On being me

It catches me off-guard when people describe me as ballsy, a go-getter, out-spoken. Perhaps in comparison to some, sure, I guess I am. But compared to who I used to be? The girl who would say whatever she wanted and not care what others thought? The girl who would go against the grain for the mere sake of going against the grain? She was lost somewhere among the judgment of others, among being told she wasn't good enough and that girl - the one who really had no fear for living in the moment - became a scared shell of her former self, no longer willing to take risks, recoiling at the first sign of rejection and sauntering off at the first unkind glare.

I miss her.

It's exhausting living in fear. Afraid of what others think. Afraid of taking risks. Afraid of being me. And at the risk of losing friends, shaming family, scaring off new acquaintances, I'm done lurking in the shadows of What Will They Think? Because at the end of the day, at the end of my life, when all is said and done, I only want to be remembered, liked and loved for being me. The good parts, the bad parts, the abrasive, embarrassing, endearing and awful parts alike.

And for whomever that's not good enough, that's ok.

But.

I can only be me.

And you? You can only be you.

That just means we were never meant to be us.

The Buddha is said to have prayed all night seeking enlightenment and wisdom, overcoming fears. For me, this is clearly no overnight journey. But I am determined to get that girl back. No matter how long it takes me to find her.

---

More photos here.

Comments

[EmmieJ]

I love you. Just as you are.

[123arnie]

I don't know about the wisdom, but if Buddha had spent the night drinking, he would have found enlightenment and the loss of fear much quicker.

[Angi]

Incredibly proud of you...despite never having met you.

[Arwen8Aragorn]

You are one of the most fun people I've ever met (and I've only met you on your blog), I wish I were more like you and I hope you can find yourself again.

[avasmommy]

Who you are is amazing. Never think less.

[sara @tomthegirl]

You? Are awesome. And amazing. And should never have to apologize for anything....to anyone.
Can't wait to visit!

[Issa]

Oh friend. I love you. Just you as you. No matter what. Heck i love you so much im going to attempt commenting from my phone.

Finding who we are without the person we thought we were going to spend our life with? Takes time. You have forever. However just know that you have tons of people here who adore you. Xoxo.

[Nadine]

I wish you good luck on this difficult journey

[Suebob]

When I broke up with the ex, I felt like it took years for me to get myself back. I felt better immediately, but there were so many little chips that had been hammered out of me by his constant belittling of who I was that it took a lot of time and care and a-ha moments to feel like I was fully back in the game. There are still some things that are gone that I will probably never get back, but I think those are lessons I needed to learn, innocence that needed to go so I could keep myself safe against people like that in the future.

[Suebob]

Oh, and what I really wanted to say? Was that I believe in you. You're already one hell of a person, on your way to being even more kickass.

[Geekgirlwife]

great post here. And I can totally relate. I have every confidence you will find her again, and it won't take as long as you think!

[geekbabe]

One of the things I wish I had really understood when I was younger was that being me was really ok! People not loving us doesn't make us or them bad,it just means we haven't connected with our people yet.

I think you rock, you're seriously funny,warm, open:)

[Lesley]

Yeeeees. Yes. This! Damnit all to hell. You are one fine Phoenix risin' up! I mean... who cares if your big rising moment is you flappin' your arms wildly because you fell off the new patio table because a screw came out because the EFFIN ALLEN WRENCH didn't work right. Or maybe it wasn't a screw. Maybe it was sweat from the beer bottle causing toe slippage while the fire alarm was going off.

Either way? Carry on mighty hunter. Break that shell. Let me know how it goes since I'm still hiding out in mine.

[VDog]

Love to you babe.

[claudia w]

HEY! You hang in there. Be yourself.
Love the tat!

[Robin (noteverstill)]

Looks awesome. Good for you.

[tifRN]

I was, out of the blue, seriously just thinking to myself this week that you needed a new tattoo to help you commemorate on this time; both the now and the future. I'm loving the one you got. :) good luck.

[Chibi Jeebs]

Afuckingmen.

"It's exhausting living in fear. Afraid of what others think. Afraid of taking risks. Afraid of being me."

Yes. Just yes. Love you, dear heart.
xoxo

[Wendy Thomas]

I think it's great to work towards the you you used to be. I'm still trying to find the girl I used to be, too. But I realize all the *life* that happened between her and me... It's not going to go away. I've learned a lot and I'm probably never going to be exactly her again, but that's okay, because I love the me I am, and the me I'm going to be. Because I'm *me.*

I hope you at least get really, really close to the you before. Maybe the point for us both is to find only the best qualities of who we used to be, and keep the best of who we are today. Please don't discount the you you are today. She's just as awesome. <3

[Jane]

I don't believe we are ever who we once were. We evolve and became different with every new fork in the road.

I hope that your evolution brings you closer not to who you used to be, but who you were meant to be.

XXOO

[Chantel]

You are awesome just as you who are! I believe you'll find her again. xoxo

[Al_Pal]

You have awesomeness that radiates. Best Wishes on the path to finding more of that exuberant fabulousness. ;p

[Momo Fali]

I love you.

[The Mother]

Exactly. Go for it.

[Jess]

You do a bang up job of self preservation lover. Even if you don't think you're living up to the ballsy that you know you are, it's always deep inside you, written in your soul. There's no taking that away. She'll come down from her fearful hiatus in time. :)

[Avitable]

Anyone who doesn't love you for you isn't worth being counted at all.

[Miss Grace]

The tattoo is beautiful, as is the strong woman who got it.

[Kim]

Xoxo

[Dawn]

fuck. yes.

[Redneck Mommy]

You and your tattoos are just perfect. Just as they are.