Undomestic Diva

Two Mile High Club

Life is all about taking your bucket list by the balls, grabbing ahold firmly and squeezing gently.

I spent my 30th birthday falling from 10,000 feet at 120 miles per hour from an airplane covered in duct tape and rust and it felt AMAZING.

Thanks to my new best friends at Skydive Coastal California who tried to kill me on take-off (never let the pilot know you're more scared of flying than jumping out the plane, pro tip) I am now fiening to go back and do it again. And again. And again. And maybe 300 times more.

Aaron (with his Hi-C juice box) and I before heading to the airport.

Aww, yeeeeaaahh!

Initial here, here and 20 other here's. Also? Fill in your weight. Then, after you've signed everything we will weigh you to see if you lied about how heavy your lard ass is. *shifty eyes*

These? BETTER OPEN.

Dan The Man making sure my Angry Birds sweatshirt shows despite my harness. 'Cause you know, PRIORITIES.

I'm not going to lie, it felt like I was wearing assless chaps without pants underneath. This explains my big grin.

The guy who looks all of 14 years old with his arms crossed in the background? That would be the pilot. He would also be the one who gave me a big smile and said "Oh really?" when I said I was scared to fly in that airplane outside of the hangar. Have your audio up nice and loud when you watch the video. I *might* call the pilot a... not nice word... when he takes off at a 45 degree angle.

Ready. To. Goooooo!

And now? The moment ya'll have been waiting for... (Again, audio has never been so important, especially as soon as the parachute opens. Poor Dan. He was expecting a lady, he got me.)

[Click on links below video to see larger version.]

 

Two Mile High Club from Undomestic Diva on Vimeo.

Wheeeeeee!

No power lines were damaged.

He said "STAND UP!" I warned him back at the hangar that I am no good at following directions.

Flashback of a broken ass, circa 2009.

But Dan the Man was a good sport. Probably because I SCARRED HIM FOR LIFE with the whole broken vagina bit 2,000 feet up.

Still being filmed. With epic hair.

Adrenaline finally hits. This is my "O" face.

Back with my boys. On solid ground.

Reunited with my jumping partner (sans Hi-C juice box) Aaron!

But we weren't the only ones jumping from the aeroplane... my sister went for her second jump in as many months (it's addicting, yo')...

And my mom (yes!) took the opportunity to scratch it off her bucket list as well...

The only question now is... WHEN DO WE GO AGAIN?!

Much love to Emmie for taking the still shots for me on the ground... And of course to the awesome guys at Skydive Coastal California for a) not killing me, b) having a sense of humor and c) having the most kick ass job on the planet. I'm sending my resume.

Good fortune

The boys and I shared lunch the other day at Panda Express - not so much for the noodles but more so for the opportunity to use "Chinese sticks." ("You mean, 'chopsticks?'" I corrected the 4 year old. "No, Mom," he replied - clearly irritated that I had no idea what I was talking about. "CHINESE STICKS.")

At home with our noodles and sticks, my oldest touted this as "the best lunch EVER" while my middle guy, picking through his chow mein for "the right noodles" asked me if I knew where there were any flies so he could practice catching them. With his Chinese sticks.

"CHOPsticks."

"CHINESE STICKS!" they shouted in unison.

Who knew lunch could be a) such an adventure, b) such a mess and, c) such an awakening at how culturely deprived my children are. We really need to broaden our horizons from the local Mexican food hole-in-the-walls to I-don't-know? Sushi? Thai? ITALIAN?! Next up: Buying a globe!

But the icing on this cultural cake was the opening of fortune cookies when the noodles had been thoroughly picked through, dropped everywhere and stuck to cheeks, unbeknownst to one indignant 4 year old who couldn't be convinced otherwise.

I read each child's fortune to them as they opened it.

E-man's said: "You will soon find new adventure in life." I told him this was very true and it has always been true.

Big T's said: "Treat a friend to flowers." I told him to leave the neighbor's flowers alone.

Then I read L-Dub's: "You will be involved in many humanitarian projects."

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"Well, it means that you will help a lot of people. And you know what? Knowing you, that is very true; you're always very kind, generous and helpf--"

"THAT IS SO NOT TRUE MOM!" I'm interrupted by my oldest who is appalled by L's fortune. "HE STEEEEEAAAAALLS! HE TAKES MY LEGOS! HE FINDS MONEY THAT ISN'T HIS!"

