Hey you, mom with the 30+ hours of leisure time each week, we need to talk

You know that horrific feeling when something sharp jams under your fingernail unexpectedly and pain shoots through your finger, straight up the top of your hand traveling up around your shoulder because OH MY GOD that was so not necessary? It hurts.

If you think that's a bit of an unwelcome feeling, how about this: What if I told you that there's a study/article out right now that insists that moms - stay-at-home and working moms alike - have 30 to 40 hours of leisure time each week?

Read it. I dare you.

Then tell me what you think about John Robinson's 'study' and his definition of 'leisure.' I'm dying to know if you feel like I do. And be honest... is he right? Or is he getting under your nail like a nagging little splinter?

I want everyone's opinions. Men and women. Stay-at-home, work-at-home or work-outside-the-home moms and anyone and everyone else.

(And if you're in the Southern California area and want to weigh-in on this matter - on camera perhaps for the Dr. Phil show - let me know ASAP.)

Comments

[Peeved Michelle]

I do spend time on leisure activities, but I do it at the expense of things like sleep.

[Melissa Wardy]

I invite John Robinson to come complete his study at my house, where I care for a four and one year old, run the home and my own business, manage finances, do multiple charity projects, and have a part time job. I do not pee nor shower by myself, as there is always a child at my feet. I do not consider cooking or cleaning to be leisure time. I go to bed at 2am and wake up at 6am. I sleep four hours a night. and so if I am doing my math correctly... I'm not finding more than 1-3 hours per week to myself.

And before Mr. Robinson rings my bell, tell him to get a flack jacket, it can get pretty rough in the trenches.

Is his guy for real? What is his definition of 'leisure time'. His suggestion doesn't feel like a splinter under the nail, it feels like someone took my nail off with a pliers.

[Heather Cook]

"I was not living the kind of life I wanted," he says. "So I changed." Now, Robinson, who is divorced and lives alone..."

That says enough for me right there.... he can spend his time cataloging his time. Ok, that's enough snark....

I think the key to this whole article is that he redefines what we think of as "Leisure". I can bet that most of us define it as "doing what we want, when we want it and if we want to". He defines it as: exercise, reading (emails, books, newspaper)... to some of us, that's work.

He sums it up: "I just measure time," Robinson said. "I'm not a chrono-therapist."

He's not finding leisure time, he's just slapping new labels on different areas of our lives.

[pamela]

Leisure time? Who even has leisure times? Only leisure time I get is sleeping time. And that's always interrupted. Twitter doesn't count as leisure time because I'm hardly ever sitting when I tweet. WTF is wrong with this guy?

[Tootsie Farklepants]

Now that all of my kids are in school until at least 2:15pm, I do have more free time than when they were little but most of my time is used up running errands, doing housework, and a lot of time volunteering in their classrooms or at the school. And if you've got children preschool aged or younger you really are never off the clock because they need constant supervision. Having lunch out with girlfriends may seem like leisure time but when the kids are in tow you're still on the job...keeping them entertained so that they will sit in their seats long enough to finish the meal and forget about having a complete conversation.

I've more than once had people ask me what I DO ALL DAY, usually men, all of whom work outside the home. And I tell them that I accomplish all week what you all try to cram into the weekend.

And when I do take some time that is JUST for me, it just means that something that I should have completed went undone and postponed for later. Later usually being after 10pm.

If I want to do something like get a haircut or go to the dentist I have to make sure I do it while the kids are in school (something I can't do during the summer) otherwise I have to hire a sitter or find a willing relative. If my husband needs to get a haircut or go to the dentist...he just goes. I am ALWAYS on the clock. always.

p.s. GRRRRRRRR and I live in the LA area and would be willing. When is it?

[Jess]

How ironic is this.

First off, anyone else take notice of the overbearing male presence in the study of MOTHERS and the leisure time they supposedly possess in a week's time? Yah, that's what I thought. The extent of Robinson's definition of leisure is that of perception. What he perceives as leisure (playing a game of tic-tac-toe while waiting for a tow truck in a broken down vehicle for example) is bull malarky. Playing a game of tic-tac-toe with your daughter, yes, is a leisurely activity...however, a scenario in which you're physically present but mentally aloof does not constitute leisure in my opinion.

As a work-from-home mom, a chunk of my day is spent working for pay. Stopping in the middle of a proposal to grab an afternoon snack for the little guy and switch a Handy Manny DVD and then hurdle over a baby gate to save what I've drafted so far, is the furthest thing from leisure time. Based on that study, Robinson would have considered that 15 solid minutes of leisure in my week.

In the case of moms, leisure is something that, unfortunately, requires premeditation. My personal perception of leisure changed dramatically when I became a mother. Leisure went from carefree single life of late nights, movies, and spontaneous road trips to daily blocks of "mommy time" or vacations planned months ahead of time.

Ramble ramble ramble.

Damn I wish I lived in SoCal...

[all things BD]

Okay, you asked for EVERYONE. I'm a SAHM of two elementary-aged kids, and I have tons of leisure time. Cue tomato-throwing.

