Culinary Genius

Some of you might shutter at the fact that I've never been - or ever cared to go - into a Williams-Sonoma store prior to this past weekend. I mean, it's a store full of kitchen crap. I shall pee my pants now in pure joy and excitement!!

Uh, no.

A lot of people will consider this a sin, but I, missing whatever chromosome it is that makes a woman want to be domestic or kitcheny or subservient or culinary, could care less about kitchen gadgets and pots and pans and dishes... I mean, I just know I'd be an amazing chef if I only knew how to cook. But I don't so I won't and therefore all the kitchen gadgetry crapola is wasted on me.

Saturday night, Candy Ass and I lapped the mall while we were killing time waiting for a table at The Cheesecake Factory. (Note: Try the Chicken Stuffed Tortillas. AWESOME.) Normally, I'd totally skip over the opportunity to peruse the Williams-Sonoma store, but since recently becoming full-on inexplicably addicted to that Iron Chef America show, my ears kinda perked up when I saw the walls of colorful plates and the stacks of modern espresso cups and coordinating saucers within the store and before I knew it, I blurted out to Candy Ass, "Watching all those Iron Chef America reruns has me thinking I might start plating your dinners."

All I got from him was a sideways glance of Are-You-Serious? and then he scurried off to the very sharp knives section. For safety. I might have scared him a little bit with my use of the word plating. I sorta got the feeling he wasn't sure who I was and what had the aliens done with his real wife? The one who favors thick, sturdy paper plates to fine china? I think he might have even started to get excited a little, like I'd turned over a new (fig) leaf or something, so I quickly caught up with him and continued my train of thought, eager to please him. "Yeah, I mean, don't be surprised if you come home one night and I've squirted the ketchup all over the hot dogs I've made for dinner in a fancy design like they do on the Iron Chef show with their magical sauces.

I think his shoulders immediately drooped and a familiar sadness overcame him (you might even call it disappointment) as he realized that in my domestically challenged world, plating still means hot dogs for dinner.

But I don't know... some may laugh at my ill-attempts to put dinner on the table (fires, explosions, WHATEVER), but in all the weird, fancy and unique secret ingredients (read: blue cheese, snails, arctic char) on the Iron Chef America episodes, I've yet to see any of those supposed culinary geniuses make anything amazing using hot dogs. Somebody call the Chairman and tell him I'm the true genius here, bitch.

***

And truly, being in Williams-Sonoma was actually very entertaining for me. They've got all kinds of weird shit that I just had to take pictures of with the camera on my Crackberry...

Now the sign for this thing said something about a pancake filler. But I have no goddamn clue how one gets an effin' pancake out of this very confused pan. And what does a person put in a pancake as "filler" anyway? All the pancakes I've ever made come with their own filler - white gooey, not-quite-cooked-all-the-way batter in the middle AND ALL WITHOUT USING A FANCY PAN.

What the hell do you need a RAKE for when cooking?!

A double mezzawhatta? Huh?

I studied this goddamn device for like ten minutes and am still confused. A potato ricer. Um, okay. Looking at the photo on the packaging, it seems to promise that if you stick a potato in it, the potato comes out mashed... and in a pretty bowl, nonetheless. Well I'll be damned! All this time I thought you had to skin(?) the potatoes and then boil them and then mash them with one of those masher thingys to get mashed potatoes.

Now I know the sign says "Truffle Shaver," but from the looks of it, I think Williams-Sonoma has it all wrong. It looks like one of the tools Candy Ass uses when he changes the oil in my car. And if it really is meant for truffles, well hell, why would anyone go to the trouble of using this thing for whatever it does when the good lord has made See's Candy? I bet for the cost of this do-hicky you could probably buy a whole lotta truffles from See's. Just sayin.'

Now we're talking. COME TO MAMA.

And I have no fucking clue what these things are, but hee, hee, hee and OH MY GOD!! [snicker]

After this exciting field trip into a Williams-Sonoma store, I regret not having gone sooner. You know, just for shits and giggles.

Comments

[Backpacking Dad]

I love Williams-Sonoma. They usually have free food.

And I'm pretty sure the truffle shaver is for real truffles. Like, the wild, mushroom-type things that cost hundreds of dollars a pound. I don't know why people like them, but they are used in serious moderation, so I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that you shave them so that you don't use more than you need to.

I also love hot dogs. Growing up my dinners were either spaghetti, Kraft Dinner (that's Mac 'n' Cheese for the Yankees) or hot dogs. Sometimes it would be hot dogs cut up IN the Kraft Dinner. I still buy hot dogs every now and then, just for me, to eat 4 at a time when I'm feeling in need of some comfort food.

[Lessa]

Hahahah! glad I'm not the only one that gets the giggles in stores like that...

[Philly]

I go for the free food

#1

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

There's a Williams Sonoma store near the bookstore I work in. I sometimes hear its siren's call. Overpriced plates and gleaming culinary utensils? Oh yes. Yes. They make me happy. Even if I never buy a thing, I sometimes bask in their glory. I would rice a potato like nobody's business!

Please, please, can we still be friends?!

[Sprite's Keeper]

Ooh! Williams Sonoma opened up their Adult section? I was waiting for the mailer!

[Debbie]

My ex-MIL loved WS and used to buy me the most unique things from there.

I miss her.

