Where Candy Ass becomes a biker via a not so much mid-life crisis as it a third-of-life crisis

Seriously, you have no idea how long I've been dying to post about Candy Ass' latest obsession. At first, I dismissed the idea of blogging about it because, really, the jokes just came all too easily. (And who doesn't appreciate a challenge?) Then I tried the whole let's-be-mature-about-this-Megan approach and well, HERE I AM, blogging about it. Obviously that tactic didn't work.

Candy Ass - in the midst of his third-of-life crisis which has included a huge flat-screen TV and surround system that makes the entire house rumble like an aftershock of male orgasmic proportions - has taken on a new hobby to cope with being a 30-something male. (You know, because being 30-something AND a man is so. hard.)

He's become a biker.

There are only two kinds of you ladies out there reading this. Depending on which you are, you're either thinking a) come to mama, you leather-chapped stallion or, b) biker? really? becoming a cowboy would have been so much more RAWRRRRRR. No matter who you are or which you think, be prepared to be disappointed (after you're finished laughing at the whole Candy Ass becoming a biker thing of course).

The truth is, there are no 'leathers' or 'colors' (Candy Ass never was made for the world of gangs or organized crime despite his [frankly worrisome] love of Sons of Anarchy) and there is no Harley or whatever other brands of motorcycles there are out there parked in our garage or driveway. Nope.

Instead, let me paint you a picture of a man in tight strategically padded spandex biker shorts, a fitted spandex shirt that is designed to look like the inside of a man's upper torso complete with ribs, a spine (think that weird science dude you watched in science class when you were in junior high who wore a full body suit that looked like your insides) and - get this - a heart that's fashioned (and I use that word loosely) out of a bike chain. I call it his leotard.

Yep, Candy Ass is that kind of biker... a cyclist. Helmet, click-in shoes and a bicycle ("road bike" as he calls it to save face) with a seat that looks like it could also give you a colonoscopy.

Sexay.

OK, before you deem me a total asshole for making fun of my husband and his quest to be healthy and fit via leotard and socks special ordered to match his bike, let me just say that YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIM when he comes home from a "ride" and tells you over and over again HOW MANY MILES! and HOW FAST! and HOW MANY CALORIES! and meanwhile you're having to pinch your nose from the tinny smell of sweat, much preferring he saved the wild! (whoa boy!) tale of his trek for after his shower. BUT LOVE YA BABE! PROUD OF YOU!

Truthfully, if anyone can pull of a cyclist's get-up, it's Candy Ass. And he's lost more than 40 pounds in the last few months. So really? I am an asshole. But we already knew that.

Candy Ass just thinks I'm jealous (HA!) because I don't even know how to ride a bike. Pffft. Riding bikes are overrated. And also? DANGEROUS. Besides, you won't ever see my fat jiggly ass in spandex of any kind. You'd have to sew it on and cut if off. No thanks and you're welcome.

But hon, AWESOME JOB! 45 MILES! UPHILL! 18 MILES PER HOUR! Did you bring me back lunch by any chance? (Or something less asshole-ish.)

*

Side note: When I told Candy Ass I was going to out him and his new hobby on my blog all he wanted to be certain of was: "Make sure you tell them that the 18 mph is only the *average* speed which means most of the time I'm actually going faster than that." And then he does some little hand gesture that made me think OH MY GOD I'M MONICA AND MARRIED TO CHANDLER and whispers, "and yes, sometimes a little slower BUT MOSTLY? FASTER!"

I. rest. my. case.

Comments

[Miss]

Photos or that outfit never happened.

Also, you don't know how to ride a fucking bike?! WTF. That blows my mind more than your husband in spandex.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

Seriously, I've wanted to blog about my husband's latest obsession, working out. He's totally immersed in body building. But he'd probably kill me. I applaud you.

[Jessi Sanfilippo]

I am rolling right now. Picture it and them immediately commend me for still having the ability to type this comment whilst bodily flailing occurs in my living room floor.

Husfriend. Wants to do the Ironman. 'Nuff said.

