Undomestic Diva

How to fake a fondant cake

It's so easy even an Undomestic Diva can do it! Ha. Truthfully: Y'all know I can't cook or bake (hi, Mr. Fireman) and I am not the least bit artistic yet I can fake a fondant cake. It's no Charm City creation - that's for sure. But it's good enough for my boys and that's my target audience. And if I can do it? You can.

I set out to make a Jack Skellington cake for L-Dub's 7th birthday because Nightmare Before Christmas is his absolute most favorite movie ever. Ever, EVER.

Print out a detailed photo or make a sketch of your idea. You will need to know what you're doing before you do it so you don't over or under buy fondant and so you make enough cake, etc.

Bake yo' cakes. You will need A LOT MORE cake than you think. Because you will waste A LOT MORE cake than you will want to admit. Here I baked six 9" inch round cakes.

If you're stacking cakes, you will need to 'top' the cakes... make them level by cutting the rounded tops off. You can buy a saw-like tool to do this but honestly, I have one and it's easier to use one of these long serrated cake knives. 

Icing is your glue. Before stacking your cakes, spread a blob-o-icing on each cake except your top cake.

Stack your cakes, trying to make sure they don't lean to one side or another. For stability, you can add dowels (or cheap trick: kabob skewers) after you've cover your cake in fondant.

Add your top cake with the smooth side up for easier crumb coating. (More on that in a few!)

Carve your cake. I needed a sort-of round cake (think pumpkin-shaped) so I took that same serrated cake knife and started carving. Yes, it will look like a mess but you're not done so don't be discouraged.

Here's where you start seeing ALL THAT BAKING go to waste as you cut away a ton of cake you won't need. (Tip: save your cake scraps in case you need to 'piece' together shapes or missing chunks later.)

Carefully move your cake from your messy area to its final destination (plate/platter/cardboard wrapped in foil is awesome for bigger, heavier cakes). Yes, it will get messy but you can easily wipe away crumbs, icing, etc.

Ice your cake. This is what is referred to as crumb coating since it will not look pretty and smooth -- it will have crumbs mixed into the icing and be messy. That's ok. It won't be seen. Put an even layer of icing around your entire cake. (Tip: Put store-bought icing in microwave for 10 seconds before using to make it easier to slather on.)

Make room in the fridge! Very carefully put your cake in the fridge after crumb coating for a solid hour. It will make it easier for you to smooth on the fondant.

Make sure you clean a large, smooth surface. No rogue crumbs (crumbs now become the enemy!), no bumps or grooves, etc. This is where you're going to roll out your fondant.

You can spend a bajillion dollars in the one baking aisle at Michael's with all their nifty tools. HOWEVER, if you're like me and lacking a bajillion dollars, you can make do with only buying a few of those tools and faking it with a few items you already have around the house. These are a few tools & ingredients you will definitely need for the next steps.

Fondant: I have made my own (marshmallow), bought the Wilton brand (I do NOT recommend) and this time, tried the new line by Charm City Cake's Duff at Michael's and was very pleased. It was extremely easy to use. (Tip: You can dye fondant use gel colors HOWEVER if you need a color like red or black I highly recommend buying fondant already dyed in that color.)

Fondant rolling pin: Your wooden rolling pin isn't long, smooth or heavy enough. It's worth the investment.

Cornstarch: A must-have. This keeps the fondant from sticking to everything from your counter to your hands to the rolling pin.

Crisco shortening: Good to have on hand if you end up needing to work with the fondant more than a few times. Cornstarch can dry it out and a touch of Crisco on your hands while kneading the fondant will help bring moisture back into it. (I found I didn't need it with the Duff brand fondant.)

Piping gel: Depends on your project and what detail you will need to add but a good idea for details smaller than fondant can handle.

Fondant smoother: Helps smooth fondant/remove air when you apply it on cake.

Wilton decorating tools: You can skip these if you want, but I find them really helpful especially the more cakes I do. (Using one of those Michael's coupons... good deal.)

This is what 4lbs of white buttercream fondant looks like - straight out of the tub. It's hard and unpliable. Read the directions on the tub - microwaving as directed will make your life much easier. Trust me. ;)

Remember how I said cornstarch will keep fondant from sticking to what you don't want it to? Super important. Sprinkle a bunch all over the surface where you're about to roll out the fondant.

Spread out the cornstarch - leaving no area untouched, including the rolling pin you're going to use.

This is two pounds of fondant.