"Yes, son, but aside from all that, he's a very good person."

Keeping the peace since 2003.

We (Wii) Party. And so can you.

Talk about perfect timing, the most amazing (and fun!) package arrived via FedEx today and it could not have come at a better moment for the boys and I.

Now I'm not one of those bloggers who gets invited to every (any) Big Name Brand Event or is on every (any) Cool Pitch List, that's for certain. But for whatever reason, a couple of weeks ago Nintendo sent me an email telling me (not asking me, not pitching to me, not requesting anything from me) that they were sending me a Wii Party Party Package in the mail so that my family and I could have a Wii Party Party Night. They didn't ask me to blog about it or review it or to do anything in return; all they wanted was my address and to know if we had enough Wii-motes.

Then today, in a cake-sized box wrapped in a bright pink bow came the Wii Party game, the Mii faces on sticks for the kids, an extra Wii-mote with the new motion sense technology, a $25 gift certificate to Domino's pizza and ten $5 off coupons for the Wii Party game on Amazon.com to pass along to my friends. (Hey, that's you.) (More details on that at the end of this post.)

The boys were ECSTATIC.

"Why'd they send us this, Mom?"

"Did they know we were bein' good?"

"You mean, the people who make the Wii sent it? How did they do that??"

And that was before they even played. There are so many games on the Wii Party game that the boys haven't even had a chance to check them all out but an instant favorite was Board Game Island. The mini games were a big hit with them also. (I can see this being a fun game to break out with a group of adults as well.) And you know something is a homerun when it's bedtime and you warn misbehaving kids to "go to bed or there won't be any Wii Party tomorrow" and they listen. THEY LISTEN.

But, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

I'm giving away the ten $5 off coupons for Wii Party on Amazon.com. To enter, leave a comment on this post telling me your favorite Wii game. Each comment = one entry. Enter as many times as you would like. Enter through Sunday, December 12, 2010 until 8:00 PM Pacific Time for a chance to win.

And many thanks to Nintendo!

Uncommon gift guide

If your friends and family are anything like mine - or if you're anything like me (which, I'm sorry) - than you could use a few unique gift ideas for the holidays. You've done the popcorn-in-a-tin for a neighbor, you realize people LOVE gift cards but you'd really like to give them something and you wouldn't mind getting a reaction when they open your gift because, well, it's so goddamn cool they won't even have to fake the "OH I LOOOOOVE IT!" obligatory reply.

So where do you find said gifts? Answer: My favorite online retailer (they also have a catalog) Uncommon Goods. They have gifts in every price range, for everybody and also have a huge selection of eco-friendly, organic and homemade lines.

And no, they have not asked or paid my to write this. Although they totally should. In fact, as far as I know, they're completely unaware that I'm doing this. So suck it, FCC.

Here are just a few of recommendations for my Uncommon Gift Guide for 2010:

For HER

1. Chalkboard Vase $40

2. Face iPad Case $36

3. Nestling Bird Necklace $70 - $79

4. Memory Quilt Kit $68

5. Sushi Slippers $32

For HIM

1. Spitball Dart Pad $9.95

2. Golfer's BBQ Set $25

3. Freudian Slippers $24

4. Nerd Flashcards $14 - $20

For THE ENTERTAINER/HOSTESS

1. Cowgirl Kitchen Towels $36

2. Iroha Sake Set $40

3. Edamame Growing Kit $15

4. Veggie & Herb Chopper $32

5. Gourmet Sugar, Set of 3 $25

FOR ANYONE

1. Ticket Stub Diary $10

2. Home Plate Doormat $19

3. Message or Boat In A Bottle Set $12 - $13

4. Bacon Flavored Envelopes, Set of 25 $7

For KIDS

1. Mr. Food Face Plate $12

2. "The Carly" Mother/Daughter Aprons $32 - $39

3. Yellow Pages Booster Seat $19.75

4. Temporary Hand Tattoo Sets $12

5. Original Colorforms Set $30

For BABY

1. Nursery Rhyme Blocks $38

2. Locavore Babysuits $25

3. Dino Hat & Mittens $20 - $28

4. 12 Wishes For Baby $28

Happy Shopping!

