You know why something is called an abomination? Because it bombs. A-BOMB-INATION. Not bomb as in "that's so bomb" like the cool people used to say when that was one of the cool things cool people would say but bomb as in FAIL, IMPLODE, SUCKAGE. Take your pick.
Upon shopping for my sister RV's upcoming nuptials I have come across an amazing array of fashion abominations [KABLAAAM!] and have decided that if designers gave half a shit about what the world looks like they would have never invented the sweater dress for starters.
The sweater dress is one of those rare creatures - not unlike white rimmed sunglasses - where only 2 percent of the population can actually pull them off and look somewhat fashionable. Of course if you're part of this 2 percent, I don't like you, we're not friends and you're not even reading this so why am I apologizing? I have no idea. The other 98 percent of us have a responsibility to ourselves and to our fellow human beings who have to live, shop and carry on amongst us to understand that (and say it with me) WE DO NOT LOOK GOOD in a bulky, woven, sweaty, wooley mess that does nothing for our figure except accentuate its wideness. And when is the last time you were hoping to accentuate your wideness? Yeaaah. Wear a sweater dress in white or cream and you might as well pin a red flag to your ass to alert other pedestrian traffic. You know, as a safety precaution.
Of course, I say none of this to be mean - it's more of a kind, courteous public service announcement if you will - so that you don't show up to some meet-up/tweet-up/party/Quinceañera wearing your white rimmed sunglasses a la Snooki and dammit if I don't have to be the one to say "Um... NOOOOOOO-HO-HO."
And this is the prettiest I've seen her. So.
In my journeys through store after store, malls and outlets to find not the perfect outfits but just ones that won't make me fidget and cry when I put them on because OH MY GOD WHO SAID WE SHOULD DRESS UP FOR THIS? I saw a lot of wrong shit. You know, fashion-wise. It's like wrong was sewn right into the seams of clothes everywhere I looked.
On my fashion shit list is a supposedly must-have! for this winter according to all the fashion magazines who, by the way, were also perpetually wrong during the 80s I might point out. I don't know about you but I just can't wrap my head around furry Ugg-like high-heeled clogs. You heard me. Let's just dissect what I just said wrote because they are wrong on too many levels to merely mention and move on.
First, they're clogs. We could honestly just stop right there. Clogs? THE END. Pass right by that shelf and move on. <-- Free advice. I mean, did we not learn in the early 90s when we briefly went back to the whole 'maybe clogs would be a good idea again' thing and quickly learned that no, no they aren't? They never were. They're costume props now. Secondly, these clogs are having an identity crisis which isn't all that surprising for an item this old I suppose. Are they clogs? Are they Uggs? Are they hard ass wooden torture devices or are they soft fuzzy furry torture devices? We *know* they're fashion torture devices. Lastly, high heeled clogs? You can't see me but I'm gagging.
I will admit to have finally jumped on board the skinny jeans fad though I have to scratch my head in total bewilderment when I see a skinny girl or woman wearing a pair two sizes too small which consequently makes her look overweight and love-handle-ish at which point I want to say "Oh dear, hon, just buy a size 4 instead of a 0 and you'll look less Jimmy Dean and more Park Avenue."
No offense to Jimmy Dean.
While I converted from anti-skinny jean to the 'alrighty, I can shimmy into a pair of these suckers on my non-fat days' philosophy, you will not see me reliving my tween years by revisiting the leggings with stirrups on the bottom. Remember those? They're baaaaack. With a fucking vengeance. And it's not pretty. It wasn't pretty then and nothing magical happened in the last 20 years to make them pretty now. If you could sew the sound of nails on a chalkboard I imagine this is what it would look like:
God help me if I discover a bodysuit with those ill-placed snaps. Remember that? It's next, I know it. BRACE YOUR COOCHIES AND STOCK UP ON MONISTAT BITCHES.
Not to be all the fashion glass of diet water is half empty on you, here are a few fashion trends I am definitely digging:
- Dark purple/grape-colored nail polish (Try OPI by Sephora's "Just A Little Dangerous")
- Jersey dresses
- Dresses with pockets!
- Militant styles (cargo pants/jackets) and colors (dark green/khaki) with a fitted feminine twist
- Your mom (OK. Fine. I just said that to be a dick.) (Sorry.)
What are you digging and despising in the fashion world?
Gladiator shoes. Fuck those things. They were ugly in the Roman Empire and they STILL ARE.
Oh and "office attire" does not equal hooker shoes. Someone needs to send that memo to my office.
Posted by: Miss | 19 October 2010 at 08:37 PM
I like clogs. Bitch.
