I have to say I was pretty blown away by the brave comments (and emails) on my interview with Dad Gone Mad Danny Evans. I merely mentioned my (continuing) bout with depression - which I've never actually talked about on my blog in any detail whatsoever - and you guys floor me with a courageous glimpse into your battles. I hope each of you buys and reads Danny's book because, believe me, it will make you laugh and think and strike a nerve that will force you to look at your situation.
I wish I could give each of you a book, but I've only got one signed copy to give:
Jen is the winner of Rage Against the Meshugenah.
I was very excited to be at Danny's release party and signing of Rage Against the Meshugenah on Tuesday where he read an excerpt from his book and answered questions. The photos are here.
Today's your last chance to enter to win a signed copy of RAGE (see below). For those who weren't able to be at Danny's release party & signing last night, all I can tell you is that it was funny, touching and brave all at once and that he (and his gorgeous family) are amazing.
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I don’t know how, but I was one of the lucky few who got to read Danny Evan’s (Dad Gone Mad) book Rage Against the Meshugenah before the final edits, before the final author page, BEFORE THE REST OF THE WORLD and I have to say that it was a privilege. Not just because I was one of the chosen few, but because reading it affected me in a way a book never has.
While I couldn’t relate to the parts about delayed ejaculation or the crop dusting (girls don’t fart), Danny’s depiction of the darkness of depression is chilling. Because [confession] I’ve been there and sometimes? I still go there. As one of MILLIONS who suffer (and I do mean suffer) from depression, I am whole-heartedly promoting Danny’s book Rage Against the Meshugenah because I think it’s going to change the way people – especially men – view depression through Danny’s remarkably accurate accounts of hell and cathartically hilarious memoir of being “nuts.”
You absolutely must read it.
Danny kindly engaged in a little Q & A with me – despite the restraining order he had put on me for stalking him in the comments section of his blog for the last three years. (I kid.) (I think.) Stick around to the end of our interview for the details of the RATM release partyhere in L.A. Tuesday (you’re invited!) and for a special giveaway at the end.
Me = Bold
Danny = Italics
So, little known fact: Your blog was the first I ever read. I didn't even really understand what a blog was. But you were hilarious and witty and had the same sense of humor I did, so I was smitten. At the time, of course, I had no idea you suffered from depression. Do you think a lot of people who are depressed use humor as a way of deflecting how they feel?
I think many, if not most people who are depressed find something to put between themselves and their feelings. Some use humor, some use drugs or alcohol or gambling. I think when you're in that state, you'll try just about anything to distract you from the overwhelming sadness and inertia.
Have you noticed that some of the funniest people in TV or movies or writers (even in the blogosphere) also suffer from depression? Is there any connection or is it just a coincidence?
Even beyond TV and movies, depression seems to be a theme among creative folks. Going back as far as Van Gogh, when it was simply called "madness," there does seem to be a correlation between mental illness and creativity. I don’t know if it's a coincidence or not.
In RAGE you mention the 6 million American men "go nuts" every year. Why do you think there is such a stigma against men who are depressed when women are seemingly so open about it?
It's based in the social norms -- the stereotypical roles men are supposed to play in our society. Men are expected to be hard, stoic, rugged robots who are stronger than their emotions and essentially feel nothing. When we're young, we want to play with superheroes and army men and toys that sort of represent that stoicism. As we get a little older, guys who cry or express non-heroic behaviors are labeled "pussies" and so forth. It makes sense then that when we get older, we train ourselves to ignore those feelings. That's what happened in my case. I stuffed them down so far for so long that when they finally rose up, I didn't know how to deal with them.
Having suffered from a deep depression for the last 3 years myself, your book hit a nerve. The way you describe everything from not wanting to get out of bed to wanting to die to feeling a hopelessness that seemed impossible to survive, it is a chilling reminder of some of my darkest days. Do you think the word "suffering" is fairly accurate when describing depression? And do you think those who have never been truly depressed (not just sad or down every once in a while - but deeply depressed) have the ability to understand what it feels like?