Oh, but you deserve this Uncle Frank

Deer in the headlights (and a holiday card discount for you)

Waaaay back at BlogHer in NYC, Jess and I weaved our way through the expo halls, enjoying the awesome companies that spent their time and money to present, give and talk about their products and brands. Suddenly, we came upon a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree in August? Wha?

A nice woman from Hallmark coerced offered us some festive holiday head gear and we posed in front of the tree and moved on to the next both.

Two days ago, this card arrived in my mailbox.

It made. my. MONTH.

And hopefully it will make your day. Not just because Jess and I are incapable of looking normal in a photograph so ha ha ha, but because Hallmark is kindly offering you guys a generous discount of 30% off your holiday card order on Hallmark.com when you enter the code: Blogher30. The offer expires 12/31/10.

Hallmark never asked for us to write this post and I had no idea they would offer this discount to our readers; it's just very cool of them so I thought I'd pass it on to you.

And before you ask, yes, Jess poses like this in every. single. photo. you take of her. True story.

Road rules

I am not what you would call a patient driver. No. When it comes to the road, it seems the assholes just magically appear out of nowhere just to piss me off. I'm certain it's not because they are simply idiots but that they actually have a vendetta against me and want to do me physical and emotional and middle finger harm. So I might take it a little personally when dumbasses break the rules of the road.

If you happen to break one of these rules, don't expect me to shrug my shoulders all sunshine and OH NO BIG DEAL like because god made car horns loud and middle fingers longer than the other digits FOR A REASON.

Offense #1: If I have to speed up to take a freeway exit, I have every right to help you off the road. My insurance deductible is low for a reason and the satisfaction just may be worth it.

Offense #2: You cut me off only to slow down once you've gotten in front of me? OH HAIL TO THE NO. I will lay on the horn until it's convenient for you to find another lane.

Offense #3: Douche parking. Really? Your slammed Toyota Corolla is so valuable that you need to park it sideways across two parking spots AT TARGET FOR GOD SAKES so no one gets near it? Well I just might. I might just park my huge ass mommy SUV as close as freakin' possible, testing how honest its back-up sensors really are.

Offense #4: You're too cool for your blinker? I DON'T LIKE YOU. It's a courtesy. Have some.

Offense #5: After you're done laying on the effing horn behind me at a green light I hope you feel like total moron when I finally get going after the pedestrian has made it across the street. Oh. Right. You didn't see her pushing a stroller? GET OFF MY ASS THEN.

Offense #6: I don't personally take issue with drivers on cell phones if they can multitask. Whatever. I think the bluetooth ear pieces are kinda douchy looking, so all the power to you if you can drive, talk AND concentrate. But if you're the school principal speeding through the school parking lot during morning drop-off in your Jaguar while talk on your cell phone YOU SUCK. I may or may not dislike you already for a whole list of other reasons, but this was worth mentioning.

Offense #7: You see a cop and automatically slow to 5 mph below the speed limit. Really? I mean, c'mon. Like the cop doesn't know what you were just doing before you slammmmed on the brakes. If I were a cop I'd pull you over for being a kiss ass.

Offense #8: Your kids aren't properly seat belted into their car seats - or worse - aren't in a car seat at all. There is no joke here: You suck. There is no excuse.

Offense #9: You won't let anyone over. Red Rover, Red Rover let me the fuck over before I let myself over. Oh? That's not how that little rhyme went? Huh.

Offense #10: The freeway is not the cruise-way. Drive people. Like you're going somewhere. Like you know the gas pedal is on the right. It may not be a race but it's not a scenic drive either.

Basically, don't be a dumbass. Cool?

Look out Hotlanta, here come the Hook's

Right now while the rest of the west coast sleeps - and rightfully so - us Hook's are boarding an aeroplane to Atlanta for a week of mayhem, family, birthday celebration all leading up to my sister RV's wedding where all three dudes will be ring bearers and I will have the honor of photographing her special day.

That may sound lovely and fun and warm-you-in-the-crotch-fantastic but if you've ever flown with three kids ages 7 and under before (and I haven't, so I feel absolutely qualified to speak on this) you know getting there is half the battle.

