Ellipses...

It was the first time I had ever deleted my own words, removed them from my own mouth, off my own page, taking them from my little piece of the internet; emotions ironically detailing my embarrassment with no longer being the me I used to be.

I lost her somewhere along the way - so far back I can't even tell you when - and just admitting that makes me itch and feel humiliated; wanting to hit the 'delete' button until the words are gone and the sentiment is no longer true.

If only life had a 'delete' button. A 'backspace' button. Even a 'comma' would be nice so I could just pause, take a breath, forcibly take in the moment before moving onto the next. But instead of commas, backspaces and the ability to delete here I am reaching abrupt halts with exclamation marks and finding myself lost amongst the question marks.

I am still looking for the girl within me who remembers what it feels like to not care what others think, who recalls how to say what she means and mean it and knows how to live intensely and without regret; who goes full force, full speed and full fledge. I am determined to find that girl who refuses stop herself abruptly, who will no longer question herself and instead allow room for life's ellipses... 

 

Comments

[Jane]

Oh Megan, you will. I know you only from your words and through a distance, but your spirit comes through strong and clear, and has since I *met* you a couple of years ago and thought "who is that funny, smart, beautiful girl?"

We all evolve a little more each day, and I look forward to sharing that with you.

[neena]

She's still there, my friend. Give her time and when you least expect it she'll make her entrance. *hugs*

[Wendy Thomas]

It's a journey to get there, but I know you will.

[Mechelle]

I got goosebumps, I had a similar conversation last night. I lost my girl too, the shy sweet girl who didn't have to listen and calculate when someone is Lying , becuse he lied to her for so long, the girl who trusts and loves, cares and feels. I hope I find her , it's ok if she isn't exactly the same. I hope you find yourself as well.

[Sandi]

I agree with neena, she still there she's a little hard to hear right now. Sending you a big squishy hug

[jennaS]

The rockin part is finding your way again. IT FEELS AMAZING!!
you will, I have no doubt.

[Charli Mac]

We evolve over time. The newer parts of ourselves mask the older but no parts really go away entirely. They're there, waiting for us to recognize we need them.

Seems like you've already done that.

[Sweepstaker]

That's a nice thought and analogy with the delete, commas and backspace. Wish I can do the same on mine, but well that's life. All we can do is move forward and look back only to see what we have learned from our journey.

[Issa]

You will find her babe. You will. Until then? Lie when you want. But remember that when you really need people, ask and they will be there.

[Lyndsay Cool Legumes]

I have often looked for the Backspace button in life. The "unfollow" of the real world.

Transition is hard. Your ellipses will eventually turn into periods. You will find her, the You is in there.

Period.