Undomestic Diva

Holding My Breath

Because I am a mature woman, with specific ideals and beliefs and rights and privileges, I am holding my breath until I hear back from the Starbucks CEO and/or its Financial Chief.

The sooner I hear back, the better, because as I see it, the only thing left for me to do is stage a protest and burn... my Starbucks cup. Don't make me...

In the meantime, I've posted a vague review of Augusten Burrough's latest book A Wolf at the Table: A Memoir of my Father on the Undomestic Readers site.

A Letter to Starbucks

I'm afraid there's bad news. You've probably heard by now (via the microchip Starbucks has, unbeknownst to you, planted in your small intestine via one of their many delicious concoctions) that Starbucks will be closing 600 of its under-performing stores -  yet another ugly side effect of a struggling economy.

So here I sit, writing an open letter to Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz and Chief Financial Officer Pete Bocian who could probably give a rat's ass about what I'm about to say because I'm certain they're hooked up to an IV drip of... well... Starbucks drip.

Gentlemen,

I'm sad. And no, these are not tears of grief streaming down my face as I try to see through the blur and get my thoughts heard; they are tears of frustration. I am disappointed that no one consulted me first. I am confused how you could make such a monumental decision without my input. And I am some other third thing I can't think of right now because I know examples are best in threes.

I'm afraid my local Starbucks could be one of those "lower performing stores" because you can actually go in and get out of there with your drink in under half an hour. (I think a Starbucks store is only deemed "successful" when lines wind well outside the store and halfway around the corner. I don't live in NYC on some numbered avenue. I'm in Nowhere Specific Suburbia, which, btw, is chock full of moms and housewives riding hormonal rollercoasters - not a demographic you really want to let down, just so ya know.) But this isn't just another Starbucks to me; it's where my guys and I hang out a couple of (fine - several) times a week. It's where we've met new friends, been reunited with old classmates and where we know every barista by name and vice versa.

For just a moment, separate yourself from the numbers and diagrams, the pie charts and cost analysis. Imagine how many novels and blog posts were written at this (or any particular) Starbucks alone. How many awful blind dates were hatched here and how many dramatic break-ups occurred right there at the table near the bar. How many meetings have been conducted at that table in the back? How many people enter this particular Starbucks each morning, looking for a jump-start to their day? How many people end their days via a night cap from this store? Oh? Just me? Anyway...

I might be jumping the gun here, as no one has actually said my local Bux is going to close, but just the thought - the mere possibility - is giving me anxiety once only thought to be caused by a triple grande cappuccino. It's too much to handle.

If some stores have to go, then I personally think they should be the semi-affiliated ones that have infiltrated our grocery stores and Targets. At first, these were a welcomed sight. I'll even admit to having used 'going to Target' as an excuse to get my daily fix of Starbucks. But the truth of the matter is, most of these store-run Bux locations can't fix a decent cappuccino if you stabbed them with the foam thermometer. I've asked for an iced one-pump mocha and received chocolate milk on ice. I had to teach a guy in our local grocery store how to make a carmel macchiato for christsake. It's unholy.

In an effort to not be too dramatic, I just think you should know the overall melancholy that will transfix my whole world should my Starbucks be one that closes.

I think Starbucks Corporate needs to re-think what they're about to do to the economy. According to MSN, Starbucks plans on closing 600 stores, reducing their global workforce by 7 percent, with an estimated 12,000 people losing their jobs. Good god, smalls! That's 12,000 people who will be flocking to your big coffee rivals - ya know, them golden arches with their nasty ass hotel-tasting-iced-coffees - because you've pulled the rubber mats from beneath them.

If this doesn't scream injustice, then don't you at least realize what villainous part you're playing in today's economy? The vicious circle you are creating? The economy is bad so you close stores to save money. But then MILLIONS are inconvenienced by these closures and stop going to Starbucks altogether. This leaves a whole lotta people without their daily caffeinated fuel, thus affecting overall productivity wherever they work, resulting in a loss of profit at these particular companies, therefore forcing lay-offs and thereby affecting the economy. Again. IT'S SIMPLE ECONOMICS, BABY.

And can I just say, why are all the closures going to be in the U.S.? Starbucks is ours. MADE IN THE USA. (OK - I know that actual coffee is not so much grown here, but you're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down, right? The company was grown here.) If you've got to downsize somewhere, how about elsewhere? Why bite the hands that serves us? That makes our foam? Brews our beans? Whips our cream? And for the love of god, I don't want to see some fine print on my cardboard cup telling me the mochas are now made in Taiwan. That ain't right.

