In the Cosmos

 

Go ahead and belly laugh but I'm just being real: I subscribed - not bought an issue, but full-on subscribed - to Cosmopolitan magazine.

In my defense, dearest people of the Internet, I honestly believed it would bring me good blog fodder. I mean a "21 Naughty Sex Tips" article? Really, Cosmo? How many times have you printed that in some version or another over the past decade?

I might have started off with a bit of a cynical attitude. I'll give you that.

But, ok, here's the deal. Here's where I get honest at the expense of you pointing your finger and laughing in. my. face. until your ribs hurt.  Every single month? I find at least a few - if not several - articles, tips, tidbits, WHATHAVEYOU that make me go "Ohhhh."

Oh.

Oh.

Ohhhhhh.

*epiphany*

You would think at the ripe old age of 30 I should know whatever there is to know about a) men, b) relationships, c) make-up and d) sex but apparently shit changes and trends and technology and OH MY GOD I now thumb through Cosmo's pages nodding along, eyes wide open, jaw sometimes dropped, a few particular pages dogeared like I were 14 years old hiding in my bedroom trying to learn about things, mom, I didn't care to learn about at 14 years old I SWEAR TO GOD.

I mean, until my recent Cosmo binge, I for one didn't know "what men want most at 9 pm" but thankyouverymuch June Cosmo for making me blush.

*sets alarm clock*

*looks around for a man at 9 pm*

*hits snooze*

Aww, well.

The September issue promised to let me know what my "vajayjay" was "dying to tell (me)." And sure enough, well. *nods in appreciation*

Protips: Buy yogurt, pee after sex, give your vibrator a bath and don't wear jeans so tight. YOU'RE SO WELCOME.

I've also learned how to not just hide but *erase* dark undereye circles, shrink my inner thighs in 6 minutes per day! (don't look, I haven't actually tried that yet) and read - READ - that *cough* vibrators have come alooooong way technologically speaking. *cough*

Laugh all you want but holy hell, I am now a wealth of information. Do I have any use for it? Not so much. But if knowing is half the battle... well... dammit, bring on the war.

Comments

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

I thought I was pretty hot stuff when I got home tonight to find my first issue of Martha Stewart's Everyday Food on my counter and thought, as I flipped through it, that ok, maybe - MAYBE - I'd be willing to make that split pea soup on page 94...however, after reading this, I think I might be a COSMO girl trapped in a Martha Stewart body.

Now I'm off to eat some Yoplait.

p.s. - It's a miracle I'M awake after 9 p.m., and now you're telling me I have to DO STUFF after 9 p.m.? Pfft.

[Tamara in TX]

It's like they listen to our conversations!

[Miss]

You paid for a whole subscription? Ever heard of google woman? Sheesh!

(Save me the issues k?)

[briya]

Fact: You'll never know all there is to know about men. Because half the time, THEY don't even know.

[Al_Pal]

Hah! ;-)

[expatmammy]

Will look for to lots of handy tips from you in future post!!!!!

[Supra Footwear]

So fun article is! I know more from it.