[Kristen]

I'm slightly sad there is no picture of his "road bike" or his leotard :-)

[Mandi Bone]

My husband took up mountain biking. Which was great except the 900.00 he spent on it. Then his 3rd or 4th time out he fell off a bridge and fucked up his knee. It was so bad he had surgery over christmas.Good times.

[Elaine]

Yup. I feel your pain. I've been Mrs. Bicycle Man for years (22) and luckily mine can still rock the spandex! He tried to get me to go along with the road biking group, but I couldn't handle the "How Hard, How Fast, How Far" gig. (Excuse me?? 16 mph??? for the WARM-UP???) Give me a nice semi-mountain bike, a fire road and flowers and bunnies to ooo and ahhhh over, and I'm happy!

[Momo Fali]

This can't seriously be the first comment to agree with the fact that you are an asshole.

Also, PICTURES PLEASE!

[Lex (@laprimera)]

CHANDLER! ROFL!

[delainie]

My Dad went through this mid life crisis/third of life crisis too.. just be glad it's your husband you're seeing in spandex!

[Mary Jo]

I love it. I hope he really enjoys his time as a biker. I hate those seats!!

[Kate]

I need pictures.

Also, has he reached the stage of "I must shave my legs"?

[Kristin]

A) we totally need pictures
and
B) omg I laughed so hard I think I hurt myself! So many laughs, in fact, topped off with the Chandler Cherry on Top :D

[Al_Pal]

Awesome. In a super dorky way.
But hey, go team health! ;p

[Futureblackmail]

My husband is a cyclist as well. I would like to know how in THE hell we are supposed to afford all this crap. I'm sorry, but paying $1400 for a BIKE and then the matching shoes/socks/tire pump/helmet/roadID bracelet/water bottle.

And all I would like is a new damn bedspread.

It is making him healthier, I will give him that....and only that.

[Anne]

Oh, that is hilarious.

I agree though - we need a picture. At least so we can see how well the custom-ordered socks really match the bike.

[Yvette]

Too funny! We went through this one about 10 years ago, right around the whole sailing thing.

Now he has a scooter (no shit, I can't make this up) and is into fly-fishing.

Sexy as hell

[Jenn]

Oh my goodness, I can relate. My partner is really into biking and wants to do some 24 hour race. I also hear his "average speed" and all the little details. I figure I'll take up hula-hooping and talk about rotations per minute and such. Then we can call it even.

[statia]

My Dad's mid-life crisis consisted of our crappy home gym. Complete with every piece of infomercial exercise equipment ever made. It's not rotting in my parent's basement. My husband hasn't hit his crisis yet. I don't even want to know what it'll be. Right now his big thing is picking locks (not illegally, just padlocks he leaves lying around the house). He hasn't come home with any sort of sports car or gold chain or anything. Yet.

[Nancy]

Good for him and lucky you. Biker bums are totally hawt. ;p.

[Amo]

You're a photographer for fuck's sake.... Where's the proof?!

There's a cyclist blogger, fatcyclist, who's pretty entertaining. You should send him there so he won't notice the PICTURES you're going to put up for us....

[Stacia]

Granted, the wardrobe and accessories are a little on the dorky side, but ... have you seen Lance Armstrong's body??

[Heather Cook]

This was HILARIOUS.. .especially since I was just looking for a bike online and thinking about how fast I can go... ;)

[Apryl's Antics]

My friend was married to a biking guy. He was obsessed. I think it comes with the territory, like there's some kind of special biking pheramone sprayed on the spandex that sinks into their skin as they sweat (maybe the cause of that "tinny" scent).

[Corey]

When Lance won his (I can't remember which #) Tour, my husband bought a very expensive bike. Which he rode exactly once. It has been sitting in our garage now for at least 4 years. We even had to move it from PA to VA. He will not let me sell it, because "he is going to start riding it, soon."

Good luck finding your spandex shorts, because I donated them to Goodwill 3 years ago.

[chasity]

Ha Ha HA! I'm actually laughing so hard because I've been there, done that. Let me assure you it's a real treat when he starts chasing you around the house after a ride while waving his gooey spandex in the air asking you if you want to 'smell his sweaty ass pad'...

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