I was discussing with my neighbor the other night that the name "depression" is a seriously suck-ass description for the disease. I think suffering is definitely part of the deal. But there is also that overwhelming numbness that almost takes away your feeling of humanity, as those you're just a clump of matter with no real purpose at all. It's not just a feeling of being depressed. It's a soul-sucking disintegration of life itself.
That's where the hopelessness comes into play, I think. At least it did for me.
Definitely. Like, "What do I have to live for?"
Which is why depression is a vicious circle.
There is no "cure" for depression. But do you think you'll ever feel 'normal' again? Or is more about finding a "new normal." A new way of seeing things and coping with triggers?
I would say I've made it 90% back to "normalcy." The combination of therapy and meds and the cathartic experience of writing the book have put my head back into a place where i can go many days without thinking about depression. But I still take my meds. I still have to remind myself to talk with my wife about tough things that in my previous state I would have kept inside. I have to remember to be my own advocate sometimes. That's a little difficult to get used to. It would certainly be a lot easier to just go back to my old habits, to bury my frustrations and angers under beer or whatever other anesthesia I could find. So I don't think "cure" is the proper word. I think "healing" is more accurate.
What inspired you to write Rage Against the Meshugenah? And what do you hope comes of it?
Both very important questions. The idea to write the book was a DIRECT result of my experiences in therapy. I became aware that one of the reasons I was depressed was because I had a "career" that did nothing but earn me a paycheck. I hated the work. I hated to environment. I hated sitting in a cubicle. It was a waste of every day, and it was making me miserable. I realized what I really WANTED to do, what I NEEDED to do, was write about things that meant something to me. I took 15 months off from "work" to write Rage, and I think I found a professional satisfaction I've never before experienced.
I hope the book, if nothing else, gets people talking about depression, particularly among men. This disease -- and all mental illnesses for that matter -- are so poorly understood and therefore so easy to joke about. Depressed people are easy to label "crazy." What I'd like to see is the conversation starting and an open, honest discussion about depression. I want guys to feel like they don't have to hide from their true emotions. I want that whole image of the tough, untouchable Marlboro Man to die so that men can be healthy, happy, and accessible to those who love them.
RAGE literally had me laughing out loud at times and then suddenly choked up. Were there any parts of the book your wife was not as thrilled about you writing about? Like say your analogy to the Playdoh factory when she gave birth to your daughter?
Yes, there were times when I would write parts of the book that I figured she'd find too private to share. But I think it's clear to anyone who reads RAGE that Sharon is the hero of my story. There were intimate details that made her uncomfortable and self-conscious, but she knew there was a "greater good" to be gained with the publication of this book, and she agreed that brutal honesty was the only way to do this right. She's amazing.
You discuss your vasectomy in great detail in your book – right down to likening the smell of burning vas deferen to that of a mac and cheese or a Hot Pocket or Lean Cuisine. And now my husband won’t get a vasectomy. I just wanted to say “Thanks a lot asshole!”
Like I said, Megan. "brutal honesty."
You unearthed a lot of your childhood in RAGE. How did your parents, especially your father, feel about what you wrote?
I think my folks knew I wasn't an altogether happy kid, but they were certainly taken aback by some of what I included in the book. They've respectfully disagreed with some of my recollections. But they seem to have moved past all of that and are now genuinely proud of the book and the author.
In my opinion what "makes" your book so riveting and real is how candid you are about all the facets of your life and depression, without holding back some of the less than desirable moments or aspects. How hard was it to write some of the more intimate details of your life, your depression, your marriage, etc.? And how did you get past that?
I think readers can smell bullshit and partial truths a mile away. For that reason, I decided very early on that writing about my own depression necessitated exposing parts of myself that may reflect negatively on my character or my manhood. I guess I figured that if RAGE succeeds in helping men get help for their own depression--which could possibly save their lives--putting myself all the way out there is worth any potential embarrassment or criticism that may come my way. Sort of my version of "taking one for the team."