And this is four pounds. Doesn't look all that different, does it? I show you this because it's imperative to know that fondant doesn't go far. It seems ludicrous to put FOUR POUNDS! of fondant on a cake but a) you're going to and b) a lot of people peel it off anyway. (And yes, after ALL THIS WORK people will peel it off and just eat the cake beneath it. Know this.

Knead the fondant until it's smooth and pliable.

Roll out the fondant on your cornstarched surface, careful to spread in as round of a shape as possible. This is harder than you think, but, you will not want to have to start over because you end up with a weird shape of fondant that doesn't cover your cake on all sides. The moment the fondant starts sticking to the rolling pin, re-cornstarch it. CORNSTARCH IS YOUR FRIEND!

This will be your biggest challenge: Picking up the fondant to carry and lay it over your cake. Fondant is a) heavy and b) stretches when you lift it and c) is an asshole. Drape it over your rolling pin and be sure your cake is very close by.

If your fondant cracks/breaks/falls apart guess what? You get to start over. Knead, roll out and try again. It always takes me a few tries and several F-bombs.

If you don't look like this by this point, you should go into the fondant cake making business. Also? I hate you.

Somewhere under there is that cake. Er, all those cakes. Now it's time to very gently start shaping and smoothing the fondant over the cake.

Be careful cutting away at the fondant. Just like with the cake - you will have lots of scraps of fondant. But you don't want to cut too much because 'piecing' fondant is not as fun as it sounds and doesn't always look seamless. So cut a little, tuck, cut a little more. Lather, rinse, repeat. Except that rinse part -- fondant HATES water. Good to know. (Tip: Never refrigerate fondant or a fondant covered cake.)

THIS is when you can add dowels (see Michael's baking aisle) or kabob skewers for stability if necessary. Make sure they're cut to fall just-below the heighth of cake so they don't show.)

Two pounds of black fondant. This time, two pounds was more than enough as I was just using the black for decorative pieces. Gloves would have been a bright idea, however.

If you aren't artistic (I am NOT) then this is where your print-out comes in handy. Use it to mimic when attempting to cut-out your accent pieces for your cake.

I used my Wilton tools to cut out my accent pieces however you can also use a toothpick or kabob skewer. Tip: Dip your cutting tool in our beloved cornstarch first so that it does not stick to the fondant as you are cutting.

To adhere fondant to fondant, all you will need is water. AND ONLY A TINY BIT! (Remember: fondant hates water - however it does act as a glue.) I used the cornstarch cap to put a tiny bit of water in it and used my finger to 'paint' the backside of the eye with just a little water. (You don't want it to drip.)

I gently pressed the eye on the cake, holding it still for a few seconds, careful not to move it (black fondant runs and leaves color on the white fondant, I learned) before letting go. Tip: Don't press hard - you will change the shape of the very pliable fondant you're adhering.

Once my fondant accents were added, I used a rolling Wilton tool to make a slight indent where I planned on piping the mouth. (A toothpick can do the same.)

Started piping along my self-made dotted lines, using barely-damp (fondant hates water!) Q-tips to quickly wipe up mistakes.

Attached mini Santa hat via toothpicks and ta-daa! done.

And enjoy.

Lucky 7

You. I don't even know how to tell you just how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How much you rock.

You are the best kind of friend a person could ask for, the defender of the playground, Mr. Do-Good, an amazing chef, the best assistant, the peacekeeper, happy-go-lucky, gracious and kind, a brilliant artist, a hard worker and so easy to love. 

Your smile - the one you were born with and has seemingly never left your face - is infectious and cathartic and it has brought me so much happiness.

You have brought us all so much happiness. 

Today is your 7th birthday. I can't believe it. Just yesterday you were all chunky legs and round cheeks and dimples. I hope you never lose those dimples.

You have grown up so much lately and I'm very proud of the little man you've become. While I hate to see the baby version of you disappear so quickly, I love watching you come into your own.

You're an amazing kid who is going to do amazing things. You already have. 

Happy birthday dude!

I love you.

{Mom}

Surprisingly accurate Halloween costumes

Don't let the costumes fool you. They're very scary children.

True story: After L put on his Joker costume I had to chastise him for misbehaving. Defiantly and straight-faced he peeped at me through his mask and replied, "Why sooo serioussss?"

Yep.

Happy Halloween, tricks. ;)

Cockfighting for kids

Randomly, as conversations frequently happen with my boys, my 6 year old dropped an interesting oh-by-the-way-this-happened-at-school-two-days-ago bomb on the way to soccer Saturday morning.

"My friend was getting beat up by this kid and I asked him if he was getting hurt and he said yes and I said what does the kid look like and I went and found the kid."

I turned down the radio the rest of the way.

Shit.

