let me the fuck over before I let myself over. Oh? That's not how that little rhyme went? Huh.
Offense #10: The freeway is not the cruise-way. Drive people. Like you're going somewhere. Like you know the gas pedal is on the right. It may not be a race but it's not a scenic drive either.
Basically, don't be a dumbass. Cool?