Bad shoes come to congregate at team mom meetings and other lessons

I am quickly learning SO MUCH from this whole Team Mom gig thanks to a mandatory two hour meeting last night for us team moms who were forced to volunteer. Of course, all these things I'm learning are absolutely nothing like I expected to learn, but whatever, Iessons are everywhere you look.

(That's me trying on 'profound' for size. Doesn't quite fit, does it?)

And let me just preface my little rant here by saying that I got yelled at by two different "ladies" within 5 minutes of showing up early to the meeting for not having my "forms." WHAT FORMS? They weren't sure what forms, they just knew I didn't have them. Don't get bitchy with me, ladies. THIS is why people don't volunteer. Help me help you instead of chewing me out for not having the ability to read your soccer mom minds. Sheeeesh.

[This might have something to do with why I yelled out "SUCKAS!" when they started the meeting off by asking if there were any new parents to the league this season. *grins*]

I thought I was required to attend this meeting of team mom minds to find out more about the upcoming soccer season - what's required of us as mighty leaders of our fearless players, what we're expected to do and what we're not allowed to drink do and say on the field. INSTEAD, all 100+ of us were crammed into a warehouse, some of our asses parked on unforgiving folding chairs and taught, via a lengthy slide show, the history of the sport, the league and probably some other stuff but my ass hurt so bad from sitting there I got up and went outside ten minutes into it.

I may be a little (OK fine. A LOT.) ADHD, but I wasn't the only team mom getting a bit feisty over the two hour meeting that was not going so smoothly. Now I don't mind showing up to do my duties, but when opening day is in one week and there isn't a game schedule or uniforms yet and they are refusing to give me a soccer rule book (do I need to know the rules of soccer to hand out a snack schedule?) because I can't remember the ADDRESS of a work reference for my BACKGROUND CHECK to be a mandatory volunteer, then excuse me while I sit outside on the curb and roll my eyes for exercise.

My eyes got a lot of exercise.

Good lord, of all the things I learned, it's that bad shoes come to congregate at team mom meetings. Seriously. I didn't expect to see anyone in a pair of Fuck Me Pumps, but when your leathery feet from a summer of flip-flops sans a loofa blend right in with your orange Crocs, it's time you break out the tennies, ladies. It's just a matter of respect.

Also? Apparently it's a suburban soccer mom's uniform to own a Coach purse. Noted.

Then again, what do I know? I was the only one who didn't show up with a clipboard or at least a (working) pen and paper to take notes. How in the hell am I supposed to hold my cappuccino AND my Blackberry AND a (working) pen AND paper? Besides. I think I can take notes on my Blackberry anyway. Via Twitter.

It's not that I'm rude either. (OK yes, I can be rude.) It's just that I felt like I was going to this meeting to learn something that would help me as a team mom, not to learn trivial facts that would someday help me answer one of the first three questions on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? If the instructor had been up there telling us how to get the slacker parents to ante up their $5 portion of the coaches gift at the end of the season or what we are allowed to *legally* do when so-and-so's parents continue to allow their son to show up with fingernails that look like he snorts cocaine or if we're allowed to pursue a lawsuit when someone effs up and forgets their turn at snacks (HEY. AT FOUR YEARS OLD, THERE'S NOTHING MORE DEVASTATING.) then I'd have been taking notes and running out to buy me a clipboard. But when you're telling me to police random people who bring dogs to the field when they're not allowed to or to "back off" as a parent because "parents are the reasons kids usually lose interest in sports by age 14" then sorry, I've tuned out. Card me, bitches.

I wasn't the only mom getting testy. I considered ducking out of there early on, but when I saw that a riot might be brewing, I quickly changed my tune and decided to stick around. To photograph. I'll be damned if I don't make it onto truTV some way, somehow. Those rowdy football dads have NOTHING on us soccer moms. {shudder}

Did I just refer to myself as a soccer mom? FUCKING SHOOT ME. Someone must have slipped me something at the meeting. Seriously. Where's the Purell?

Now before you get your athletic cup all in a bunch... (Oh wait. It's supposed to be way up your ass, isn't it?) Let me just state the obvious: I realize the league is made up of volunteers. Volunteers who aren't paid, who put way more time into organizing all this then we'll ever know and who are completely underappreciated. My mom, for example, was the original OG Gangsta of Team Moms. She rocked the position. She could out-do your mama as Team Mom any day. Me...? Perhaps it skipped a generation? Maybe the times, they have a-changed? I don't know. But she did it - and it was a thankless job - and she enjoyed it anyway. And here I am, bitching about it and we don't even have a team name yet. Ha.

And while I poke fun and make sarcastic remarks and VENT (gasp!) at it all, I do appreciate what the volunteers do because clearly, I could never do it. That being said, I just wish they'd make it a little easier for people to be volunteers. I'd bet there'd be more volunteers. You know, the kind that weren't FORCED to volunteer for something in order to sign-up your kids? Those kind. I still have to have my background check cleared (something I totally get and am OK with), have to take an online test and have them check my references and... next year? Yeah. I'm coming to the games to watch my kid play and THAT'S IT. That's my goooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaal. 

Fuck. I embarrass myself.  

Comments

[jeff smith (taylor900)]

you're brilliant!! and funny.... and i miss my mom so much... she was a great team mom... and she NEVER wore bad shoes.. ever..yep she was cool that way!

