Adventures in Black Friday Shopping

Or, I'm in a heap of trouble!

It's a real bitch when you venture out to go Black Friday shopping only to come home and be met at the door by your husband who says the credit card company called to verify "unusual charges and activity."

Especially when you were told to spend cash.

Yeah.

***

I woke up at the ass crack of dawn for a morning of bat shit crazy Black Friday shopping. Normally, I'm all for sleeping in and ordering gifts online from the safety of my home and the comfort of my pj's, but this year, I felt like I needed a little bit of adventure. Who knew the adventure would start in the Target parking lot and come to a screeching halt at my front door.

To tell you I took off in mad dash run when I got through those Target doors would be to paint a picture you could laugh at FOR DAYS. The sweet Target employee at the door was handing out maps of the store and while others grabbed a cart and oh, I don't know, walked (albeit briskly) to their destination, I cut through the purses, right through the bras and underwear, cut over to the toddler clothes and straight through the diapers section. EAT YOUR HEART OUT BITCHES.

Now here's the thing. I came for a few items that were most definitely not the Must Have Items, but when the diaper aisle ended abruptly and I was confronted by THE MOST AMAZING DEAL EVER on flat screen TVs and there were still some left (idiots walked... I RAN, baby), I had to grab two. Because I was allowed two. Two per customer. No, I didn't need or come for flat screen TVs, but dude! I got two! I sooo win!

Forget the fact that I had never grabbed a cart, but little ol' me grabbed two big boxes-o-TV and ran. Why I decided to take off in a sprint (OK fine - a pathetic jog) I don't know, since really, I had already gotten the TVs and had no idea where I was going next...

Oh. And did I mention I videotaped it?  

[I attempted to shoot some video of my adventures in Black Friday shopping with a little point-and-shoot camera that does mpegs, so the quality sucks but you'll get the idea.]

Adventures in Black Friday Shopping from Undomestic Diva on Vimeo.

When I took my mom back to her house, Wild Bill begged to come along with me home, just to see Candy Ass' face when I told him what I had bought. (He had thought I was going to get a couple DVD players and nothing else, so ya know, there was going to be a bit of a two surprises in my trunk.) 

I should have brought Wild Bill with me. To run defense.

Before my key turned in the lock of my front door, Candy Ass opened it for me and didn't mince words. "Did you use your credit card this morning? Because the credit card company called to report 'unusual charges and activity' on your account."

"Um."

"I thought I gave you cash to use. What did you buy?"

"Um. Do you want to go outside? Where there are people?"

"No. I want you to answer the question. WHAT DID YOU BUY?"

"See, babe, here's the thing..."

"Megan!"

"I bought YOU something honey. I sure hope you like it... 'cause if you didn't, well, that would just make you ungrateful, wouldn't it?"

"What.the.fuck.did.you.buy?!"

"A TV."

"A TV?"

"Or two...?"

"OR TWO??!"

"But honey, it was a FANTASTIC deal. And it's a gift to you. I thought you'd like it. And the doors opened and I just started running and the adrenaline! and oh my god! they were still there! and did I mention what a GREAT DEAL the TVs were??"

"I appreciate the thought, but you're taking them back."

Fuuuuccccck.

I called my mom. She answered the phone with, "I'll leave a key out for you." Wild Bill, who just 10 minutes earlier wanted to pop some popcorn and come along for the show, only said, "Fucking credit card company!"

So yeah. Now? I'm pretty much banned from Black Friday shopping. At least until I can learn to control my excitement and make wise "adult" decisions when making purchases. This apparently also includes auctions where in the past, I've become a bidder (and won!) totally ridiculous items (such as an apron... I know. Like I'd ever use one of those.) just because I play to win.

Aw well. At least I learned a few things from my Adventures in Black Friday Shopping:

1. Adrenaline and caffeine make for a very costly experience

2. I am way out of shape.

3. It pays to know your Target's floorplan.

4. I have a little issue with practicing self control.

5. Just because I'm allowed to buy two of something doesn't mean I need two of something. Or, see #4.

6. I need to choose a credit card company that doesn't rat me out before I make it home. BITCHES.

7. There is no good way to tell my husband I just bought two TVs.

8. Even if he's in a compromising position. JUST JOKING MOM!!

9. Returning the BEST! DEAL! EVER! the day after Black Friday shopping can make you feel like an idiot. After all, did you see me run for that bad boy? All that energy and... my excitement was flat lined by Candy Ass.

10. Politeness never makes you a winner on Black Friday. Just sayin'.

Comments

[Backpacking Dad]

More video posts.

The refrain of "all these people are crazy" was killing me.

And I was so stressed out while you were stuck behind that lumbering load in the diaper aisle that I wanted to check your side mirror for you for traffic in the fast lane. It felt like freeway driving. You win at cinematography.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

Backpacking Dad and I? We're running into each other everywhere in the blogosphere tonight. I think he has insomnia and I?? I have an effing fever thru the roof. So anyway .... that extra TV??? I think you've got a mystery aunt somewhere who TOTALLY could use it!!

[OutdoorDogs]

Holy crap. Was that moron in the diaper isle TRYING to get run over?! Geez...I'm sitting here going,"Just bump him! Give him a little nudge!" Totally. Killing. Me.

I read this to my husband who responded, "Yep. That's why I wouldn't let you go."

Grrrr

[shannon]

I had the same thoughts about the dude in the brown coat in the diaper aisle... MOVE! GET OUT OF THE WAY! WTF was he doing?!!?!?

[Krissi]

Oh I can hardly see thru the tears of laughter this morning!

Those damn credit card companies! What a bunch of panty-wasted, va jay-jay's!!

And to have to take it back, I simply cannot even imagine having to take back your "great deal".