Part of me agrees with Robinson, because I also look at time waiting for ballet class or driving carpool as leisure time. I get to read a book uninterrupted or listen to my own music during those respective activities, and that's relaxing for me.

Of course, I'm also a complete slacker when it comes to housework, as I'd rather go to lunch with friends or blog-surf than vacuum. So I do. I let the housework slide and let the house not be worthy of a visit from the queen, in order to make time for myself.

Maybe an attitude shift is more what he's getting at, but I'm guessing it's impossible to convince a busy working mom to view things in that light. Because, yeah, 2 hours in a hot van with a small child is NOT leisurely.

[Nicole]

I have a funny feeling he would classify my second job as a leisure activity because I got a job doing something I enjoy.

[Stephen]

When the boys were growing up, there was never enough time. My leisure time consisted of things with them. Coaching Little League, basketball, constantly picking up and dropping off. Constantly either cooking or thinking about what I had to cook soon. We both worked and personal leisure was a luxury we seldom enjoyed. Funny thing is though, once they grow up and fly off from the nest, and you FINALLY have some time for yourself, you long for those crazy busy days more than you will ever know. As to my thoughts on the "study" and it's author, DIPSHIT.

[Jenn]

I do NOT consider some of those "leisurely" activities. I am not a mom, but I appreciate all the work that goes into being one. 30 hours in 10 min incriments does not count either. Consider how long it takes you to really get into a book, or complete a craft project, or listen to a CD...all more than 10 minutes.

In addition, leisure is doing something that you WANT to do, not making the best of something that you have to do. Getting stuck on the side of the road is not leisure because it is not an activity you would otherwise have chosen to engage in.

Also, I would just assume that leisure time is spent NOT worrying about your family, bills, deadlines, interruptions, focus, etc. even if you are doing it from bed.

I understand where this guy is coming from, but with only 10-20 min of leisure time at once, he wouldn't be able to go to Burning Man or Beer gardens...how would he feel about his time then?

[RV]

Now I didnt read the article, but this is how I figure "stay-at-home moms" get 30+ hours of leiure time a week.

If you get 4.5 hours of sleep a night 7 days a week that is 31.5 hours of "leisure time" a week... There you go!!

[DawnA]

I work outside of the home and I'm ALWAYS careful when in conversation to inquire if the person works outside of the home. Let's face it if you have kids you are working!

[The Mother]

Obviously, that counts the sleeping hours. Because that's the only way I can get 30 hours of free time in my life per week.

Hubby, on the other hand, who works all day, sits his a** down in his comfy chair every evening and doesn't move until bedtime.

[Courtney]

I think Robinson's idea of leisure time isn't a working/stay at home mothers idea of leisure time. In the article it shows he is divorced and no kids at home...so really he does have leisure time. When he says that exercising and toting the kids around are leisure, I think he is a bit off the mark!

[C @ Kid Things]

There's no way I would even have time to read all of that. But I agree with a few of the other commenters, sleep. Except I don't even get very much of that.

[krysta]

what a jerk...

there is a fundamental difference of what moms call leisure time and what he calls leisure time... moms want time and need time to themselves (without phone calls, texts, crying in the background) and he considers time that you had (finally) a chance to sit down, leisure.

while i love men but this is one area where unless they are stay at home dads or single fathers taking care of their kids on a full time basis where men don't 'get' it. but on the other hand sometimes i think us women need to learn to be selfish and turn off the phone and leave the house for an hour or so... if men have no problem leaving everything in our hands to get away, we should be able to do the same or why in the hell did we get married?

[kdiddy]

He makes some interesting points, but overall it kind of seems like if we just didn't participate in THIS version of American society, we'd be better off, which...easier said than done, right?
I certainly make leisure time but I do that by ignoring stuff that I should be doing. If we define leisure time as "the point at which I no longer give a fuck" then, yeah, I have that.

[Becky @TheRealBecks]

clearly, that's bullshit. i don't have to read it to know it. 30-40 hours MY ASS.

[Tamara in GA]

I got his 30 hours. What a little bitch. I dare him to come on over ANYTIME & try to carve out 3 minutes for me.

[Jen]

I think the definition of 'leisure time' is fuzzy for Moms because we are ALL constantly multi-tasking. So while I might be on the phone with my mom, I'm also getting my daughter a snack. Or while I'm checking email for a moment (and usually for me, that is Work Related, so how can that count as 'leisure'?), I'm also keeping an eye on my 2 year old and making sure she doesn't impale herself on the furniture.

The only time I feel I'm able to do anything leisurely and relaxed is when my daughter is sleeping. She takes a 2 hour nap the two days she's home with me, and I'm almost always working during those naps. Then she goes to bed between 8-9pm. I go to bed at 11. So I get... 2 hours a day for myself, really. And that's only if I'm not doing something REALLY EXCITING like paying bills or cleaning up the kitchen from dinner after she goes to bed.

