Saying good-bye

Today is one of those days - one of many recent and one of many more to come - where life's new twists and turns have me walking out the door of several years of fond memories and unthought of heartache towards a future of Who Knows.

It isn't a fancy place, this house. And while smaller than many, it was enough; certainly more than many others hope for and at the end of the day it wasn't just stucco and wood and cement and shingles - it was our home. 

This is the house that broke us, in many ways, though of course it's not only to blame - not one single thing is. But it was also the house of much happiness - where two of the three boys were born, where many Halloweens and birthdays and summers were spent, where Easter eggs were hidden and found, where dinners were concocted and birthday cakes created, where oranges were picked and eaten in the yard, where swingsets were built and ignored, where gardens were planted and bloomed, where Christmas trees sat (and fell), where life moved at a speed quicker than we could register  - all inside these walls that were being fixed and patched and painted as we fell apart.

I slowly circle one more time in the living room. It still feels oddly full, even in its bareness. Though the smell of cardboard boxes and laundered clothes and nostalgia has left in trucks and U-Hauls, a vaguely familiar scent remains - the way the house smelled the day we got the keys - of vacancy and emptiness. It sinks in. The truth is, this house didn't break us. We did. And this house isn't haunted. We are.

It's hard to fathom that I'm taking one last look around our house and leaving it to go to my house. The newness of everything is jarring and yet exciting and the adventure of it all has its moments of hope and its share of fear.

I shut the door. I pause on the porch step, taking in this very moment, soaking in this change like sunlight on my skin, breath in my lungs. There's nothing left here for me anymore. Today is another reminder of moving onward, this time, literally. I remind myself: A house is a house but a home is what you make it so I have not just packed our clothes and photographs and books and toys but our memories too. They, though the heaviest of all the things to carry, are the easiest to move. 

Comments

[EmmieJ]

I love you. And I'm inviting myself over alongside Briya to break in your new joint with awesome memories. xoxo

[Al_Pal]

So, so beautifully written. Touching. I'm sorry and congratulations, I guess. Here's hoping for the best for you and your family in your new life. xoxo

[heather...]

This is so beautiful, I feel like I was there with you. And it's so sad. I hate that you are hurting. Love you, my friend.

[Cherry]

Nicely written. Remember, when one door closes another one opens. =) Cheers to new adventures!

[Nadine]

Oh, I was totally not expecting that. Geez, I wish you and your boys all the best and good luck in your future!

[Carmen]

What a beautiful post. I'm sorry, and best wishes in your new place. Look forward- I know you & your children, whom you so clearly adore, will be ok.

[Issa]

Beautiful post friend. Huge hugs.

[Avitable]

I know exactly how you feel. Love.

[Chantel]

I've been where you are and I felt the same way, even though I was the one leaving the situation. You have been incredibly strong and I'm proud of you!

Love to you and the boys!

[Renee]

Painfully beautiful

[Alexa]

Beautifully written. I've been in your shoes. Five years ago I left our home and moved into MY home. It was difficult and I thought I'd never overcome those feeling but I kept telling myself "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "this too shall pass". Just stay strong and everything will turn out fine. Good luck to you and your boys!

[Lotus / Sarcastic Mom]

This is beautiful writing. So from the heart. I've known what has been going on with you, but just read this post for the first time. You're a courageous woman and a strong one. You're creative and emotive and I just admire you so much, Megan. Glad to call you a friend.

[Ewokmama]

Somehow I completely missed your split. Figuring it out now, though. I'm so sorry! It's not an easy thing to go through, for sure, and will take time to adjust to new life. You will get through it, though, and so will your boys. Hang in there!!

[Greg Johnson]

This is beautiful.