OK, so maybe Economics was never my thing. But I do know one thing: My local Starbucks? I know the manager, the assistant manager and every barista there. I know their husbands and wives, their children and their friends. I can tell you about the manager's wife's nerve problems in her hand and his granddaughter's heart surgeries. I can tell you about the assistant manager's husband who just came back from Iraq and the about the baby they have on the way. I can tell you about their tattoos and where they got them done. The list goes on...

And you know what? They don't just know my drink, they've come to my kids birthday parties. They've been to my house and I've been to some of theirs. I've seen them cry and they've seen me cry. (Not that I'm a cry baby or anything.) They are as much a part of my life as coffee is, which, hello! is saying something. So, this isn't about a bottom line, it's personal. It's like a Hallmark commercial... it pulls on the ol' heart strings, and yet there seems to be no happy ending.

Also, not to make you feel like you've made bad decisions in the past or anything, but I inquired once or twice about having Starbucks advertise on my blog. I mean, I've got an entire category devoted to my love of Starbucks, appropriately named "For the Love of Starbucks." I don't want to make assumptions, but... perhaps if you had, I don't know, advertised here... who knows, right?

So please, gentlemen. Keep the gentle in the gentlemen and re-think your decision. I promise to buy stock. (SBUX, right?) And better than that, I promise to continue to be a daily investor in the Starbucks brand by making my frequent (OK, fine - excessive) stops in your stores. I mean, I can't think of a more horrific sight than seeing an empty, deserted Starbucks store. It makes me {gag} nauseous just blogging about it.

Sincerely,

The Undomestic Diva

P.S. If you were never planning on closing my particular store, then forget you ever read any of this. Thanks. 

***

Don't think I didn't forward this to Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz and Chief Financial Officer Pete Bocian. I don't mess around, people.

 

Starbucks Addict WINNER!!

By one vote, one little measly vote, we have a winner. (Don't ever say your vote doesn't count.) Congrats to Jenn in IL who made us all nod in shameful agreement with her You might have a Starbuck's problem if you spill your Starbucks drink on your lap whilst driving and your first reaction has NOTHING to do with the fact that you wore white pants today, or that your lap is suffering some seriously painful burns, but rather a "Dammit!" and pulling a U-ie to go get a fresh one."

Don't lie. You've done it too.

I also have to confess to having - many-a-times -  doing the whole buying two, one for now and one for later, thing out of pure addiction as suggested by IB Kid. [blush]

Congrats to Jenn in IL on the $20 Starbucks gift card. Ya know, to keep on keepin' on... the caffeine.

Vote for a winner

Oh my god, oh my god. You guys are as big-a-Starbucks freaks as me, it turns out. I loved all your You might have a Starbuck's problem if answers. I narrowed it down to 5 and am asking for you guys to vote (until 8:00 PM Pacific tonight) on a winner (announced tomorrow).

You might have a Starbucks problem if...

Look at me! Doing something productive with my little addiction. I've started a list... think Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." but different. Undomestic Diva style.

You might have a Starbucks problem if...

... you have to throw away on old Starbucks cup in order to have room in your cup holder for a new one.

... your drink is waiting for you when you walk in each morning.

... you know the baristas at your local Starbucks by name.

... and the baristas regularly attend your children's birthday parties.

... you consider Starbucks a type of fuel.

... you consider filling up on a cappuccino to be the same thing as putting gas in your tank.

... when people talk about rising fuel prices, you rush to your local Bux to see if it's true.

... you own stock in Starbucks (SBUX) and consider your daily cup of joe an investment.

... Starbucks is where you go because 'everybody knows your name.'

... when a client asks where your office is, you give them your local Starbucks' address.

... Starbucks Green is your favorite color.

... and you've petitioned Crayola to rename "Kelly Green" as such.

... your GPS navigation system sighs audibly when you ask it for the nearest Starbucks location.

... you can't, for the life of you, make it to the gym three times a week, but your discipline is uncanny when it comes to stopping by a Starbucks every.single.day.

Finish the sentence You might have a Starbucks problem if... in the comments section of this post. Enter as often as you'd like through 8:00 PM Pacific today. We will vote on our favorite tomorrow (so be very creative), with the winner announced Wednesday.

Oh yeah, the prize? $20 gift card to - where else? - Starbucks.

