You say potato, I say filet mignon. The right way.

Let me tell you a little something about Candy Ass. He is a Candy. Ass. I know what you're thinking: Way to use your words, Megan. But really, there's no better way to describe him which is why when I started this here blog I gave him that moniker. 

Things are so much clearer for you now, aren't they? 

Anyway.

Every day on his way home from work, Candy Ass calls me and talks to me as he makes his commute from the craziness that is work to the complete chaos that is home. And before you get all Wow. How sweet of him to call you every day! Let me just give you a little taste of what these conversations entail.

Our last deep conversation (and it is *still* on-going, kill me now) dealt with the correct pronounciation of "filet mignon." Don't get me started on how brown-skinned, bushy-eyebrowed Candy Ass suddenly acquires a French accent when saying "filet mignon" (correctly pronounced: fi-lay min-yawn, btw) brutually butchers the cut of meat (heh) by pronouncing it fi-laaaay mi-yah. JUNK! PUNCH! STAB!

But today, something else was on his mind...

Him: Have you bought me a handkerchief yet?

ME: Um, noooo. Was I supposed to?

Him: Yeah, I've asked you like 3 times.

ME: Why would you need a handkerchief?

Him: To wrap around my head while working out.

ME: *stifling laughter* You mean you need a sweatband?

Him: NO! No... I don't need One Of Those.

ME: Oh what? You're too "cool" to wear a sweatband?

Him: Uh, yeah.

ME: I think you mean you want a bandana to wrap around your head then.

Him: No, a handkerchief.

ME: Noooo, a bandana. A handkerchief is something you wipe your nose on. A bandana is something you wrap around your head.

Him: No, you're wrong.

ME: No, YOU'RE WRONG.

Him: IT'S CALLED A HANDKERCHIEF.

ME: IF YOU WANT TO WIPE SNOT ON IT THEN YES, IT IS A HANDKERCHIEF. IF YOU WANT TO WRAP IT AROUND YOUR HEAD IT'S A GODDAMN BANDANA.

Him: Fine. I need a bandana. Have you bought me one? I've asked you like 3 times.

ME: *reaches through phone, grabs his balls and switches the testes*
____________________________

To the men who read my blog, I'm sorry you had to read that last line. But really? It's not like you've never heard that threat before. And if you haven't, well now you have and now you know how I roll and if anything, whoop-dee-doo and congratulations to Candy Ass, suddenly there's a few people on his side. For once. AND MAY I NEVER KNOW WHO YOU ARE. *TWIST*

Comments

[A Vapid Blonde]

It is really apparent Candy Ass needs a 'Doo Rag'.

Nuff said.

I would also spell it this way

fee lay min-ynon. Avec bernaise et pommes frites.

Homemade of course.

The one meal I can cook with my eyes shut!

[taylor900 (jeff)]

luckily I'm too tall for you to reach my testes as I run...

[Pop and Ice]

Conversations like that are why you employ the "hang up" button. Which starts a whole new conversation...

[Shnerfle]

Why do they insist upon arguing? As if there is ANY chance that we are incorrect. *snort*

[UD {Megan}]

@Pop and Ice - Oh this is a whole other blog post. TECHNICALLY, it's not hanging up in an angry WE NEED COUNSELING kind of way if before abruptly ending the call by pushing "off" we blurt out "I love you" first. But if the person doesn't say "I love you?" oh. my. god. the marriage just might be over. At least for the next week or two.

[Tracy (AKA The Mayor!)]

Yep, unless he happens to be an 80 year old gomer, he does not need a handkerchief LOL. Why are men such Penis Heads??? I JUST had an argument with my own about bikes....he was CERTAIN girls bikes had the bar down, boys had the bar straight across....my BFF & I KNOW our bikes growing up had the bar ACROSS, & boys were down so they didn't "bag" themselves. He got right pissed, insisting TWO of us were wrong. Like we don't know what the bike we each rode for 10 frikkin years looked like. I don't give a crap what they do now, the discussion was about OUR bikes back then....he's lucky I didn't demonstrate what I meant by getting bagged...but I couldn't because this too took place OVER THE PHONE!! hahahahaha! Sorry, too much?? Just needed to vent LOL! :-D

[Miss Grace]

You are correct, it's a bandana.

[Kevin]

It's pronounced fi-lay min-yawn. A handkerchief is a white cloth you blow snot on and a bandana is a colored, patterned gang symbol-- er, sweat rag.

And I have NEVER heard of switched testes! And I'm a dude.

And girls bikes are the ones with the downward slanted bar, BECAUSE in ye olden days women had to be able to mount and ride the bikes while wearing dresses and it was undignified to hike their legs up too high.

However, Tracy should certainly know damn well what kind of bike SHE rode.

[wn]

.,....new to your blog, new to Candy Ass....:*)....but damn that's funny!

...and damn, that conversation could have taken place at our house ANY day of the week!

...except it would be in French (so filet mignon would not be an issue) and it would probably be dumber and require me to open bottle of vodka at the end!

PS - I am french canadian...but I think bandana would be the right term here, non?

[Donna in VA]

Truly, you are funny as Hell.
Oh! And right too! Of course.

[The Mother]

Those are the kinds of conversations I have with my language-picky geek kids. Luckily, not my husband, with whom I have a somewhat more high-brow relationship.

[Miss]

Well? Did you get him one yet or what? You could have while you were writing this you know.

(HEH. Sorry.)

[Issa]

personally i think you should find a grandma to put his initials on a handkerchief and say there ya go dude. when he says it wasn't what he wanted, say well is what you asked for 3 TIMES!!!!!

[Chibi Jeebs]

Thank you for the new threat. *adds to arsenal*

[Ren]

No words.

[Kerry]

Bahaha! I am always threatening to "switch 'em"!

[MollyMcB]

I'm with Issa - he wants a handkerchief, get him a handkerchief! They know what they need don't they? HA! Thank God my husband knows that I know better!

[nike shox onine]

Every tragedy makes heroes of common people.