So no Black Friday shopping for you next year, what did we learn from this year??

[Kelly]

OMG, I would have paid cash money to see Candy Ass at the door waiting for you. You kill me!

[BusyDad]

The Blair Witch Shopping Project?

You totally scored on those TVs, even if you had to give them back. It's like catch and release fishing.

And... Rambo was the dude who mowed bad guys down with a machine gun. And... you better replace your washer fluid.

[Shere1]

My husband would have LOOOOOOVED if I came home with two TV's at such a GREAT DEAL!! Candy Ass = party pooper!

[Tamara in GA]

H.O.L.Y. C.R.A.P....I miss you!

[Heather]

OMG that was hilarious, but I'm totally laughing WITH you, never AT you. Well, maybe a little bit. I love your commentary in the video. Dang! How much were those great deals anyway? Hasn't your card company heard of black friday shopping? Sheesh.

I was also waiting for you to hip check the lollygagger in the diaper aisle.

[Kate]

Oh my, that was nine kinds of awesome! You should have kept those TVs and then sold them on Ebay or Craigslist for a profit.

[Heather]

And now YOU are one of those "crazy" beeeatches!

[kd@abitsquirrelly]

Two TV's would be the ONLY thing I WOULDN'T get my ass chewed about. Dang.

[Jenn in IL]

Hi-fucking-larious. "I carried these bitches!!"

My best friend and his fiancee were driving up to IL from GA last week and, once htey got to IL, realized his card was not working. When they called the company, they informed him that there were "odd charges" and it was for his safety. When he asked for an example of an "odd charge", they said, "Well, there's a $9.76 charge at a Taco Bell in Tennessee for example..." THAT'S what they chose to site as a reference. They didn't have an answer when he demanded to know why they didn't call him to check before just shutting it off. And apparently, they could shut it off on a Saturday, but could not turn it back ON on a Saturday and he had to wait until Monday.

So yea, credit card companies suck ass big time.

I REALLY wanted you to just yell, "Um, HEL-LO??" to the douche in the diaper aisle. That would have been fantastic.

[swirl girl]

This is classic!
No tv's to three tv's!

I would keep one (or two) of them...

put the third on lay-a-away

[Meg]

Damn credit card company.

Just out of curiousity what were you going to do with the SECOND t.v.? I mean, I can understand one...but, two?

[Rhea]

You're hilarious. Just hilarious.

I like how you call everyone crazy yet you're the one video taping and running through the store. lol

[Erin]

Awesome. Just awesome.
Silly husbands, what do they know about a good deal?
I live in the mountains, so didn't get to do too much Black Friday damage, but I did enough. And strangely? Nothing I bought was for Christmas gifts, somehow, it was all for me. Oops!

[krysta]

you are fucking crazy!!! this is why i hated working at target! but kudos to you for knowing the shortcuts.

[Kat]

Doesn't the credit card company know it is Black Friday and of course there is going to be a little "unusual charges" going on in the country. Good lord. I feel bad for ya, I really do.

[Trish]

Ok, here's the thing darling. I am going to give you two golden tips of Shopping With Deception, but you must PROMISE to NEVER reveal where you got them.

1. Use checks. The whole "vericheck" bullshit stores have posted at their counters? Yeh, it's just that. I've written checks when I've KNOWN I had no money in my account (hi Hannaford Supermarkets! I love you!), so that's all bs. It will at least buy you time to put money in the account on Monday, and break the two TV news to hubs gently (preferably while having a little "fun time" - ifyouknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo).

2. To get out of the scrape you're currently in, find your MOST responsible tightwad friend. Tell hubs you are taking this Responsible Friend with you shopping, to which he cannot possibly object (super-responsible friend! She'll keep me in check! No spending!) Then bribe her with her biggest weakness (shoes? chocolate? male strippers) to let you buy whatever you want. Problem solved.

You're welcome ;)

[Momo Fali]

I am CRACKING up. First..."All these people are crazy" and second, that you were out of breath by the time you got to the shoe department.

[ali]

i love how you keep calling them "crazy bitches" while YOU were the one RUNNING in target. at the buttcrack of dawn. kidding, of course, i'm just jealous ;)

[Ashlie- Mommycosm]

I'm not sure which is funnier, your post or Trish's comments!!
Your husband and mine sound like they were separated at birth. I can totally picture a greeting at the door like that by mine. Which is exactly why I don't go shopping on Black Friday. I have NO control.

[Daddy Joe]

Candy Ass made you take BOTH back? Come on, he should at least let you keep one, because of all of that effort. Afterall, not only did you sprint in, dodged multiple people and got two TVs, YOU ALSO VIDEO-TAPED IT!

Awesome post and a great video to boot. :)

[Gemini Jen]

Here's the way you should have handled it:

- Your mom pays for the TV's.
- Tell Candy Ass they were "gifts".
- You slip Mom some cash over a couple of weeks.
- Tell EVERYONE that comes over how your mom gives the best GIFTS.

That's how a $500 KitchenAid mixer came to rest on my kitchen counter!!

[Kristi]

Love, love, LOVE the video post! But I think it would have been way more fun to tape Candy Ass's comments.

[ash]

I like your shopping style..no really, I do.

[Michele]

Couldn't you have just sold the other on ebay or something?
This sounds exactly like what would have went down between my husband and me. LOL.

[Steph]

wow... your Target layout looks EXACTLY like mine! Exactly! The ATM right when you walk in, Starbuckk, same fixtures, everything!!! AND mine is right by a Ross like that!!!! That was soo eerie because the whole time I just kept thinking, "but, she doesn't live in Paso Robles?!?"

I actually WANTED to buy a TV but was too lazy to go out that early. I figure I'll just pay a little more and go when its not as hectic:)