A letter to the Wearers of Clothes in this house

Dear Wearers of Clothes in this house,

Perhaps it’s time I clarified the apparently unobvious rules of laundry in this house you live in so that you and I can remain on good terms and well-laundered without any confusion or pesky static cling:

1.       I will not collect laundry from every single room of the house. Yet? I find dirty laundry in every single room of the house. When your soccer jersey isn’t clean in time for this week’s game, maybe you should consider this. PUT YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN THE DIRTY LAUNDRY PILE.

2.       The way I receive your socks is the way I will wash, dry and return them to you. In other words, deliver me your wadded up, halfway inside out sock, and that’s exactly how I will put it through the washer and then the dryer and then back into your drawer. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO UN-WAD YOUR NASTY DIRTY SOCKS BEFORE WASHING.

3.       Speaking of socks, I also will not collect them from the insides of shoes or cleats or cowboy boots, from under or behind the couch nor constantly buy you new ones when you can’t find any because they’re scattered like stanky shrapnel in every square inch of our home. SOCKS DO NOT GROW ON TREES. TECHNICALLY THE COTTON GROWS ON BUSHES. BUT NEVER MIND THAT. I’M NOT MADE OF MONEY AND WILL NOT BUY YOU ANYMORE SOCKS THIS YEAR AND MY LAUNDERING SKILLS + BLEACH ONLY GOES SO FAR.

4.       Also, socks are not for fun. Because laundry is not fun. So no, you may not get out another pair of socks to go “ice skating” down the hallway because it’s “swippewy.” YOU ARE LIMITED TO ONE PAIR OF SOCKS PER DAY AND GOD HELP YOU IF I SEE YOU WEARING THEM OUTSIDE.

5.       It is not my job to extract your underwear from within your pants/shorts/bottom halves. I especially do not need to see your underwear/pants combo arrive in the laundry area inside out, crotch side out thankyouverymuch. KINDLY REMOVE YOUR UNDERWEAR FROM YOUR PANTS/SHORTS/BOTTOM HALVES BEFORE PLACING IN THE LAUNDRY PILE. (What’s a laundry pile, you ask? See #1)

6.       Just like your socks, I wash the rest of your clothes As Is. Meaning, As they come, Is how I wash them. You left your wallet with your social security card in your pants pocket? Not my fault. Your chapstick survived the wash but ruined the entire load of laundry by leaving greasy spots all over everyone’s clothes when it melted in the dryer? Not my fault. You left a paper towel or tissue in your pocket? TOTALLY YOUR FAULT NOW COME CLEAN IT UP. You left your felt tip pen in your pocket and it decorated all the clothes AND the dryer? TOTALLY YOUR FAULT NOW COME CLEAN IT UP. Forgot to empty the change from your pockets? Nice. BUT WOULD IT KILL YOU TO ACCIDENTALLY LEAVE A $20 EVERY NOW AND THEN? CHRIST.

7.       Because I’m kind enough to do your laundry for free (Yes, you heard me correctly. There’s a reason you have to pay a Cleaner’s to touch your stanky ass clothes – clean laundry is a service not a right), know that in return you must be willing to deal with the floset. [definition: floor + closet; a closet on the floor] It’s a small miracle that you have clean underwear, socks and clothes (most days) so asking me to actually fold and put them all away is just being a little greedy, don’t you think? THE DRYER WORKS BETTER THAN IRONING – DON’T LISTEN TO THE CONSERVATIONISTS.

Now I am certain if everyone in the house follows these 7 tips for laundry success! (felt we needed an exclamation point there!) then I just KNOW we will all be a much happier and better smelling family in no time at all.

Love,

Mom

 

P.S. Sorry you don't have any clean socks today. But I had to get a new blog post up. It's been a few days. xoxo - Mom

Comments

[Jane]

Bravo! I wish I'd had this list when my kids were at home.

[Mo]

I'm totally printing this out and hanging it on my husband's mirror.

[Lynette]

I'm emailing this to The Man and the brat...

but umm..? no socks outside? does this mean I have to put on SHOES?