Speaking of which, your vivid depiction of suffering the side effects of depression medications - in this instance 'delayed ejaculation' had me laughing out loud, in tears. What's amazing to me is how you managed to write about such a serious affliction and yet keep such an amazing sense of humor about it. This, I think, is what will set RAGE apart from any other book on depression.
Thanks. I think I'll leave that one alone.
Wait - I'll answer it. The truth is that sexual side effects are a REAL issue with depression. Just trying to keep it real. There's no way I could have told that story without supporting it with self-deprecating humor.
While the book will definitely speak to men on many levels (an untouched audience in my opinion), I have to say that RAGE is also very pertinent to women. While we (men and women) may cope differently with depression, we still feel (or don't feel, as you've mentioned - the numbness) a lot of the same emotions.
Very true, but another goal I have for the book is that it can give the wives, mothers, daughters, and friends of depressed men a bit of insight into what's happening in their loved one's mind. But yes, generally speaking, I intended the book to be accessible to anyone of any gender, to be informed and entertained.
Which is equally important in my opinion. I think family members who haven't personally been affected by depression don't know how to deal with a family member who is suffering through it and your depiction of the disease is so real and vivid that hopefully people will finally "get" it. What's it like to feel like... nothing.
Do you think society's view of depression is changing or has changed? For men, especially?
I think we're starting to see some slight movement in a positive direction. A few years ago the National Institute of Mental Health pulled out the big guns and did an extensive study on men and depression. And from a selfish point of view, the way RAGE has been received by the general public seems to me like a good sign. Maybe we're ready, as a society, to start talking about this in a genuine, non-critical way. I think we'll know things are changing when more and more people become to step forward and say, "I need help."
It takes balls because the road back to wellness is a bitch. Therapy, if taken seriously, is hard work. Grueling on an emotional level. Taking meds is, as we discussed earlier, quite a challenge to one's feeling of manhood and potency. It's a rough road, and you need to be able to dig down deep and find in yourself the gonads to endure all of that.
Some might dismiss the tagline on your book "Why it takes balls to go nuts" as simply clever or catchy. But it's probably the most accurate way to describe what surviving depression requires. Would you say that's true?
Why does it take balls to go nuts?
In my case, yes. When you're deep in that hole, it feels at times like giving up would be so much easier and faster than summoning the will and the energy to fight it. It's an ugly, ugly place to be, and as I say in the book, depression is not for the faint of heart. So I DO think it takes balls to go nuts -- and even bigger balls to fight back.
I pre-ordered a ridiculous amount of copies of RAGE for my friends and family - those who are depressed and those who aren't because I genuinely feel people will benefit from reading it. And also? It's my "in" to meet you and have you sign them all. Has the restraining order been lifted yet? 'Cause I'm really hoping to be allowed in to the RAGE release party Tuesday.
You just asked me about delayed ejaculation, Megan. We're practically family now. You're in.
So what's next for you in the world of writing? Your bitch ass better not abandon your blog for bigger and better things 'cause us faithful followers will hunt you down. Or something less stalkerish.
Ha! I have no intention of abandoning anything. As I wrote on the site today, this book would flatly not have been written were it not for the DGM readers who've carried me on their shoulders for almost six years. I'm definitely going to try to get another book written and published. And I'm going to spend a lot of time with my kids, who took it in the shorts last year because I was so focused on Rage. Beyond that, it's a mystery.
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The raddest thing about this particular Dad Gone Mad is getting to meet him in person. Like, In Real Life. If you’re anywhere remotely close to the Los Angeles area this Tuesday, August 4, Danny Evans will be celebrating the release of Rage Against the Meshugenah at Book Soup at 8818 Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles from 7:00 – 9:00 PM.
Please show up. Not just to support Danny but to physically restrain me from accosting in him in a very stalkerish, but lovingly way. No. Really. I’ll do it.
You can buy copies of Rage Against the Meshugenah here. Not only do I recommend reading it for yourself, but it’s a gift worth giving every man you know – depressed or not.