Sure, I've come as prepared as I can be for the absolute chipper-ness that will be three kids who were woken up at 3:30 am in order to get to the airport in time to board a 7 am flight by packing each a backpack chock-full of word puzzles! books! snacks! SNACKS OMG SNACKS! iPads! iPods! every kind of iToy! laptops! DSi's! all of which should keep their attention for what? the first half hour?

Yeaaaah.

This is where you laugh at me for bringing them each a pillow and blanket should they feel tired. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am such an idiot.

This, of course, is assuming we made it through the security screening with all our above electronics, our bajillion kids and not have L-Dub mention to the TSA about mommy's "magic beans" which are really just orange Tic Tacs but sounds really bad to those not in the know.

I feel sorry for whoever is behind us in that line. One kid won't want to take off his shoes, one kid will translate "take off your shoes" into "disrobe completely" and the other kid will be asking the Awesome Soldier Dude if he can hold his gun. You think I'm joking.

Worse is watching every passenger walk down the aisle of the airplane with their boarding pass in hand, eyeing each row, saying a silent prayer that they aren't anywhere near us because EEEEEWWW KIDS WHERE'S MY SARS MASK AND EAR PLUGS WTF?! Calm down assholes, chances are they'll be far more interested in the laboratory than your airport book store novel and if they do annoy you that much you can thank me when we land for loaning you some complimentary birth control.

Five hours, people. FIVE HOURS ON A PLANE WITH KIDS. Five hours with ADD. FIVE HOURS ON A PLANE WITH KIDS WITH AN ATTENTION SPAN this big. Are we there yet? I have to pee. Where does the poop go? I'm huuuuungry.

And that's just me. I'm pretty sure they're going to whine too.

Wish me luck. Scratch that, think good thoughts for Atlanta. They'll never know what hit 'em.

Dear Angry Birds, Thank you for teaching me the geometry my high school teacher never did

I tried. I trrrriiiieeeeddd to stay away from the whole OHMIGAWD! ZOMG! ANGRY BIRDS! I'M SO ADDICTED trend because I'm very hard-headed determined that way to be the only one on Facebook not asking for a hoe for my farm or a AR-15 for my mafia. I mean, how can I tweet about how annoying that stuff is if I'm doing it too?

At first it was really easy to fend off the Angry Birds attack. I don't have an iPhone (I'm anti-AT&T like that) and Candy Ass keeps his iPad with him at all times and Blackberry, well, those fuckers can't seem to get on board with the apps people go ape-shit over so I'm off in la la oblivious land, all smug and shit because I? can't be bothered by those Angry Birds. No matter that it's only because I don't have access to them.

But then. THEN. Right there on the couch practically calling out to me last Saturday sat a lonely iPad beckoning a little companionship. 

*poke*

My pupils dilate in symphony with the backlit screen powering up and there I see it - the Angry Birds icon - and I'm certain I hear it squawking "play me, play me." And so I did.

Every free lovin' moment I've had since Saturday, I've played. I've launched. I've boomeranged. I've bombed. I've cursed. I've looked at the clock to see it was 1:00 am. But it was just 9:30! What the hell? Wood. Stone. Ice. CRASH! BOOM! KABLAAAM! DRY EYES!

And just like that I became one of them.

Wow. You'll have to excuse me for a second be cause that? was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Only now can I freely bitch about how much I hate those green toucan boomeranging birds and how I want to scream whenever I reach a level with those fucking chickens that I-swear-to-god shit the egg backwards. Only now can I tell you that I'm pretty bad ass with the big fat red birds, find the small red birds completely useless and wish I'd paid a whole lot more attention during geometry in high school when it comes to those yellow triangular birds.

[Dear Public Schools Everywhere: Angry Birds is teaching geometry more effectively than you are. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.]

I do have to admit that I'm a bit worried for the pork industry though. The adrenaline rush that comes with blowing up those goddamn smug pigs (especially the asshole ones with the mustaches and hard hats) scares me a little. It's so satisfying to see those bastards go from blinky to bruised and black-eyed to GONE MOTHERFUCKERS! It just feels gooooood.

Well shit. There goes my career as a cop. Ah well, more time to play Angry Birds. *shifty eyes*

Stop the sweater dresses and other fashion abominations

You know why something is called an abomination? Because it bombs. A-BOMB-INATION. Not bomb as in "that's so bomb" like the cool people used to say when that was one of the cool things cool people would say but bomb as in FAIL, IMPLODE, SUCKAGE. Take your pick.

