Lonely

If you could touch lonely, it would feel like a worn brass doorknob handle, slightly warm from the last touch, streaked in goodbyes with fingerprinted memories - vivid and fond - which no amount of furrowing of the brow will bring back the one who left.

Lonely is when you can almost see the footprints on cement steps leading out the door, though none were actually left, the moment of walking away having been instantly engraved in your pupils and cannot be unseen, forgotten, retrieved.

It's hearing tiny feet run in the opposite direction and not return for days, only getting seconds of conversations of muddled sentences talking about their day because they're too busy to miss you back. Lonely is padding barefoot through an empty house at midnight and stealing a favorite stuff animal off an empty bed just to feel like you have a part of them with you when they are gone.

Lonely is being surrounded in a crowd of furiously happy friends and acquaintances with a painted smile on your face, keeping pace and faking the facade only to come and go alone; to have the company and companionship end with the night. To feel forgotten in an evening of everlasting photographs.

It's being amongst him and not having him even consider you; to see you as one of the guys and a friend... but. Lonely is feeling invisible when you're in. his. face. and still not enough.

Lonely is eerily quiet in loud groups and unbearably loud in quiet places and disguises itself in shoulder-shaking sobbing shower sessions and empty pint glasses alike. It smells heavily of the sea, where the waters are rough and the shore cannot be seen; tulmultuous and salty. It weighs more than most can lift yet it sits easily on one's shoulders.

The brass doorknob eventually turns cold and I can no longer discern where fingerprints begin and where they end. But the memories remain, remarkably prominent, invoking lonely.

Comments

[Avasmommy]

Jesus Christ.

1. I feel and live every word of this.

2. God damn, woman, your writing is breathtaking.

[Kater]

Awww, Megan. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you have days, or hours, or even seconds where you feel this way. It just plain sucks and I hope it goes away soon.

[Tina Cruz]

Really beautiful, Megan. I hope you are ok.

[Jen]

I have been following your blog for a couple of years now. While I have never commented, I want you to know what an amazing writer you are. I am sorry that life is so unfair to you right now. I hope that soon your pain will ease. I know that is easier said than done. I hope that one day you no longer feel lonely. Continue to write and to look to better days. Sending lots of love your way from New Zealand. xx

[HeatherTx]

Your writing is brilliant, as always, but now I'm moved to tears. What a way to start my day. I hope your day is good.

[Avitable]

Yup. But there are times when it changes from "lonely" to "alone". And it's comfortable and a world where you can reflect and take in the silence before going out into the world.

Call me any time you want. I mean it - night or day. I know exactly what you're going through. Love you.

[Lace]

Your writings are beautiful and touching. They show what a beautiful person you are. As time moves forward, I hope the lonely transitions to something that brings you happiness.

[Editdebs]

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

[PB and Jazz]

I get you. I feel what you feel. I am sorry. I hope it changes for the both of us.

[Jen]

This is one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful things I've ever read. If only I had the words to make it all feel better, I would give you that peace if only I had it to give.

[heather...]

I've had this post open since last night...I wanted to comment but didn't know what to say. But this sticks with me. It sucks Megan. I hate it for you.

[MidLifeMama]

To feel forgotten in an evening of everlasting photographs. Been right there. No answers for this, but it does get better.

[Donna in VA]

Awh Megan, I know of this 'lonely' for which you speak. I remember it oh so well. It is heart wrenching and I hate that you, with all your spirit, have to feel such deep loneliness.
I have no answers. I wish I did. And I wish you didn't have to feel this lonely.
Big hugs to you!

[Rachel - A Southern Fairytale]

holy hell.

breathtaking

[Amy Ebel]

Stating the obvious is your writing is wonderful and heartrending . On a personal note i am sorry you are suffering. I lost custody of my children when they were only very small. I hear you. If it helps at all you are not shouting unheard into the void. I hope it gets easier.soon.

[Karen Sugarpants]

xoxo

[Kristin]

You just described my day. And my week. And, it turns out, probably my next year or two. I have not yet been able to do that. It helps, a little, to read it from someone else. Thank you.

[black jacket]

therefore you are happy, well satisfied. This is also a way things should be, is person's cerebrum to the outside reflection inevitably.