[Zoe Right]

Do you have any idea how many mom's are currently printing this and passing it out at home memo-style? -or maybe that's just me.

[Adrienne]

Grandma's totally give in when the word swippewy is invoked.

[Snapper]

Heh! Number 6 slays me. I am so not a pocket checker either.

[Grey]

I know that I have ranted about all of these at some point. This is clearly the Mother of Boys Laundry Manifesto. I think I WILL print it out and put it on my fridge (where absolutely no one but me will read it).

[Avitable]

Wait. You mean there isn't a laundry fairy who does all of that for us?

[W. Lotus]

When my partner checks Facebook, the message will have been duly delivered. :-)

[Futureblackmail]

My stepdaughter asked me the other day why I hang shirts up inside out, to which I replied, that's how they are presented to me - if you can't take the time to put them right side out, why should I.

It's the little battles I fight so hard to win.

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

The sock thing? Seriously, I have that 'unwad 'em, uncuff 'em' conversation every damn week. I loathe laundry day.

[Karly]

I have washed the wadded up crusty socks for years now and my husband STILL doesn't understand why his socks are never "really clean." It doesn't matter that we've had the "it's not my job to shove my hand in your disgusting socks" conversation a million times, he still doesn't get it. Dumbass.

[corrin]

I actually don't mind laundry when the clothes are properly sorted and separated. My husband needs to read all your rules and abide by them, too.

Oh, and I keep any money found in pockets.

[Lace]

Love it! As mom, I know your pain. There has to be a support group moms and the pain they go thru doing laundry!

[Linda]

Can I just add one thing?
Don't stand naked in front of me and tell me you are out of clean underwear. Did you NOT notice this YESTERDAY whe you removed the last pair from the drawer?
Thanks, I feel better.

[deidra23]

I want to print this and hang it on my fridge.

[Linda]

Now I'll print it out.

[Mamablablah]

I consider any money I find in the laundry a tip for a job well done. ;-)

[Ms Sassy Pants]

This could have been written word for word to my family. I might just print it off and post it around the house.

Thanks for brightening my Monday morning.

[Blondie]

Just last week I found a crisp $5 in the bottom of the dryer and squealed.

It's the little things ...

[Laura]

OMG I couldn't have done that list better...all things I am constantly screaming around my house....you tell em fgirl!

[ellio]

lmao! would you mind if i printed this and posted it all over my house?? you are awesome.

[Chibi Jeebs]

My mom was the same way with washing/returning clothes the way she received them -- didn't take us long to figure it out!

[Jen]

I too got so freaking tired of asking that things be turned right side out, unwadded, separated one from another, especially the underwear still inside the shorts/pants (!! skidmark side up!! EEWWW!)... and don't even get me started on the chapstick thing!! THAT IS NASTY!!! So I finally said "ENOUGH!" and declared my independence. The answer - separate laundry baskets - His and Hers. I do my clothes, and since they are still kind of little (5 and 2) I do the kids laundry too. If he runs out of socks/undies/whatever, tough tooties. We both work outside the home, so he cannot say too much... I do take pity on him sometimes, if I don't have enough to make up a full load, but otherwise, he is on his own.

[Lena]

I think I will print this and tape it to the laundry room door!

[habanerogal]

I need a laminated copy of this for the LAUNDRY PILE

[the inadvertent farmer]

I'm printing this and hanging up in the laundry room...CRAP, my kids can't read yet!

My big boys who are off at college will be getting a link, maybe they will take it to heart and spare their future wives some grief!

Thanks so much for the laugh out loud post, Kim

[Heather]

These rules apply at my house too.

[Kel]

I absolutely love this. It is going in both of my boy's rooms and somewhere the hubby can read it. I am in total agreement on the folding part. :)

[Sara @heartmychloe]

argh....the pen in the dryer. it's happened a few times, and somehow i'm alway the one to blame. i'm printing this bitch up (in a LARGE font) and posting it on the fridge.

damn.