I love getting the WS catalog too.

[Lisa]

Riced potatoes are the *best*! My grandma always made them growing up, and I love making them too! It's really not that much more work if you already peel and boil; instead of using a masher, you open the ricer, put the potato in, and sqeeeeeeeeeeeze!

[muffintop]

Oh my goodness, you are SO my long-lost best friend. That is absolutely what goes on in my brain when I'm in a store like that.

[Amber]

I love the chicken stuffed tortillas at Cheesecake Factory (I also get sad when they tell me they ran out of raspberry lemon cheesecake too).

That last thingy is used with the colander next to it - it's for mooshing seedy stuff like strawberries or raspberries and leaving the seeds in the colander, so all you get is the puree and juice.

[Tracy]

Potato ricers are the shit. I must admit, I was a skeptic at first, but now I can't imagine potatoes mashed any other way! And the clean-up? Also, if you've ever been overcome by the urge to make your own gnocchi, the potato ricer makes killer potato-dough-stuff. Killer.

[Sam (The Edgo Of Insanity)]

I'm a gadget whore- I love to cook, but since the only thing my kids want to eat lately is chicken nuggets, pizza, and Hamburger Helper, I don't get the chance to use the ones I have.
Your pictures made me drool on myself. I don't know what some of them even ARE, but still...

[Kate]

I won't let your naivety about the haven that is William Sonoma stand in the way of our budding friendship. We each have to bring something to the relationship, and I'll be the one to bring kitchen gadgetry knowledge. It's a heavy burden, but for you, I'll bear it.

[Claudia W]

Pancake filler? I thought it was a egg poacher...shows you what I know! I knew about the ricer thing, but then Amber said it was for berries and stuff, so I was wrong there. Hmmm, I guess you and I are on the same train.

[Meg]

I have never even been close to stores like that! Why oh why does anyone other than Anthony Bourdain or those crazy people on Top Chef need a truffle shaver?

I could use a potato ricer, though. Looks like fun! And some daquiri mix!

[Holly]

I love W & S... I've never bought anything, but I love looking around. Do people really buy a $30 cookie sheet?!?

The cranberry daiquiri...that might just prompt me to make a purchase :)

[Becky]

The funny pancake pan is for making Æbleskiver, which are puff pancakes filled with jam. They're a traditional Danish food and very yummy, I might add.

Becky

[goodfather]

Like Backpacking Dad, I was piratically RAISED on Mac 'n' Cheese with hot dogs stirred in. I will now share my Mother's sacred, secret recipe: 1. Boil 4 hot dogs. 2. In the SAME water, dump in contents of Mac 'n' Cheese box (sans cheese packet, of course). 3. Boil for 10 minutes. 4. Strain water. 5. Dump in cheese. 6. Stir and 'plate' on your finest papier.

[Casey]

My mom loves that store and always gets us some crazy-ass gadget from there for Christmas. These are the types of things that DON'T stack in anything, DON'T fit in your drawers or cupboards and you never have a use for them. She also gets us their sauces and marinades. I guess she really wants us to have some culture. Why oh why?

[Maria]

God knows. I LOVE Williams-Sonoma.
This post was orgasmic.

[RV]

Did you know that we are related to Mary See?? You know See's Candy. Yep it's True Grandma C did the family tree.

[all things BD]

Oh, god the Aebleskiver pan. I used to eat those at the little Danish village near my hometown in California. Mmmm, puffed pastry with jam and powdered sugar. It just doesn't get much better than that.

[Tracey]

I love the crap in that store. But, yes, some of it is all very confusing...and needless.
I go for the free food. They have good homemade ice cream.

[The Yummy Mummy Cooks Gourmet]

I'm on the floor...howling!!!!!!!!!! Freakin' great post.

And honey, I can do things with a truffle shaver that would rock your world.

Well, maybe not your world, but definately Candy Ass's.

You crack me up...

Kim

[Collette]

I bought over priced square plates before square plates were every where from WS. I like to think I started the square plate craze. For some reason, hubby doesn't think so. Whatever, I totally did. He can bite me.

Oh and truffles = overpriced fancy mushrooms. My kids have a book about a pig digging for truffles. I'm not sure why they are over priced and fancy if pigs dig for them but they are. Although I would prefer digging for Godiva. I love mushrooms but I love Godiva more.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

RV's right. See's is in your blood. I use that as my excuse whenever I indulge. I'm genetically related, so it's no wonder I crave it at times. Who can blame us? And the potato ricer? You've got to get one. They're cheap, they make an AMAZING difference in mashed potatoes and your boys will love to be the ones to do it. It's like a toy. To this day PR fights to be the one to use it. It is sort of like playing with play-doh but even more fun cuz then they get to eat what they make.

[Undomestic Diva]

I'm not supposed to let my kids eat the play-doh?

[Binks]

I only cook occasionally but I go in and buy those kitchen gadgets for the hubby. That way I can make HIM cook.

That last picture just about made me drop my laptop, I was laughing so hard. I will have to hunt that down. My sister is getting a kitchen gadget for Christmas. My single sister. My very, very single sister.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

Double mezzaluna is just a fancy way to say smallish guillotine.

[Tamara in GA]

Only you would confuse sex toys & foody tools.

[3vs1]

I have one of those pancake filler things...Two words "Warning lable"