Pen pals

I lost him for a little while. The boy who I suspected would forever sit in my lap, never grow too old to cuddle, always be the lovable, easy-go-lucky thoughtful kid of the bunch - he vanished very suddenly and all that was left was an angry, hateful child who screamed and threw punches and lunged and cried and cried and cried until he could not breathe where he once hugged and smiled and grabbed hold of your hand and laughed so hard he snorted while his nostrils flared.

He was gone.

For weeks - months - I tried to figure him out; this new kid who was not even recognizable as my own. I tried to comfort him. Talk to him. Reason with him. Tell him it was OK. I talked to friends. I talked to therapists. And finally, I sat beside him and cried with him; grieving for the loss of the boy I used to know, hysterical with guilt for having done this to him, sobbing desperately for the tears and tantrums to end.

What had I done?

Where had he gone?

Would I ever find him again?

Hours at a time would pass as he would grunt - not speak - demands that I couldn't possibly translate, tracing his fingernail along the linoleum spelling out his requests rather than speaking them. 

"Are you sad?"

"You can tell me what's wrong."

"Is something making you mad?"

"Buddy, I'm sad too."

Eventually I just let him vent. This was his safe place to let go and while I wasn't sure how much of his 'letting go' I could take without completely breaking myself, it was all I could do; let him know I was listening, I was by his side, and I wasn't going to leave no matter what. So I cried with him.

There was no rhyme or reason to when small slivers of the boy I used to know slowly started surfacing again. He's still not the same kid and probably never will be. I don't know that I can forgive myself for that. But I will take whatever glimpses of the old him and grasp onto them and love the new him, even if he's a little less cuddly and trusting and innocent.

He and I have become pen pals recently. He's been learning to write full sentences using his sight words in school and in his typical over-achiever ways, practices extra at home by writing me letters every single night before bed and I write back, leaving him a note to wake up to in the morning. He loves waking up to these replies. But he has no idea what his notes mean to me. How much I look forward to them being delivered to my bedroom door with stifled giggles and the sounds of crinkled paper followed by running feet back to his bedroom. But more than the hilarious letters that I will cherish forever, these letters symbolize something more. It means he - the boy I used to know - is surfacing again. It means that despite his world being shaken so badly in the last year he is finally realizing that it's going to be okay. Different, but okay.

And I am finally realizing that he is going to be okay. Different, but okay.

Comments

[avasmommy]

I'd tell you to not feel guilty, that you did nothing wrong, blah blah blah.

But we both know no matter how much that might be true, we still feel and think it.

It sucks, watching them process these emotions, so intense, and yet, they don't understand fully themselves, so they really can't explain it to us.

All you can do is what you've been doing. It's all I can do. I'm in the trench with you on this one.

I'm so glad he's coming back around. Maybe he won't be the same as he was before. Maybe he'll be better.

Yes. Better.

[Issa]

Sigh. I love this and at the same time, I despise this for you guys.

He will come back Megan. He will. It takes time and no, he won't ever be quite the same. But he will come back. They get so angry and it eats them alive for awhile. Just like it does us.

Hugs friend. Huge hugs.

[Charli Mac]

You are made of awesomesauce, so your boys are too. Change is inevitable, no matter how old we are. Nothing you do will stop life from changing your boys or you. But what you are doing is being the best mom you can be. That's what being made from awesomsauce is about. :)

[Maggie]

My son went through this after my divorce. He was about the same age as the little guy you are speaking of (he is now 15!!). He became a clingy, crying, sobbing mess. He developed a huge separation anxiety with me. I had to sleep with him, if I got out of bed, he felt it. Would cry inconsolably till I got back in bed. I was in the habit if dropping by school 3x's a week and helping out in the classroom. I had to stop this because he would cry, and beg to come home. It was heart breaking. My once solid, assured child had become this scared sad little boy. My heart goes out to you and your boys. I promise, it will pass. My son grew from this. Was he the same? Probably not. But as avasmommy says above, he pulled through and was.....better. Give it time. Give it lots of love. You will do this. You will all pull through...better.

[mrschaos]

Oh, that tugged at my heart. What a precious little boy.

[Lindsey]

This is where we are now. Just starting to see signs of light after so many months of tears. I have no words of wisdom but know that you are not alone

[Kater]

Hang in there Megan. He'll come back, like you said, different but okay. He's taking his cues from you and if he can see that you're sad too but learning a new way of life, he will too. It'll take some time. And who knows? Maybe having a happier mommy will make for a happier boy in the end. You'll BOTH be okay.

[Tara]

Aww, my little guy went through this too. It gets better. xox

[Evelyn]

kids are resilient ...

[Nancy [Spinning my plates]]

You're a great mom. It sucks that kids have to go through this. But, hang in there. He is learning how to work through some tough stuff. There will be other tough stuff to come in his life and this, as difficult as it may be right now, will equip him for that. In the end, like you, he will be better and stronger. Not broken.

[The Mother]

Lucky. At least he writes.

Kids will always use home as their venting place, and their moms as their steam outlets. Fun times.

It's hard not to take it personally, and it's harder to hang on to the fun kid you once knew.

The good news? They get over it. Eventually. You won't get the same kid back (would you want a kid who didn't grow up?), but you will get a great kid back.

[Mechelle]

I remember when I left my husband, I had 2 little boys . I bought a book called "It's not your fault Koko bear" it took me weeks of reading it to be able to get through the book without crying , realizing as I read the words to my children thaqt I had created this pain for them , and me . That even though I was happier to not have to deal with the problems my husband and I had , we had stepped into a new land, with new pains, and lost dreams. things I hadn't even contemplated were gone. my boys are better, I am better . It's been 8 years and I know I made the right choice , because for every tear we shed for what might have been , there had been 10 for what had already happened to us. it was the best decision for us all . But Dammit it was hard.

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It sucks, watching them process these emotions, so intense, and yet, they don't understand fully themselves, so they really can't explain it to us.

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It sucks, watching them process these emotions, so intense, and yet, they don't understand fully themselves, so they really can't explain it to us.

All you can do is what you've been doing. It's all I can do. I'm in the trench with you on this one.

I'm so glad he's coming back around. Maybe he won't be the same as he was before. Maybe he'll be better.

Yes. Better.

[Al_Pal]

Ooof. Great writing. Sorry for the hurt, glad it's getting better.

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It sucks, watching them process these emotions, so intense, and yet, they don't understand fully themselves, so they really can't explain it to us.

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