The 2 days she at home with me, one of those mornings we run errands, grocery shop, etc. and I am sorry Mr. Whatever-Your-Name is, but that is THE EXACT OPPOSITE of leisure time. Try taking a whiny toddler into 3 stores while it's snowing and tell me you feel like you've had some time to yourself.

IDIOT.

[Heather]

I actually force myself to make leisure time. I'm a better mother when I do. (I accidentally typed 'bitter' the first time, but that would be what I am when I don't.)

I take a bubble bath almost every night - even if I can only squeeze in 15 minutes. It's worth it to wash off the 'mom' and stress of my day.

[karen]

After years of homeschooling, I looked forward to leisure time when the kids were all (all!) enrolled in school. Gosh, the things I'd get done! The clean house I'd have! Turns out that leisure time is a myth. I'm busier now than I was when I was homeschooing, and the house isn't any cleaner.

[Adrienne]

Yes, as a mother I have at least 30 hours of leisure time, perhaps I would even go so far to say that I have MORE than 30 hours leisure time each week.

Oh, sorry, did I mention my kids are 20 and 23? Oh yeah, and also? I'm RETIRED!

What a nitwit this guy is.

[Ewokmama]

Yeah...I want to beat that man over the head. THAT would be leisure!!

Honestly, I might have 30 or so hours of leisure time a week but that is only because I am divorced and my ex has our son 30% of the time. Even then I don't just have loads of leisure time to take advantage of - I have so many obligations and chores that are put off so that I can steal those precious minutes. I am doing a 70% job as an employee, mom, partner, pet owner, etc. just so that I can get enough time to myself to not go insane.

It's hard to know if the guy is a credible judge of what constitutes leisure time...he is divorced and it doesn't mention anything about any familiar obligations he might have (or is ignoring in order to get his leisure time). It's a cruel trick to say that moms have leisure time when if we actually take that leisure time we are inevitably letting someone down or leaving something undone.

[Beth]

I think he thinks like an academic and a guy. See, my husband sees this as leisure time even though I have papers I'm grading and discussion boards I'm dealing with. I'm taking a couple of minutes to respond here, so this is my "leisure." Sigh.

What troubles me about this is that if you combine his comments with the general assessments that we all make that we're not doing enough, not doing it right, not focused enough, it just heaps more freaking guilt on moms.

Plus, it's easy to say he found his leisure time now that he's divorced. I wonder if his ex-wife feels the same way :).

[Unplanned Cooking]

Yeah, my kids are 5, 3, and 1, so I would love for him to come to my house and show me where that leisure time is. Right now, I am commenting on your blog while nursing our baby on my front so she can sleep. And once she falls asleep, I'll start dinner. But I am standing still (although upright) so maybe this counts as leisure time?

Sorry if that was TMI. That study just really annoyed me.

[Adriennevh]

heh, use my comment,

[Peeved Michelle]

This is my usual day:

5:30 AM: Wake up, get ready, feed the dog. (Help the husband with the kids if he needs it, but he is on morning duty.)

6:30 AM: Leave for work.

7:30 AM: Arrive at work.

Noon: Eat lunch at my desk while working, or do MBA class homework.

4:00 PM: Leave work.

5:15 PM: Pick up the kids from daycare.

5:30 PM: Make bottle, get dinner started, feed the baby.

6:00 PM: Feed the toddler. Hang out with the baby.

6:30 PM: Get the baby ready for bed and put her down for the night.

7:00 PM: Hang out with the toddler.

7:30 PM: Get the toddler ready for bed and put her down for the night. (Husband usually comes home around this time and sometimes does part of this.)

8:00 PM: Eat dinner with the husband.

8:30 PM: Pay bills, do MBA class homework, clean the house, do the laundry, take out the trash, feed the dog. OR, do none of those things and watch TV or go online. (Leisure time!)

9:00 PM: I should go to bed now because I have to get up early. (Leisure time!)

10:00 PM: Get ready for bed.

10:30 PM: Lights out. Sound asleep.

Mr. Robinson can suck it and the Dr. Phil show has my permission to use this comment and to tell Mr. Robinson to suck it.

[Kristin]

There is no such thing as "leisure time". Even when I find myself doing nothing, sitting on the couch, digging into my ben and jerry's guess what??? There is probably something that I should be doing, or something I forgot to do. The basement? Hasn't been cleaned out or organized in 2 years. So yeah. No leisure time. I think most moms would agree with me too.

[Tanis Miller, RNM]

As a stay at home working mother with three children in school full time, including a severely disabled child, I read the study. While I was feeding my handicapped six year old and trying to fold laundry at the same time. Because you know, I haven't managed to find forty hours of free time that study assures me I have laying at my feet.

I'd like to hear what the definition of free time means to the author of the study because the only time I seem to be free of parenting and work responsibilities is when I'm in the bathroom or sleeping.

I figure I'll have all the leisure time I want when I'm dead. That's the thought that keeps me from running out of steam when I'm run ragged trying to raise my children and keep us all fed.

I'd welcome anyone to come in to my life and show me what I'm obviously doing wrong, if it means I could have a moment to myself to spend leisurely.