Posted by: Tamara in TX | 19 October 2010 at 08:37 PM
Tamara in TX: LOLOLOLOLOLOL - I'll buy you some Birkenstocks for Summer. ;)
Posted by: Megan, Undomestic Diva | 19 October 2010 at 08:41 PM
Quietly putting away the sweater dress and leggings I just bought....
The dress is thin though, I live in fl and dont want to die.
I second the dark purple polish. LOVE.
Posted by: Jenni | 19 October 2010 at 08:42 PM
Jenni: I have faith that you're in the 2 percent. And I'm willing to try and be friends despite that. LOL :)
Posted by: Megan, Undomestic Diva | 19 October 2010 at 08:44 PM
I hear that the leggings that look like jeans are popular (vomit) They are being called jeggings GAH Some things just shouldn't leave the house unless the person weighs as much as a sparrow
Posted by: habanerogal | 19 October 2010 at 08:52 PM
I have been throwing up in my mouth a bit every time I try to shop for clothes.... And I say try because I have been unable to find anything for myself except a few pairs of underwear.
Also, worse than stirrup pants and the adult onesie, is the sandal with attached knee high sock...
Posted by: Maile | 19 October 2010 at 08:57 PM
I recently tried on what I thought was a really nice sweater... until the punk-ass 16 year old employee informed me "um, that's actually a skirt". Says her. I bought that sweater and I'll wear it with my jeggings. No wait, stir-ups. No wait, fur clogs. Dammit!!!
Posted by: The Last Girl Standing | 19 October 2010 at 08:59 PM
Wait... where do we stand on hair scrunchies???
Posted by: The Last Girl Standing | 19 October 2010 at 09:01 PM
I shit you not, I saw a grown, svelt woman sporting the stirrup leggings today. I had to control myself from boisterous laughter. (albeit, failed miserably)
The only thing I remember about those damned things were the "denim" style and the fuschia. Oh my gatos, the fuschia. The color? Sure, fine color fads, I get it. The memories? Replaceable. I could stand to forget the all day "ice skating" numbers me and the neighbors did in our teal roller blades, permed, scrunchied hair, with my purple boombox blaring our favorite straight-off-the-radio-onto-the-cassette NKOTB hits...
Really. I could.
Posted by: Jess | 19 October 2010 at 09:24 PM
Oh, right. You didn't ask "What scars you irreversibly?"
I'm digging the leggings with tall boots and a tunic look. Basically for two reasons.
One, I'm a tall "skinny" bitch so far be it for me to not capitalize on that business.
Two, I think what draws me to the trend is my odd affinity for spandex. Me love-a, da spandex.
Posted by: Jess | 19 October 2010 at 09:28 PM
When something makes an anorexic model look fat, it probably shouldn't be foisted on the general public.
And when a model falls off her heels on the runway, those shoes should probably not find their way into the stores.
Posted by: The Mother | 20 October 2010 at 05:27 AM
What's wrong with fashion these days, it's getting crazier than usual=)
Posted by: Sabrina | 20 October 2010 at 10:42 AM
I thought it was just my age...you know...old?!?
I'm glad to know it's not just me.
Whew!!!
Posted by: claudia w | 20 October 2010 at 07:24 PM
So, I was in LA a week ago (very busy schedule or I would have looked your ass up) and ended up in a ghetto Macy's that looked like it was built in the 80's, filled with every 80's fashion atrocity, and then someone at corporate forgot it was there. I thought I was stepping back in time or dreaming or having a flashback. In fact, I'm not sure it really happened at all. Jetlag? I don't know.
Posted by: Apryl's Antics | 22 October 2010 at 11:13 AM
Ohhh the dreaded stirrup pant..being 6'0 tall these were the epitome of 'bad fashion'...the crotch always ended up somewhere between my hooha and my knees..tre' chic indeed!
Posted by: Tonya (ConfessionsAQ) | 29 October 2010 at 01:01 PM
"Brace your coochies" HAHAHAHAHAHHA We were just talking about these wretched bodysuits at work the other day...
Posted by: Shelley Moore | 29 October 2010 at 06:21 PM
OMG the ill-placed snaps. That sprung open at inconvenient times, causing your shirt to suddenly come springing out of your pants. So nice!
Posted by: Suebob | 29 October 2010 at 10:11 PM
Very good blog. Only some fashionable accessories spoil fashion these days. This wont be a big problem.http://www.facebook.com/pages/Viva-Magazine-Your-Premium-Womens-Natural-Health-Magazine/262734921452?ref=ts All those pictures sounds great. Im gonna buy this type of tops. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Fashion | 01 December 2010 at 01:43 AM
I just saw her last night on WWF. She has this asian beauty.
Posted by: carpet cleaning phoenix | 27 April 2011 at 08:51 PM