All three of my boys are trained in MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) a full three years; the six year old a first degree green belt. He's also Mr. Peacekeeper of the bunch but when he spars? I hold my breath. The kid is a powerhouse. 

"You went and found him? Then what?"

"I found him and his friends hiding behind a wall. They started punching me."

I was clutching the steering wheel, scared to ask what happened next. We have made it very clear to the boys that they are not allowed to use their MMA training unless they need to defend themselves and - well - here we are, a situation where he had every right to defend himself.

"I blocked the punches."

"Did you punch them back?"

"No. Just used my MMA blocks."

Relief.

"So you didn't have to punch anyone?"

"Nah. Their punches weren't very good so I just blocked them until they got tired and then I got a teacher."

I sat back in my seat. I was impressed. At six years old, he had a) stuck up for someone getting hurt, b) utilized his MMA skills while maintaining the right amount of composure and restraint and c) made sure a teacher took control from there.

This is where I make my case for MMA. When I mention my boys (ages 5, 6 and 8) are MMA trained as well as nationally recognized and awarded, I hear everything from "Geez, what is that? Cockfighting for kids?" to "Oh you're raising little fighters, huh?"

No, actually.

I'm raising boys. Boys who participate, play and train in a number of sports - soccer, baseball, basketball and yes, MMA. Boys who are strictly disciplined at home and whose discipline continues at the MMA studio. Who are not allowed to abuse their training in any way. If they do use their skills in a way they shouldn't, they won't just answer to school officials and us as parents but to their sifus and senseis. They will lose their ranks and belts. They are taught respect and self control before they learn to throw a single punch and they're taught that throwing that punch is only done when it's necessary.

And sometimes, it is necessary.

My oldest spent three years being bullied to the point of complete misery and anxiety at his last school. So much so that it ended in both police and school board involvement at the end of last year and us moving schools. This, mind you, with the school having a supposed "zero tolerance" bullying stance.

Yet he never threw a single punch. He never defended himself.

I'll be honest. I wish he had. When your kid cries himself to sleep at night because the kids won't leave him alone and the school officials whose job it is to keep him safe refuse to, don't tell me you wouldn't want your son to fight back too.

This is the irony of the schools' no-bullying campaigns. Even when the schools enforce and provide consequences to the kids who are bullying (which his school didn't), rarely do they go beyond the write-ups and suspensions to actually get to the root of the problem and resolve why the event(s) even happened in the first place.

Maybe this is why the bullying never ends? Why it's being called an epidemic?

The schools have kids - even at the Kindergarten level - so scared about coming face-to-face with the principal over an altercation of any kind with another student that kids will let other kids bully them until they can't take it anymore.

If they tell on the kid? They're told not to be a tattletale.

If they stick up for themselves? They're given the same exact punishment as the kid who threw the first punch.

And the moment the bully's friends find out their buddy got "ratted out" well, forget it.

Don't get me started on the parents who refuse to believe their precious child could have ever done such a thing.

We will never encourage our kids to fight. Ever. But we will always make sure they know that they have the right to defend themselves if they have to. Because in all the anti-bullying campaigning, the school's are failing to teach our kids that they do not deserve to be pushed over, punched, jabbed, tripped, bitten, spit on and harassed by anyone. And if the schools won't remind my boys that they deserve to be treated better than that by other human beings, I will.

I just want you to know...

To my boys:

School is starting and I just want you to know that...

I love you.

You make me proud.

You are the funniest people I know.

And the bravest.

You are so smart.

Your hugs are amazing.

Your fist bumps are too.

You are great MMA fighters,

soccer, baseball and basketball players

but I am even more impressed by your kindness,

your thoughtfulness,

your generosity.

I am grateful for you every single day,

love you even when I'm mad

and miss you so much it hurts when you're not here.

I want you to always be you,

the people that you want to be,

the people that you are.

Because you?

You are amazing,

awesome,

the raddest.

Never let anyone tell you

or treat you

any differently.

You make me smile,

you make me laugh,

you make me cry,

you make me happy,

you make me.

YOU can do anything.

So do it.

Do everything.

Love,
Mom

Nine hours

THIS is what - or who, rather - I'll be spending nine hours with in the car today.

They? Are excited.

I? Am terrified.

You? Pray for me.

Fair play

It's our favorite time of year: The Fair. Year round, the boys ask if it's fair time yet, how much longer until the fair, can you believe it's almost time to go to the fair?!

It's uncanny, really, being that I grew up going to this same fair, looking forward to it with the same eagerness and excitement. Now I see my boys traveling the same pathways, lining up at very same corndog vendors for hot dogs on sticks and lemonades and churros and greedily draining me of midway tickets... Life circles that way.

