Miracles *do* happen

I don’t mean to get all biblical on your ass, but my friends, it is true: miracles do happen. But I’m not referring to the spiritual type – more of the “Oh look, my post-three-kids-saggy-boobs-look-like-a-porn-star’s-now!” kind of miracles. You know the ones.

Now I know I’m a little late to the Miracle Bra scene (say, what? twenty years late?) but the whole idea of squeezing my boobs so forcefully together to present delightful cleavage sandwich to perverted hungry slobbering onlookers everywhere has never enticed me the least bit – especially when the mere idea of having to put on an obligatory ‘ugly bra’ in the name of decency to leave the house for a trip to Starbucks has me popping Xanax.

And besides, in my mind, the Miracle Bra has always seemed liked a glorified playground for boob sweat that would undoubtedly force me to talk with a Jersey accent and dress like a Long Islander. [snap]

So I never even tried a Miracle Bra on. Instead, I stayed true to myself and prayed to the Boobie God for a real miracle: for me to one morning wake up with pre-baby breasteses that were perky and round and full and yet did not require underwire support but looked fabulous in t-shirts. Apparently, Mother Nature is higher up on the food chain than the Boobie God and has some sort of fucked up alliance with Gravity and together those bitches schemed and plotted and left me with… well… these.

But I’m not bitter.

I bought a $20 dress for Blogher. I hear we’re supposed to look nice for some of these nighttime parties so I bought an actual dress. The kind that will reveal my legs. I don’t ever wear dresses, like ever, so this alone is a huge step for me in the way of leaving my beloved Chucks at home while trying to act all ladylike for an evening. (We’ll see how that goes.) The only problem with this simple, $20 black dress is that the back is a racerback pattern. I don’t own a bra that criss-crosses to fit that pattern. So I went online to Victoria’s Secret to see if I could find a bra that would work with it. Of course, the only one I could find in stock, in my size, in the right color was… wait for it… a Miracle Bra.

Hmm.

You know what? At this point in my life, I could use a few miracles so, what the hell, I bought it – almost certain I was paying for a gimmick but at least getting the racerback bra I needed, miracle or no miracle included.

People, listen carefully: Miracles do happen.  

I tried that baby on today and was dumb.found.ed. I stood in the mirror, mouth agape, trying to figure out where the candid camera was because the boobs that I had just rolled up from my knees to shove into this magnificent black bra could not possibly, suddenly, BAM! look like this. It was nothing short of… a miracle! (THAT must be where they got the name!) Hot damn!

My only question is: Why doesn’t every bra do this? I mean, if women have to suffer through the agony of wearing bras every.single.day, shouldn’t our boobs look like this every.single.day? Seriously. Somebody get this shit figured out.

Now of course, this Miracle Bra – as fanfuckingtastic as it is – doesn’t appear to actually work with the back of my dress I bought it for. But you know, THAT would be asking way too much, right?  

Comments

[Ashleigh]

It probably would be too much to ask. I used to have a ton of cleavage. Then I lost 80 lbs and my boobs dwindled to nothing. I use "nothing" as a relative term. I used to be a 44D and am now a 36B. I kind of miss my boobs but at least they won't be at my navel by the time I'm thirty.

[Kristen]

Too bad they don't come in slightly-smaller-than-a-hot-air-balloon size. I know I could use some help in getting my boobs to where they belong. You know, away from the belly button.

[Miss]

I gotta get myself to VS. If your boobs are going to look fabulous, mine have to too.

[Adrienne]

Yeah, my problem with the miracle bra is if you are over a 40 they assume your boobs are over a D. Hard to find a 44B.

[Jenn]

I tried on a miracle bra once. And then laughed. Alot. I have at least DD cups. I don't need a miracle. I need a hoist.

I'm glad it worked for you though I would watch out for the boob-sweat soup that is bound to happen in Chicago this time of year.

[heartmychloe]

"boobs that i had just rolled up from my knees"

i laughed so hard i peed again.

thx

[Corey]

Skip the dress. Just wear the bra. Give 'em all something to talk about.

[La Petite Belle]

what about a convertible bra? did you look for one of those? i bought the VS plunge convertible which can go strapless, with straps or racerback. if the racerback doesn't work, just go strapless.

[melissa]

If your boobs look that good in the bra, I would buy a dress that works with it.

When I was at Target this weekend, I saw a questionable "as seen on TV product" and your post made me think of it.

shit, it might work with your dress and produce same effects as your miracle bra

https://www.strapperfect.com/flare/next

[Courtney]

I have never thought about trying a miracle bra until now...maybe my tatas have a shot after all!

[Meg]

Damn you Victoria's Secret, for not carrying my bra size (aka size GINORMOUS) in your stores.

but I am oh so happy for you that it worked out for you and your girls. enjoy those miracle knockers!

[Dawn in Austin]

My daughter wears those bras. And she is the last person on earth who needs a miracle in that department! Damn her for sucking me dry.

[pamela]

you can take off the straps from the miracle bra but then it would kind of defeat the purpose of it. I love mine. (see @boobemancipate)

[Andrea's Sweet Life]

I swear by my VS bras. I don't wear them every day though, because, boobage like that is just too much responsibility.

[Tommi]

Go to Target and on the end caps in the home appliance department they have the As Seen On TV crap. Buy the Strap Perfect's...they're amazing!

[Mama Bub]

Apparently I'm late on the Strap Perfect train, but I've heard raves. And for only $10!

[DCUrbanDad]

This is soooooooooooooo what I am not looking forward to later on in life. Trips in to VS with the Mini-Kamp.

And yes I am with Corey.

[Erin Jones]

Sometimes when I'm feeling extra special classy, I use a barrette, and just clip the back of the straps of my favorite bra together, ala racerback. Its even *adjustable*, yo.

Also, if you like the miracle bra, check out Express' new line. In. Love.

[Erica]

Oh honey, I am here to tell you! there is a REASON they call it Victoria's SECRET! It was life altering when I discovered that crap out! Best $40 I ever spend!

[Smug]

It's too late now, but VS carries a strapless bra that is fucking amazing! I have never been able to wear a strapless bra, they fall down and un-adjust or whatever and totally suck ass. However, the VS one totally ROCKS! I have a couple of summer dresses and I can wear this bra all summer long and am totally comfortable!