[chris]

My Mom didn't volunteer for school/sports stuff. Always found a way out of it (moving every couple of years and being a single mother in a Catholic school probably helped too). After reading about your experience, it is probably a good thing.

[califmom]

First, this is why my kids are signed up for horseback riding, welding, and blacksmithing. I don't play well with others. I figure my stint in a sorority absolves me from having to be a soccer mom.

Second, if you have any influence on who sponsors your kid's team, I say you ask Eden Fantasys, because how fucking awesome would that be?

Third, flask.

[heather...]

so this is what it's like to live on the other side of the hill...

[habanerogal]

Here I am in the middle of the night commenting again. I was the bad type of mom who didn't sign kids up for sports after age 5 because they couldn't give a rats ass and did I screw up as a parent? None of them will be Beckham or Gretzky but I'm ok with that and they are healthy happy non-team players.

[Al_Pal]

Blech. Sympathies, you have them.
;s

[Momcat]

Yep - Im so against any team activities I actively discourage my boys from taking part in sport! Kidding. Actually, they kind of prefer individual sports like skateboarding and bmxing which I actually enjoy watching. It looks like my youngest is going to try and get me involved in cricket though.

[Susan]

OMG are you for real? I wouldn't make it more than ten minutes with them. It's like soccer mom boot camp. I'm scared.

[Donna in VA]

I clearly see an outstanding soccer season of fabulous stories (from the grown ups). I remember those days! Sounds like it's gotten even snottier.

Can't wait for the games to begin!!!

[Jenny, bloggess]

This is why I never volunteer for anything. No Coach purse.

[Daddy Dan]

Hi, Soccer Mom!

You're so funny...now, where are the pictures???

[Courtney]

Yea I can't see you as the soccer mom type, but then again maybe you're the "next generation" of soccer moms! HAHA!

[Erin]

Aside from the obvious educational benefit and really important crap like that....there is another reason we pulled my son out of the school by us and sent him to a charter...I really fucking hated all the Moms.

I do not put on make up and heels to take my kid to school. They are lucky if I brush my hair. And you can pick out the serial 'team mom' in every bunch. Easy.

Hang in there. Show 'em how it's done Megan style.

[Merritt]

I tried being the team mom for my son's lacrosse team this spring. The Croc-wearing, Coach purse toting bitches said that they really didn't really need my help after all. Apparently I just wasn't their kind. I'm trying the team mom thing again for football season...here's hoping that football moms are nicer than lacrosse moms. Good luck with the soccer moms, they scare the hell out of me!

[Miss]

That's my goooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaal.

LMFAO

Did I ever tell you that on top of being team mom, I was also on the BOARD for our cities soccer org? Snack Bar Coordinator baby. I wanted to kill myself every single Saturday.

[nic @mybottlesup]

next team mom meeting: get your shit together and bring a flask.

[Sincerely Jenni]

OMG... I am laughing my a$$ off reading this, only because I can SOOOO relate to what are saying!

You hit the nail right on the head:

Soccer moms = coach purses + bad shoes + bee-yotch attitudes.

[Andrea's Sweet Life]

I'm pretty sure this is why my parents encouraged us to read instead of play sports. I no longer blame them, and kind of hope to follow in their footsteps.

[Claudia W]

I tried my hand at team mom to a girl's softball team when my oldest was "of the age". She wasn't a "sports kind of girl". I quit in the middle of the season when the EFFING coach told me she didn't have a clue. Since it was a first timers team, I kind of figured that they would be helping her understand the game and all what to do...I was wrong. So in private I told him to "F" off and left.
Not very sportsmanlike of me, was it?

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

Hmmm... Coach purse? Check. Crocs? Not gonna happen. (Except the new line which are not appropriate sideline wear). This is the exact reason I avoided the PTO moms like the plague. I overheard the PTO Pres talking about how disappointed she was that the rest of us parents weren't ponying up the way other school's had for the fundraisers. "Come on people, this is your kids' school!" Direct quote. Then she took her Hudson's jeans wearing ass to the parking lot and drove off in her Mercedes sedan. Bitch.

[irreverentmomma]

Amen. This blog was better than goin to church. Preach to this choir, anyways. Gonna need some religion to make it through that same kinda b.s. in this coming school year...

[Mommy Reporter]

Ha, ha, ha!! You are a very entertaining blogger. Loved the post, keep up the great work!!

[Amo]

My mom once got in a fight at a PTA meeting.

Hindsight, it was pretty fucking awesome.

[Ashleigh]

orange crocs and a coach bag? Good Lord. I would bust out laughing. If you and I were in that meeting together I would probably be taking pictures with my phone too.

[rachel-asouthernfairytale]

I just got roped into being the SOCCER COACH.
NOt just a soccer mom.. I was prepared for that.. I'm THE COACH.

Hold me.

[Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy]

Oh geez. I could never be Team Mom.

[Coach Handbags]

Great articles and it's so helpful. I want to add your blog into my rrs reader but i can't find the rrs address. Would you please send your address to my email? Thanks a lot!

[generic viagra]

What are the responsibilities for T-Ball Team Mom?
I am Team Mom and this is my son's first year. What do I need to do?

[Retro Jordan]

The outlay in your blog is clear for reading, I learn a lot, thank you! Wish you make a further progress in the future.

[Air Jordans 4]

Thanks for posting, I really enjoyed your most recent post. I think you should post more often, you obviously have natural ability for blogging!