This year was the first year they entered handmade items and baked goods in the fair to be judged and while they placed first or second in everything they entered, all their baked goods (all 8?) took first place. Every single one. Apparently that 'baking gene' skipped a generation. L-Dub even took two "Best in Show" ribbons - for his strawberry jam and his pumpkin pie.

I couldn't be prouder.

But the best part: watching their faces as they experience the rides. Worth the cost of the midway tickets five times over.

How they do

'Scuse me while I put on my mommyblogger hat for a second with a quick little boastful post about my dudes of whom I frequently tweet and Facebook about their current four-day-a-week MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) dedication.

My older two boys are training for the Pankration National Championships at Randy Couture's gym in Las Vegas (just a little over a week to go) in addition to their normal training. Back in April, E-man did his first tournament at Camp Pendleton and won first place in his weight division... This will be L-Dub's first tournament.

I'm super proud of all these kids, not just my boys... and you can see why:

 

Oh how the time, it flies...

Last night you graduated preschool and today you turn five. But I'm certain this isn't possible because you're the baby; you're not supposed to grow up. Yet somehow, you're the oldest - at least you think you are - and definitely the most entitled, complete with an I Will Rule The World attitude that is both admirable and challenging. Someday, you will rule the world in a way only you can, but for now, you rule ours with your charm, wit and impeccable sense of timing.

I'm not certain where these five years have gone... I know the first two were not what I had hoped for either of us and this is why I love you extra hard and kiss more than you want and snuggle you every chance I get. You have taught me to appreciate every single moment of every single day. I am grateful for you in every way.

It is so easy to love you.

There are lots of things I love about you... your feisty attitude, how smart you are, your quick-witted remarks, your self-confidence, the way you still like me to hold you - sometimes, your odd sense of fashion, the way you can beat the levels of Angry Birds I cannot... the list goes on. But one of my most favorite things is the way you love music and immediately learn the words to every song I play in the car or in the house and then sing along way too loudly with me to our favorites.

Big T, here's to a very happy birthday to you - my now 5 year old (going on 15) - who is very much the glue in our family.

I love you dude.

*fist bump*

{Mom}

*Song: The White Buffalo's "Story"

Pen pals

I lost him for a little while. The boy who I suspected would forever sit in my lap, never grow too old to cuddle, always be the lovable, easy-go-lucky thoughtful kid of the bunch - he vanished very suddenly and all that was left was an angry, hateful child who screamed and threw punches and lunged and cried and cried and cried until he could not breathe where he once hugged and smiled and grabbed hold of your hand and laughed so hard he snorted while his nostrils flared.

He was gone.

For weeks - months - I tried to figure him out; this new kid who was not even recognizable as my own. I tried to comfort him. Talk to him. Reason with him. Tell him it was OK. I talked to friends. I talked to therapists. And finally, I sat beside him and cried with him; grieving for the loss of the boy I used to know, hysterical with guilt for having done this to him, sobbing desperately for the tears and tantrums to end.

What had I done?

Where had he gone?

Would I ever find him again?

Hours at a time would pass as he would grunt - not speak - demands that I couldn't possibly translate, tracing his fingernail along the linoleum spelling out his requests rather than speaking them. 

"Are you sad?"

"You can tell me what's wrong."

"Is something making you mad?"

"Buddy, I'm sad too."

Eventually I just let him vent. This was his safe place to let go and while I wasn't sure how much of his 'letting go' I could take without completely breaking myself, it was all I could do; let him know I was listening, I was by his side, and I wasn't going to leave no matter what. So I cried with him.

There was no rhyme or reason to when small slivers of the boy I used to know slowly started surfacing again. He's still not the same kid and probably never will be. I don't know that I can forgive myself for that. But I will take whatever glimpses of the old him and grasp onto them and love the new him, even if he's a little less cuddly and trusting and innocent.

He and I have become pen pals recently. He's been learning to write full sentences using his sight words in school and in his typical over-achiever ways, practices extra at home by writing me letters every single night before bed and I write back, leaving him a note to wake up to in the morning. He loves waking up to these replies. But he has no idea what his notes mean to me. How much I look forward to them being delivered to my bedroom door with stifled giggles and the sounds of crinkled paper followed by running feet back to his bedroom. But more than the hilarious letters that I will cherish forever, these letters symbolize something more. It means he - the boy I used to know - is surfacing again. It means that despite his world being shaken so badly in the last year he is finally realizing that it's going to be okay. Different, but okay.

And I am finally realizing that he is going to be okay. Different, but okay.