Already and just now

Some anniversaries aren't meant to be celebrated yet you remember that day so vividly you see it returning in rapid speed and spend it in slow motion, unable to escape the emotion of it.

Veterans of broken marriages promised me it would be a year - a full year - until my life regained any semblance of normalcy again but I shook off the idea, pledging to myself that I wouldn't allow it to take another year from me. No, I would be the exception to this rule. I would find a new normal quicker than that.

Yet here I am. Already and just now. Exactly one year later from that fog of a day I remember so clearly. And there is nothing normal about my life. Everything is new with a touch of old, bittersweet and unexpected. The highs are euphoric and the lows are devastating. It's an uncomfortable mix of trying to learn from my past and give hope to my future and the whiplash from looking back and going forward is exhausting. It's unsettling mix of lonely and liberating, facing fears I always hid from and finding courage I didn't know I had.

I can't tell you how I got here; from that day to this one. I don't know how I survived a year of spinning circles without falling over. Because the truth is, I've fallen down a lot more than I've stood on my own two feet.

Thank god for good friends who continue to help me back on my feet.

There is no futuristic road map or emotional GPS for this sort of journey - that much I've learned. And for someone who always needs to know who, how, what and when, this has been quite a trip. Who knows where this road will take me. All I know is I just have to keep going.

Comments

[Tamara in TX]

Fistbump, my friend.
Xoxox

[123arnie]

The key to dealing with the aftermath of divorce -- and I mean this seriously, not flippantly -- is realizing that being alone is spending time with someone you love. The moment you learn that, accept that, is the moment of self-liberation.

This realization is probably true of all of life.

[Silver (@SilverNelson)]

Well look at the wisdom from Arnie! Very nice. and seconded. keep on truckin' Megan.

[Angi]

I was just telling my friend that divorce is a lot like grief. The obvious anniversaries and celebrations are hard....and then sometimes there's just a Tuesday that brings you down for no good reason. Then one day you realize that you've done it...created the new you.

[Kim]

Xoxo, hang in there.

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

You are awesome. Does it come off weird if I tell you that I'm jealous of you? I think that it probably is, so I should clarify. I'm jealous that, while it's not easy, hasn't been easy, and may not be easy for awhile yet, at least the part that was difficult is behind. I tick off anniversaries, in a sense, too. I'm three years (and a half!)(I like to toss that in when the matter comes up) into what I'm feeling is a resigned marriage...so I'm jealous that you have THIS anniversary, even though I know you're still reaching for normal.

I'm serious about that 'you're awesome' stuff.

[VDog]

So much love to you, babe.

[JessNSB]

I've never commented on your blog before but this post just hit me. I'm in the midst of turmoil, still married, but just barely. I have read your blog and followed you on twitter for a while and have seen your struggle and have witnessed how strong you are. You are so eloquent with even the most heartbreaking situations. Keep writing, posting, taking pictures. You're rocking it.

[Peeved Michelle]

I knew you could do it. There was never a doubt in my mind that you would come out on the other side, unbroken. We're alike in one way at least. We keep moving forward regardless of the obstacles life throws in our paths. I'm still standing and so are you.

[Al_Pal]

Wow, already. *HUGS* Great writing. Best Wishes at finding your new normal slightly on the sooner side?
Safe Journey, regardless. ;-)

[Brian]

I love your writing, and this really hits me, too, even though I'm (gasp) a male.

I'm around six months into a separation, and having a horrible time with it, even though I was the one that stood up and said "we're done." There is no right answer or best way for this stuff.

I don't know how I survived a year of spinning circles without falling over. Because the truth is, I've fallen down a lot more than I've stood on my own two feet.

Exactly my feeling. I'm on the ground a lot.

[Stephanie Z]

As a veteran of divorce, 11 years now. I can still remember every detail of that first years pain. It took me a full two years before I felt like 'me' again. I agree with Arnie, until I learned to love spending time with me the healing did not happen. It will happen for you this I promise. Keep doing things that make you happy and slowly but surely your new life will be something you never thought would happen.