 

Starbucks Sneak Peek

OMG. OH MY FREAKING GOD. ohmigawd.

I know. It's not green. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREEN? The Starbucks Mermaid tattooed on my ass is in GREEN. I mean, to top it off, I just bought ten gallons of "Starbucks Green" to paint the outside of my house and now look! They've gone and changed their branding. Bastards.

See! It's BROWN. And yes, I like brown. But do I like change? NO. And, I don't know, I just kinda feel like they should have asked me first. You know??

So I'm curious... What do you think of the new Starbucks look?

[Starbuck's is debuting this "look" tomorrow, April 8 at noon. BUT I TOLD YOU FIRST.]

PSA: In case of emergency

The more I thought about it, (and I thought about it - for three hours last night, precisely) I think it's my duty as your fellow citizen (and internet BFF, we've established) to teach you how to make a proper iced carmel macchiato in case of an emergency, as it was last night when Starbucks closed its doors for three whole hours for some training.

Whatever.

Next time, with this knowledge I am presenting to you, things will be better. Smoother. Calmer. And tastier.

Obviously, this requires an espresso machine which I realize is not a common household appliance. But if you're in the market for one, I highly suggest the Via Venezia from Starbucks which, from time-to-time, goes on sale.

(I also recommend becoming BFFs with your local Starbucks barista so that he/she can get you a great deal, via an employee discount, on one of these bad boys. It damn near makes it affordable.)

Aside from the espresso machine, you will need all of the above. Plus some fat free milk and ice. My local Starbucks kindly gave me an extra cup, lid and straw so I could make this authentic for you. Now if only I could buy them... You know I would. I'm not ashamed.

 

You can, however, buy any and all of the syrups they use. And they are surprisingly inexpensive. For a carmel macchiato, you'll need the Vanilla syrup. Be sure to ask about their sugar-free syrups as well.

Of course, Starbucks sells espresso beans for your espresso machine and the BOLD here is my favorite. (Like I would go anyway but BOLD.) Ask them to grind it for you (for free) at the store if you're too damn lazy to do it yourself. Lazy.

The first thing to go in your cup are the 3-5 pumps of Vanilla syrup. I say 3-5 because it totally depends on your taste. I like my iced carmel macchiatos stronger, so I put less vanilla and milk and more ice and espresso.

Next, add the milk. In a GRANDE cup, I add fat free milk to just-below the first green line. Again, if you do not like it as strong, then add more milk. But just a little.

Add your ice. I like a ton of ice because I actually cannot stand the taste of milk and so whatever milk I do consume (via an iced carmel macchiato, of course) must be extremely cold.

If you've got an espresso machine, you already know how to use it and since each one is different, I'm going to skip the step-by-step and get right to the good stuff... the heart of the matter, the shots themselves. My machine does two at a time and thank god, because we're making a GRANDE size which requires two shots.

 

Add your two shots on top of the ice.

[God, doesn't that almost seem sexually explicit in nature? It's... it's... spectacular.]

Lastly, you're going to add the carmel. Sometimes, around the holidays usually, Starbucks sells their carmel in small sizes. STOCK UP. Because the rest of the year, you're stuck using whatever you can find, even if it means Smuckers sundae toppings... I re-used this handy-dandy ketchup? mayo? dispenser from a Subway sandwich order we made a while back and it's just like the real thing. But different.

Put on your lid, add your straw and WA-LAA!!! A GRANDE iced carmel macchiato IN YOUR OWN HOME. Another trick that I soooo love: Freeze your iced carmel macchiato for about 30 - 45 minutes for a slushier, ice cold, refreshing drink. It's like a dessert. With caffeine.

This, I think I can safely say, has been a Public Service Announcement. Because apparently, Starbucks has to close at some point. (I know, I don't understand it either.) And I don't want us all to be stuck in that What Do I Do? What Do I Do? hell again. So write this down, print it out and have it tattooed on your forehead (backwards of course) so that you never, ever lose it.

Or, I guess, you could always refer back here to my blog. Whatever.

WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY

If you don't know, now you know and consider yourself warned.

7,100 Starbucks are CLOSING THEIR DOORS (yes, as in closed - YOU NO ORDER COFFEE, people) tonight for THREE HOURS.

What will we do?

This folks, is why you should always be prepared for a disaster, meaning storing three months worth of water, espresso and milk. I'm not sure if they make adapters that allow espresso machines to work on batteries, but it's worth checking into.

