Dear Angry Birds, Thank you for teaching me the geometry my high school teacher never did

I tried. I trrrriiiieeeeddd to stay away from the whole OHMIGAWD! ZOMG! ANGRY BIRDS! I'M SO ADDICTED trend because I'm very hard-headed determined that way to be the only one on Facebook not asking for a hoe for my farm or a AR-15 for my mafia. I mean, how can I tweet about how annoying that stuff is if I'm doing it too?

At first it was really easy to fend off the Angry Birds attack. I don't have an iPhone (I'm anti-AT&T like that) and Candy Ass keeps his iPad with him at all times and Blackberry, well, those fuckers can't seem to get on board with the apps people go ape-shit over so I'm off in la la oblivious land, all smug and shit because I? can't be bothered by those Angry Birds. No matter that it's only because I don't have access to them.

But then. THEN. Right there on the couch practically calling out to me last Saturday sat a lonely iPad beckoning a little companionship. 

*poke*

My pupils dilate in symphony with the backlit screen powering up and there I see it - the Angry Birds icon - and I'm certain I hear it squawking "play me, play me." And so I did.

Every free lovin' moment I've had since Saturday, I've played. I've launched. I've boomeranged. I've bombed. I've cursed. I've looked at the clock to see it was 1:00 am. But it was just 9:30! What the hell? Wood. Stone. Ice. CRASH! BOOM! KABLAAAM! DRY EYES!

And just like that I became one of them.

Wow. You'll have to excuse me for a second be cause that? was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Only now can I freely bitch about how much I hate those green toucan boomeranging birds and how I want to scream whenever I reach a level with those fucking chickens that I-swear-to-god shit the egg backwards. Only now can I tell you that I'm pretty bad ass with the big fat red birds, find the small red birds completely useless and wish I'd paid a whole lot more attention during geometry in high school when it comes to those yellow triangular birds.

[Dear Public Schools Everywhere: Angry Birds is teaching geometry more effectively than you are. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.]

I do have to admit that I'm a bit worried for the pork industry though. The adrenaline rush that comes with blowing up those goddamn smug pigs (especially the asshole ones with the mustaches and hard hats) scares me a little. It's so satisfying to see those bastards go from blinky to bruised and black-eyed to GONE MOTHERFUCKERS! It just feels gooooood.

Well shit. There goes my career as a cop. Ah well, more time to play Angry Birds. *shifty eyes*

Comments

[EmmieJ]

First it was Jersey Housewives or the Real Situation of Jersey Country or whatever it's called...now this?!?!?! It's like I don't know you any more.

[EmmieJ]

Also? The security word was up4feb. So what are we doing in February and OF COURSE I'm up for it!

[Futureblackmail]

I confiscated my husband's iPhone for this very reason. When he had to take his phone back "to work" - I googled "Angry Birds" trying to find a Wii version or a PS3 version - anything.

What I found instead? Ostrich's have anger management problems.

Awesome.

[Bittersweet Confusion aka SweetyfromNYC]

I never thought of Angry Birds being educational. Now I tell the hubby that the countless hours I spent playing instead of reading a book or cooking dinner or cleaning... was to enrich my knowledge of geometrical concepts. Thanks UD!

[Nancy]

Have you tried Plants vs. Zombies? It's not as cheap as Angry Birds, but that's one addictive game too.

[Brian]

Looks like I'm safe, we don't have an IAnything to play it on, and my phone is almost as dumb as I am.

Whew.

[Kevin]

Ooo. Thanks for reminding me! I have to go cast my line in Fish Wrangler... Have you tried Fish Wrangler? You gotta try-- OK, Just kidding...

Also, I have never even seen (well, that's not true, 'cause you tweeted a pic the other day) Angry Birds, let alone play it. So NOW, it seems I'M the only one left...

[Al_Pal]

Eeeeeyah. Glad none of those iThings are in my house, lol.

[Babitos's Dad]

Make sure Candy Ass doesn't download 'Cut the Rope'. It's even more addicting than Angry Birds!

[Maria, the Awesome]

My husband just got sucked into that game last night! Seriously! I haven't tried it yet but I know when I do IT'S ON!

P.S. You don't have to have an iphone or ipad to play that game, we have Verizon and my husband has a Droid.

[becky]

The little red birds SUCK ass. Agreed. And my husband doesn't like the big red birds but i love them! They are bad ass. I am SO addicted and have already beat the original game AND the halloween one! I NEED MORE!

[Issa]

Have you gotten Angry Birds Halloween too?

[arizona auctions]

Learning is not all from school, yet it's all about experience.