A letter to my missing-in-action friend

I have friends. Surprisingly. But yeah, I actual do. However I only have one friend that I feel comfortable telling everything to. And by everything, I mean anything. A friend with who my conversations frequently end with "that's normal, right?" A friend whose craziness can only compete with mine, and I'm not sure if that makes us both batshit crazy or whether we cancel each other out. This is also my go-to friend for status updates, whether it be "I have to do laundry today; we're almost out of underwear" or "Dude, I just spent an entire Saturday in the ER with my son and his newly mangled finger." That kind of friend.

The only thing is, that friend? She's on vacation this week. Yep. She left me hangin', so to speak. I have no one to update about the ever-growing pile of laundry or to describe, in dramatic detail, my trip last night to Costco. I find myself pacing the laminate floors of my home, my neck cocked sideways as though it were nestling the portable phone, but alas, no phone sits on my shoulder... no ringing coming from the receiver... just the eerie sound of a friendship gone dry.

There are so many things she's missed since she left me (two days ago). I started a list of things we desperately needed to discuss in great detail when she returned, but I fear some of these things cannot wait. Instead, I decided to write her a letter - an update if you will - of life since she's left. While this may sound a bit... much, let me just preface this by saying that this is better than some of the emails I've drafted to her in the past, detailing her betrayal in a series of similes and metaphors. And yes, because she left me to fend for myself. Co-dependency. Learn it.

Dear Tamara,

Your absence couldn't come at a worse time for me. The next time you plan a family vacation, it would nice if you could check with me first. Mkay?

As you know (because I said Screw your vacation and called you on your cell) Big T is down a third of a finger. You have 5 boys, one of which has damn near lost a few toes a few years back. I NEED YOU TO TALK ME DOWN FROM MY PANIC, but nooooo, you're in one of the Carolina's working on a food baby.

Sunday I took the boys to see Madagascar 2. Holy hell, was that ever expensive. Big T only made it through 3/4 of the movie before deciding he was over it so there I sat in the hallway of the theater, cell service and all, and no one to call. Because you are on vacation.

Vacation. Tell me again... what's that like? I've heard the term before, but can't recall its definition.

I may be coming across a tad bit bitter, but believe me, you'd be feeling the same if I were a no-show in our friendship FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

Also? Candy Ass is driving me nuts and I have no one to bitch with. If you don't get your ass home soon, I'm going to lose my shit for realz. It's not going to be pretty. If you were available, I'd have you calling his ass, telling him what's up and we could double-team him, like the good wives we are. I mean, this is practically a vacation for him, you being gone. Normally, he has to put up with both of us. But now? It's just me. It's like I'm working overtime and that ain't right.

And, I hate to make you feel bad, but you're missing out on some rather important issues while you lounge around, enjoying family and friends and other ridiculous bullshit whilst ignoring me: There have been some recent developments in the stalker situation, I need your cleaning know-how when it comes to blood on a garage floor and I, on a whim, bought some shallots. WHAT THE FUCK ARE SHALLOTS and how do I use them? These are all questions I'd normally throw your way and where are you?? Gone... 

I guess I'll let you get back to your festivities. I hope the relaxation and fun is worth the havoc it's wreaking on our friendship. But whatever. Try to enjoy yourself.

Left for dead,
Megan 

This is normal, right?

Comments

[RV]

I feel betrayed WTF? And who are you stocking and why dont i know about this??

[Donna in VA]

You are entirely too funny. Tamara should be feelin' the love.

[Krissi]

I am so laughing my ass off! What's even scarier is that this friend of yours soooo compares to my mom for me! Yeah my husband is just screwed!!!

[Rhea]

You need a stand-in. A temp BFF. They're pretty cheap if you don't abuse them too much. I have a feeling you might send a few running in terror though...just a feeling.

[Aprylsantics]

Shallots are hard to resist. They're like little baby onions.

I think you should treat them like regular sized onions and pretend you're a giant chef.

[Heather]

BFF's are hard to come by! How rude of her to leave you hangin'!

[Gemini Jen]

A real BFF would have ditched the family and taken a vacation with her BFF!! Just sayin'.

[Meg]

I feel the same way when I can't get ahold of my best friend. Except instead of writing her a letter, I tend to leave long rambling messages on her voicemail. It's sad and pathetic. Good luck getting your BFF back!

[ali]

i totally need one of those. only one that doesn't vacation.
:)

[Heather]

I miss having a friend like that.

[swirl girl]

I must say I've never had a friend like that...a live non ethereal, non cyber one anyway.

I should look deeper into the meaning of why.

White wine gets blood out of garage floors. Really - pour one glass for yourself (preferably a Sauvignon Blanc) and one glass on the floor. Wipe clean.

[Timi]

She's got some nerve!
There will be a day when she's in the same position and bitching at you about not being around and your like "seeee, how's it feel Bitch!"
My friend left for 2 weeks to Sweden. The first week was the hardest. The next week I just found a new "friend" to listen to me. I don't know what her name was but she was a damn good listener.
You need a back up.
Timi

[ash]

Perfectly normal. My bff has decided TO HAVE A BABY. seriously, what about me?!?! she can't pay attention to me and take care of this..baby!
Kidding aside, she is the one who reads me like an open book while everyone else is still trying to figure me out. We all need THAT person!

[WSU Laura]

Completely normal, in fact I think I wrote the same letter to my friend when she left me on vacation with other girlfriends. WTF??? Anyway I feel your pain.

[Susan]

What do you mean ALMOST out of clean underwear? Until everyone in your family has flipped them inside out and worn them a second time, you're golden.

GREAT letter. Sorry you're missing your buddy.

[Tamara in GA]

Megan,
I am sorry that I have ignored you. I think about you often, however this whole vacation thing is killing me! I have done nothing but cook fabulous high calorie meals, hold my children, visit with family, cook some more, laugh, photograph my boys fishing with their daddy & great uncle. Talked about family members that are no longer with us...laughing about the funny things that made them irreplaceable. Celebrated my 2nd sons 11th birthday all day without even one interruption from real life. Today I stayed in my PJ's until after 1 pm at which time AA came home from golfing & rolled his eyes at my effort. 11 years ago today I was in my PJs.

As for the blood in the garage, throw a rug over it. Shallots are nice to use. Please wait until I come home to jump into that. I will talk you through it. If you need me call AA's phone, as mine is dead. Please send my love to your parents this turkey day. Next year you can bring your family to my home & eat shallots with me.
Love, Tamara

[Tamara in GA]

PS Candy Ass needs to check himself. I WILL call him if I need to. Let me know.
TA

[vodkamom]

okay, get your ass over here. I'll be your damn friend for the week.

[Jan]

I feel your pain. My BFF was gone for a week and I had to make a note to reminde me what I "had" to talk to her about.

[Jason]

She's lucky to have a friend like you. And vice versa.

Now I feel lonely...

Actually I have some pretty darn good friends, too, thank you very much.

[Heidi]

I found your blog from Sprites Keeper. I am glad I found it! You're funny as hell.