I just want you to know, that as your internet BFF, I've always thought you were swell. Amazing. Terrific, in fact. I mean, we probably shouldn't mince words since the gravity of this situation has the feeling of Armageddon, or some other similar devastating circumstance staged by Warner Bros or the like. We can only hope Will Smith will save us all. (I no longer look to Tom Cruise for that.)

Tonight, as you sit in the dark corners of your living room, headphones serenading you with some calming, zen-like music as you rock back and forth in a manic nature, know that you are not alone. I will be doing the same, albeit also letting out involuntary outbursts, crying, "Say it ain't so!"

If there are any survivors - and I know the idea seems just too optimistic - let's hope they know how to pull a shot and steam milk to the optimal 160 degrees. I think that's all one can ask for on a day like today.

Stay strong, people. Strong like a shot of espresso and calm like the froth on your cappuccino. Think only of happiness, like a swirl of carmel and keep specks of hope alive like the cinnamon sprinkled on top.

And, if you happen to see a green mermaid, SWIM TOWARD HER. She is the light at the end of our very dark tunnel.

Good luck.

Homemade Starbucks

OK, I think I finally got the hang of my espresso machine. And by getting the hang of it I mean ruining two or three batches of scorched milk before finally steaming it correctly the third time to the desired 160 degrees. Which, by the way, is so much more reasonable and waaaaay safer than 260 degrees. Just so ya know.

But man, isn't it BEAUTIFUL?

[Carmel Macchiato]

Starbucksoholic

I thought I knew what a gift was. I thought it was something someone gave you as a gesture of thoughtfulness and perhaps even love. But a package that arrived yesterday had me second guessing the definition.

So I looked it up in the dictionary. It stated: "Gift: 1. a notable capacity, talent or endowment 2. something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation 3. the act, right or power of giving" Apparently, love ain't got nothin' to do with it.

Yesterday, by definition, I guess I was most certainly on the receiving end of a gift. It arrived in the mail and I opened it anxiously, unaware of what it might be and, I'll admit, I was a little scared, knowing it was coming from a regular prankster of a man, AA, who loves me dearly, and just doesn't know it yet. I was afraid his gift might not reflect his true love for me, so I opened it with scissors and latex gloves... just in case.

To my surprise, nothing popped out at me, exploded or caused an itchy rash. I marveled at how light the package was and the fact that it came from a well-known online company did make me feel slightly more confident that whatever it was, it was probably legal, at least in the 48 continuous states.

I peered. Cautiously. Curiously. I stared inside the yellow/gold envelope, straining to see past the bubble wrap so I could guesstimate whether I wanted to look further or just drop it in the trash immediately.

Now let me just reiterate that this was gift from someone who does not yet know that he cares for me deeply. Or maybe he knows it, but just can't admit it to his wife, my best friend. Although she already knows. Her and I, we're convinced that her husband is absolutely smitten with me, but for some reason, he just can't bring himself to say it.

I take a deep breath and stick my shaky hand into the packaging, hoping I won't have to retract it with a deadly scorpion lock-jawed on my middle finger, my most valuable asset. My heart is pounding in my chest, louder than the drumbeats in the climax of that drumming movie with that cocky guy in it that has that improv show on MTV. IT WAS THAT LOUD. [THUMP-THUMP THUMP-THUMP] I'm almost certain I hear the "Jaws" music playing in my head [du-dun du-dun] and I feel an adrenaline rush that finally motivates me to just grab it, whatever it is, and pull it out.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! No he didn't! NO. HE. DID.N'T. ! !

Crap. He did.

YES. IT'S WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

I threw those bad boys halfway across the room screaming and shrieking like it had been a scorpion. I might have been calmer had it been a scorpion. I would have known what to do with a scorpion. But a Starbucks thong?? Good god. And oh my god. And GOD! what was he thinking?

[Blush]

Most people, they would have laughed and then either thrown them away or stuck them in a drawer somewhere when the laughter ceased. But you know me better than that. For a while, this handy pair of butt floss hung from my chair at the kitchen table. But, when it came time for Mr. Life Insurance to show up, I thought it might be easier to move them elsewhere than to have to explain them. And why they were in the kitchen. Hanging from a chair.

Now they're pegged to my cork board - not in a aren't-they-pretty? sort of way - but in a way that reminds me each day that I must now do what it is required of me. Retaliate.

AA, buddy, you've got what's coming to you.