Also? Tell me how depression has affected you (or someone you know) in the comments section of this post and I will randomly choose one winner to give a signed copy of Rage Against the Meshugenah to. Each comment = one entry. Enter as many times as you’d like through Wednesday, August 5, 2009 ending at 9:00 PM Pacific Time.
HOLY SHIT people! If you do not go back and read the 384 comments/entries for the 3 words said during sex contest then a) you're waaaay too cool for me and b) you're missing out on some serious cathartic laughter. 'Cause seriously? You guys are SICK and PERVERTED and DISGUSTING and HILARIOUS and THESE ARE ALL THE REASONS WE'RE FRIENDS.
Can I just declare my love for you all RIGHT NOW?
Sigh.
Anyway, the winner was selected via Random.org:
which was...
Congrats to Chasity for winning and MAD PROPS to everyone who participated!
What a bunch of ass-kissers! I can't believe that many of you would actually want to meet me. I'm not that great... I'm short, I'm mouthy and terribly boring. (And no, I have no idea what being short has to do with why you don't want to meet me, but I just didn't want you to imagine me all tall and leggy and then meet me and be like, Bitch! You're not at all what I thought!)
Wow. Me and tangents, huh?
Anyway... the winner of the signed copy of Jen Lancaster's Pretty in Plaid:
which is:
Congratulations to Lori! (And good answer, BTW. Ha!) And thanks to everyone for 'fessing up on who you want to stalk and accost. I'm sure your restraining orders are in the mail. Heh.
A little known fact: My husband has a nickname for me. Long before he was dubbed (and appropriately so) "Candy Ass," he was parading around our house calling me "Peg." As in, Peggy Bundy.
Now you people are smart. You've read my blog. You know that I lack a certain amount of domesticity, have furiously red hair and an affinity for all things leopard print. YOU DO THE MATH. All I need is a little wiggle in my walk and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and Peggy Bundy and I could be one in the same.
Needless to say, I got a kick out of your entries for the Who is/was your favorite sitcom mom ever? contest.
I also love how many people gave mad props to Roseanne. I could watch Roseanne reruns forever and not get sick of the Connor family. But what's so funny to me is remembering that when Roseanne was first airing on TV, people were totally hating on it... They thought it was rude and irreverent and gasp! how could a mother be so... so... REAL?? Seems to me, Roseanne was the beginning of the shift in the way moms were and are portrayed in TV shows. Because now? Ha! You'd be hard-pressed to find a mom who is a (and please, note the quotation marks, people) "perfect" mother on TV. These days, we like 'em flawed, dramatic and plain 'ol NUTS. (We'll psycho-analyze what this says about us another time.)
Frankly, I'm just glad the pressure is off. Because I can't live up to a mom like Carol Brady (and don't know that I'd want to, really) while simultaneously burning down the house. It's just not in the script.
But I digress. We've got a winner to name...
Which is... Apryl's Antics who will be receiving the cool reusable insulated Starbucks cup and $20 Starbucks gift card for her entry:
Thanks to everyone for participating! Ya'll come back now.
The last few days have felt a lot like summer around here with temperatures well into the 90s. Which is fitting since Starbucks has started releasing their Summer drinks and retail items. I instantly fell in love with these new plastic insulated cups that look just like the clear plastic cups the cold drinks come in, only these aren't disposable - they're reusable. And not just reusable, but each time you bring yours back into Starbucks, you get 10 cents off your drink.
And I bought one for myself. And then another, thinking I'd give one away on this here blog. Along with a $20 gift card to help fill it up a time or two.
So in honor of all the mutha's out there, in the comments section, tell me who your favorite sitcom mom is/was ever.
Enter as many times as you want, with each comment = to one entry. Giveaway runs through Sunday, May 10 ending at 9:00 PM Pacific Time. Winner will be chosen at random.
*Click to enlarge
This? May look like a large group of amazing people who came out to March for Maddie. And it is. But they are just a small sample of who is walking in her honor. There are more than 30 more teams across the U.S. are also marching for Miss Madeline Alice Spohr as well.
You can view more photos here.