Upon shopping for my sister RV's upcoming nuptials I have come across an amazing array of fashion abominations [KABLAAAM!] and have decided that if designers gave half a shit about what the world looks like they would have never invented the sweater dress for starters.

The sweater dress is one of those rare creatures - not unlike white rimmed sunglasses - where only 2 percent of the population can actually pull them off and look somewhat fashionable. Of course if you're part of this 2 percent, I don't like you, we're not friends and you're not even reading this so why am I apologizing? I have no idea. The other 98 percent of us have a responsibility to ourselves and to our fellow human beings who have to live, shop and carry on amongst us to understand that (and say it with me) WE DO NOT LOOK GOOD in a bulky, woven, sweaty, wooley mess that does nothing for our figure except accentuate its wideness. And when is the last time you were hoping to accentuate your wideness? Yeaaah. Wear a sweater dress in white or cream and you might as well pin a red flag to your ass to alert other pedestrian traffic. You know, as a safety precaution.

Of course, I say none of this to be mean - it's more of a kind, courteous public service announcement if you will - so that you don't show up to some meet-up/tweet-up/party/Quinceañera wearing your white rimmed sunglasses a la Snooki and dammit if I don't have to be the one to say "Um... NOOOOOOO-HO-HO."

And this is the prettiest I've seen her. So.

In my journeys through store after store, malls and outlets to find not the perfect outfits but just ones that won't make me fidget and cry when I put them on because OH MY GOD WHO SAID WE SHOULD DRESS UP FOR THIS? I saw a lot of wrong shit. You know, fashion-wise. It's like wrong was sewn right into the seams of clothes everywhere I looked.

On my fashion shit list is a supposedly must-have! for this winter according to all the fashion magazines who, by the way, were also perpetually wrong during the 80s I might point out. I don't know about you but I just can't wrap my head around furry Ugg-like high-heeled clogs. You heard me. Let's just dissect what I just said wrote because they are wrong on too many levels to merely mention and move on.

First, they're clogs. We could honestly just stop right there. Clogs? THE END. Pass right by that shelf and move on. <-- Free advice. I mean, did we not learn in the early 90s when we briefly went back to the whole 'maybe clogs would be a good idea again' thing and quickly learned that no, no they aren't? They never were. They're costume props now. Secondly, these clogs are having an identity crisis which isn't all that surprising for an item this old I suppose. Are they clogs? Are they Uggs? Are they hard ass wooden torture devices or are they soft fuzzy furry torture devices? We *know* they're fashion torture devices. Lastly, high heeled clogs? You can't see me but I'm gagging.

I will admit to have finally jumped on board the skinny jeans fad though I have to scratch my head in total bewilderment when I see a skinny girl or woman wearing a pair two sizes too small which consequently makes her look overweight and love-handle-ish at which point I want to say "Oh dear, hon, just buy a size 4 instead of a 0 and you'll look less Jimmy Dean and more Park Avenue."

No offense to Jimmy Dean.

While I converted from anti-skinny jean to the 'alrighty, I can shimmy into a pair of these suckers on my non-fat days' philosophy, you will not see me reliving my tween years by revisiting the leggings with stirrups on the bottom. Remember those? They're baaaaack. With a fucking vengeance. And it's not pretty. It wasn't pretty then and nothing magical happened in the last 20 years to make them pretty now. If you could sew the sound of nails on a chalkboard I imagine this is what it would look like:

God help me if I discover a bodysuit with those ill-placed snaps. Remember that? It's next, I know it. BRACE YOUR COOCHIES AND STOCK UP ON MONISTAT BITCHES.

Not to be all the fashion glass of diet water is half empty on you, here are a few fashion trends I am definitely digging:

- Dark purple/grape-colored nail polish (Try OPI by Sephora's "Just A Little Dangerous")

- Jersey dresses

- Dresses with pockets!

- Militant styles (cargo pants/jackets) and colors (dark green/khaki) with a fitted feminine twist

- Your mom (OK. Fine. I just said that to be a dick.) (Sorry.)

What are you digging and despising in the fashion world?