Road rules

I am not what you would call a patient driver. No. When it comes to the road, it seems the assholes just magically appear out of nowhere just to piss me off. I'm certain it's not because they are simply idiots but that they actually have a vendetta against me and want to do me physical and emotional and middle finger harm. So I might take it a little personally when dumbasses break the rules of the road.

If you happen to break one of these rules, don't expect me to shrug my shoulders all sunshine and OH NO BIG DEAL like because god made car horns loud and middle fingers longer than the other digits FOR A REASON.

Offense #1: If I have to speed up to take a freeway exit, I have every right to help you off the road. My insurance deductible is low for a reason and the satisfaction just may be worth it.

Offense #2: You cut me off only to slow down once you've gotten in front of me? OH HAIL TO THE NO. I will lay on the horn until it's convenient for you to find another lane.

Offense #3: Douche parking. Really? Your slammed Toyota Corolla is so valuable that you need to park it sideways across two parking spots AT TARGET FOR GOD SAKES so no one gets near it? Well I just might. I might just park my huge ass mommy SUV as close as freakin' possible, testing how honest its back-up sensors really are.

Offense #4: You're too cool for your blinker? I DON'T LIKE YOU. It's a courtesy. Have some.

Offense #5: After you're done laying on the effing horn behind me at a green light I hope you feel like total moron when I finally get going after the pedestrian has made it across the street. Oh. Right. You didn't see her pushing a stroller? GET OFF MY ASS THEN.

Offense #6: I don't personally take issue with drivers on cell phones if they can multitask. Whatever. I think the bluetooth ear pieces are kinda douchy looking, so all the power to you if you can drive, talk AND concentrate. But if you're the school principal speeding through the school parking lot during morning drop-off in your Jaguar while talk on your cell phone YOU SUCK. I may or may not dislike you already for a whole list of other reasons, but this was worth mentioning.

Offense #7: You see a cop and automatically slow to 5 mph below the speed limit. Really? I mean, c'mon. Like the cop doesn't know what you were just doing before you slammmmed on the brakes. If I were a cop I'd pull you over for being a kiss ass.

Offense #8: Your kids aren't properly seat belted into their car seats - or worse - aren't in a car seat at all. There is no joke here: You suck. There is no excuse.

Offense #9: You won't let anyone over. Red Rover, Red Rover let me the fuck over before I let myself over. Oh? That's not how that little rhyme went? Huh.

Offense #10: The freeway is not the cruise-way. Drive people. Like you're going somewhere. Like you know the gas pedal is on the right. It may not be a race but it's not a scenic drive either.

Basically, don't be a dumbass. Cool?

Comments

[Robyn]

AMEN!!!

I think this should be distributed in the pamphlets teenagers get when studying for their permits.

[The Mother]

I have always felt that we should have a public police system for bad drivers. Everyone gets darts. You shoot them at idiots, and when they have 3, the cops pull them over.

I think it would work. Either that or we could just shoot paint balls and piss them off.

[Evelyn]

Spoken from my heart! You "get me"! lol

[DawnA]

Oh Hell Yes! And this is why my commute is 30 minutes longer every day - I couldn't stand the asshats and now take the bus! I work in DC and HATE to drive to work.

[Trish]

love it!

the other morning at O'freekin Dark Thirty I was heading to the airport to pick up a friend. Peeps in the fast lane doing between 52 and 59...ayup...speed limit is 65, most people do 70 in bad traffic...uhm, hello, 52? Oh wait...gets better, after I passed 4 asshats like that I come across a street sweeper, no lights (did I mention, o'freekin dark thirty?), doing 53 in the fast lane ...ayup...hello?

and...I thot of the paintball concept years ago...except, the way people drive I'd be out of paintballs in the first hour and have trigger finger...sigh. Tho it would remind me of the Pinto a friend bought for an Art Center project---$1 and it was painted like a Monet...then we each gave $1 for 3 hits with a sledgehammer before it got towed away...;-)

[MommyGeekology]

I live in MA, state of the worst drivers ever (except maybe NYC)

I feel your pain!

[Issa]

You drive just like I do. YAY us!!!!

[Daisy]

Sounds like you are in Atlanta

[Trish]

oh lord, you're in atlanta...you could one finger salute my father in law and his wife out in Kennesaw...;-)

[wickett]

My huge piss-off trigger is when people get on entrance ramps and don't get up to speed by the time they're supposed to merge into traffic...AUGH!!!

[Shannon]

Yes, these should definitely be included in the driver's ed manuals... what NOT to do.

Years ago, I worked as a bank teller... once while manning the drive-thru, a nondescript 4-door car rolled up. I don't remember what make or even color the car was... because all my attention was focused on the insane number of children they had crammed into the car. NONE of which were in proper car seats. Five kids in the backseat AND two were sitting in the front seat. IN THE PASSENGER'S LAP.

[Josette at Halushki]

I'd love to be able to post a post like this with cell phone photos of the license plates.

Oh, how I'd love to do that!

In fact, license plates should have to be cell phone numbers so you can text the assholes later and tell them what jerks they are.

[scott]

absofuckinglutely. 2 everything. it's like war on the road these days. last girl i yelled at texting behind the wheel flipped me off. i laughed at her and she went nutzo.
paz, scott

[Ritz]

OMG I LOVE THIS POST!!! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is irritated with everyone else's idiotic driving!! And I don't mean to brag, but I am a total multi-tasker!

[Rachel Stoneham]

I'd say YES to that, girl! You're absolutely a DIVA! We must be annoyed of those people who don't take driving seriously. Hello? Accidents do happen all the time, peeps. So we must always be careful when we hit the road.

[Ginny Crandall]

I think you just hit the nail on the head. I'm from the midwest, where people drive nicely. However, since moving west, I have considered hiring a utah personal injury lawyer ( http://christophergerald.com ) more times than I can count. Why? Because some moron just so happened to commit offense #2. Or they decided to wait until the VERY last second to merge. Or they decided that driving in the merging lane was a great idea. So frustrating. Thanks for the post. Now I know there is at least ONE other competent driver on the road.