How to hard boil eggs

It's that time again. Easter egg dying. Unless, of course, you're Jewish - at which point you can sit back, relax and laugh at the rest of us idiots as we permanently color our fingertips purple, orange, yellow, blue, pink (it's never red) and green.

I have to tell you though, I'm kinda nervous about it. I mean, the dying part is really a no-brainer. And so is the hard-boiling of eggs. One would think. But two years ago, I took on the responsibility of hard boiling five dozen eggs and, well, not a single goddamn egg turned out to be completely hard boiled in the end.

Oh yeah, everyone had a good laugh. Except for me. I was reduced to tears because, well, frankly, what the hell? Even I didn't think I was that inept. But apparently I am.

Not only had I failed miserably at hard boiling 60 eggs, I had effectively ruined Easter. There wasn't a single egg salad sandwich to be had that year. And it isn't a legitimate Easter without an egg salad sandwich, BTW. Everyone knows that.

Last year, no one even asked me to handle hard boiling the eggs and frankly, it was too much pressure and still too fresh a wound for me anyway, so I gladly let someone else take on that job. But this year? Wouldn't you know it? I've got ten dozen eggs sitting in my refrigerator, smirking at me every time I open the door, acting all high and mighty like I couldn't hard boil them if I tried.

OK, so maybe that's true. Maybe that was true. But this year, my husband wrote down step-by-step instructions on how to hard boil those damn eggs so I am bound to get it right. God help me if I don't. I won't be able to look that damn Easter Bunny in the eyes and twitching nose if I fail. Again.

Straight from the inside of my kitchen cabinet door to you:

So let this just be a lesson to all you out there who are thinking of hard boiling eggs. It ain't as easy as it looks. Allegedly, there are precise steps that must be followed or the end result is, well, a little runny. Don't be fooled. It looks simple... but oh, you miss one little step and you are the laughing stock of suburbia.

(You know what? Screw suburbia and all the "Super Moms" who are all fancy and shit with their super deluxe perfectly hard boiled eggs. I don't need this kind of pressure.)

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Coming tomorrow: The Explosion of 2004 - A true story of combustible chocolate and a homemade double boiler

Comments

[Agnes]

Funny this post should come up the day after I received my Kraft Food & Family magazine in the mail. Right there on page 7 is something called "Recipe Rescue" . . . telling the proper way to boil eggs and how to avoid the dreaded gray ring-around-the-yolk. It says to . . . 1. Place eggs in a single layer in a saucepan and cover them with about 1 inch of cold water. 2. Bring the water to a boil, cover tightly, and remove from heat; let stand for 20 minutes. 3. Transfer eggs to a bowl of ice water and let stand until completely cooled.

[Dee]

I cook mine the same way as Agnes describes but I never put a lid on them. Oh and if you add salt or vinegar to the pan then if an egg cracks it won't end up oozing out of the whole egg.

Good job buying your eggs early (I'm sure it was on purpose) cause older eggs are the easiest to peel when hard boiled.

[Tamara in GA]

Your poor mama. This is her fault. She was too good of a cook for your own good!

[sally]

wow....i guess everybody,including Kraft Foods ,hard-boils their eggs differently.....or not....i always thought hard-boiled means you boil them,hard.....go figure.....i bring my water to a boil, having already taken my eggs out of the fridge to bring them up to room temp., put my eggs in and when the water comes back to a boil i boil them for 8 minutes.....after that i put the pan in the sink, run cold water into the pan until the boiled water is out....take them out and let them cool on a towel....haven't had any complaints from my family....good luck with your eggs....:)

[LED]

GET AN EGG COOKER!!

It will save you the head ache of not having them perfectly cooked. You may only be able to do a 1/2 dozen at a time, but so what, you still have two days.

Besides, then you can make perfectly poached eggs and beautiful "sunny side up" eggs without a broken yolk or a fry pan.

Good luck.